I feel now, that I can't really progress anywhere with my questioning without being romantically and sexually involved with another woman, and seeing how I feel about it. This isn't an option at the moment, which is frustrating. Until I've experienced being with a woman, I don't think that I'm going to fully believe that my attraction to women isn't something that I've just made up. When I'm left to my own thoughts, I have no trouble believing it, but when I'm just carrying on with life and doing normal day-to-day things, I don't really feel gay. Has anyone else felt like this? Sometimes I read posts on here that make me doubt myself too. I do read a lot of insightful posts that really resonate with me, but I also read heartfelt posts about struggling to come to terms with being gay, which I don't find that I relate to. I suppose this makes me feel like I'm missing a 'right of passage', and therefore, I can't actually be gay. Does that make sense? If I had questioned in my late-teens or early-twenties, I would probably struggled with the idea a lot more, and would have really felt that I didn't want to be gay. Right now, whilst it's not the easiest option, the idea of being gay doesn't really bother me. It might be that I just haven't properly broken it all down yet. But, because I've been in a straight relationship, had a baby, etc., I sort of feel that I don't have to answer to anybody anymore. I do have worries about how people will react, about the practicalities of splitting from my partner, and about whether the greater level happiness I'm seeking actually exists. Sometimes I feel guilty about the prospect of leaving my partner, and doubt that I'll ever be able to do it. At other times, I'm having to remind myself not to do anything reckless, when I'm not currently able to support myself financially. Part of me wants to stop visiting EC because it's a constant reminder of what I can't have, but I also don't want to stop coming here because it's the only outlet I have. When I imagine myself in a relationship with another woman, or imagine myself as out and open about my sexuality, I feel happy and excited. However, I'm increasingly feeling like this is not enough, and that I want to do something (I don't know what, though), and that I can't makes me feel sad. I know I can't rush this, and I don't want to, just in case this is a passing phase, but it is frustrating sometimes. That was longer than I thought it was going to be, sorry!
I have a lot of things I want to say here but won't be able to do it justice right now. I'll say a couple of quick things and come back a bit later. First, everyone's experience here is unique. Some of the folks on here aren't riddled with shame, some of us have a fair share of it, and some of us have a lot of it. We're all struggling or adjusting in different ways. Also, I had a lot of self doubt about whether this was all in my head or I'm confused, etc. I think a lot of us have. But I think that's a rabbit hole that will nit lead anywhere positive. Try instead to think about things one thing at a time, focus in the parts of your sexuality that you *are* sure of, and then take a small step to think about one question you might have. I hope that helps a little. I'll come back again in a bit.
Of course you're right. I'll keep it in mind! Good to know I'm not alone with the self doubt too. Thank you for your advise, barista.
A related question: I'm not ready to discuss my questioning with my partner yet, but if anyone has an opinion; is there a point at which it would be unfair of me not to tell him? And would it be fair to end the relationship without telling him at all?
You have to follow your instincts. I think this is more about this question - how long before you reach a point where you can no longer feel fulfilled by hiding this? And what I mean is- you say you need to be with a woman to better know yourself and your sexuality. At some point, that means that you have to decide between keeping it quiet versus filling your needs. If you honk of it that way, that may help you sort out what you want to do and when.
It's a good question. I guess I'll find out sooner or later. I'm just going to have to forget about it for a few months, and try to focus on other things. I wish I'd started questioning a few years down the line, because the timing is not great. I don't really feel like I'm living at the moment, I suppose, just going from one day to the next. From the outside though, I've got nothing to complain about. I'll stop moaning now.
I've been meaning to come back to your thread and give more insight: I understand this feeling so well. It's an important step in determining how you want to proceed. No matter how much you want or need intimacy with a woman it's hard to know what exactly those needs mean until you've been with a woman. I have a some thoughts on this. First, this may be a need, to be with women, before you can be fully sure of all of your needs and fully sure of your orientation. BUT that doesn't mean it has to happen now before you can proceed in other ways. Being with a woman means either - opening up your marriage, cheating on your husband or separating. I don't recommend cheating. And if you're not sure of whether you want to separate or open the marriage, you may want to start by very gradually working in opening up your husband's perspective on your needs. Do you feel like he is supportive and that you have a loving relationship in general? If that's the case, there is room for growth in this area, possibly. No matter what, right now you are going to have to exercise a lot of patience, while keeping your eye on the overall picture - you can and you will successfully navigate this; you *will* find a way to be fulfilled. In the meantime, think about what you can do to proceed in other ways. Sorry if tmi but I have been surviving on a lot of soft porn (I know the real thing is what you want); also there is a lot of room to grow in terms of identity. I recommend working on building your LGBT support system. Go to meetups and activities for LGBT folks. And counselling is also a real benefit to your growth. Again, one step at a time. One final thought - I was exactly where you are 8 months ago, and today I'm in a completely different place. I'm out to everyone, I'm starting an open marriage with my husband (who I never thought would agree to this), and I'm feeling more and more comfortable with who I am. It does get better!(*hug*) ---------- Post added 21st Jun 2016 at 06:50 AM ---------- You can moan all you want, this is a hard process. We're here to support you (*hug*) ---------- Post added 21st Jun 2016 at 07:01 AM ---------- I forgot to mention/ask - is it your goal to separate or stay married? If you plan to separate but can't do so right now, I just want to say there are still many things you can do to continue your journey (just as mentioned above). One step at a time. Work on building financial security, think about family you might be able to get some support from until you get in your feet; this will take time but you can get there. Deep breaths.
Thanks so much for your reply. I really appreciate it. This is completely true. I hadn't developed my thoughts and feeling that far, but you've summed it up. I've all these imagined ideas in my head, but the reality is a big unknown. I've got no intention of cheating. No worries there. No. To be honest, he's only really supportive when it suits him to be. Also, he's had concerns that I'm not as into him as he's into me, so it probably wouldn't be well received. I know you're right, but it's not what I want to hear. Funny, I've always considered myself to be quite a patient person. :icon_bigg Thank you for all your recommendations. I will look into these options, but at the moment I don't want to risk my partner discovering anything. I haven't got a safety net, if it goes down very badly. This is good to hear, thank you. Really encouraging! I've been considering leaving for well over a year. Initially because of the relationship itself, but this feels like the bigger issue at the moment. Yes, you're right. Each small step counts. I will try very hard to remember that!
It sounds like you are more inclined to want to separate but you are stuck right now because of financial constraints, is that true? I think if this is the case, perhaps now is the time to focus all of your energy on building a plan for financial security. Do you have family you can turn to? You have kids/a kid, right? I'm just trying to gather details to think about how you can move forward.
Yes, that about sums it up, and yes, one kid. I do have family, but I wouldn't want to go there unless I absolutely had to. I think you're right, or I know you're right, about financial security needing to be my focus.
Big hugs (*hug*). You can do this. Make a plan, set goals and work on them one at a time. Keep reminding yourself that you are moving forward everyday, even if it feels like it's inching along.
