My kids are gone for the summer. Makes me so depressed. Its every summer for the past 10 years. They will be back in august. :icon_sad: For anyone who does not know... I have lived with on again off again domestic abuse. I've turned to self harm last year to cope. Summer without the kids can be really hard! Plus, it also gives an opportunity for him to loss his temper. So far, so good this year but its still early. My friend that I came out because of came and visited me at work the other day. I fell head over heels for... Came out and told my husband, and told her... He got mad... Understandable... She said no, rather have dick! Devastated!!! I told myself if I could be with her I would finally leave him. Well, she came and offered a place to live, and anything I want if I left him! That means I could be with her in every way I ever imagined.... Omg, how I want that!!!!!!!!!!!! But, I still can't get myself to leave. Hopelessly stuck!!!! Its a terrible thing, I'm letting the chance to "be" with her go. I so want to be with her... But, also does she really want me? She said no in the past... Sigh. Someone please talk to me! I need opinions!
Hello there friend This sounds like such a difficult time for you, I can't imagine what experiencing all of that at once is like So firstly, have a virtual hug! Secondly, if you are in an abusive relationship it can feel so hard to leave as you feel so tied in, especially with children. But remember, you matter too. You're happiness is so important to your mental health and that of your children. I hope that you find the strength to leave for the greater good in the long run. I'm sure you will look back and wonder why you didn't do it sooner! But hindsight is 20:20 of course and it is so difficult when you're in it. Thirdly, whilst you may want to be so close to her (and I can totally empathise here)...you may be opening yourself up to heartbreak all over again. Being around her so much will bring all of those feelings back and won't give you a chance to get over her. Maybe speak to her again about it before making any decisions? I hope you are ok x
I think you should take advantage of the kids being away and concentrate on yourself. Someone is taking care of them, you need to take care of you, now. Contact agencies that can help you plan what needs to be done to extricate yourself from the situation. Sleuth out that therapist's number again. Don't wait around for your husband to blow up again. Crossing your fingers won't help; he's not going to change. You are worth a thousand of him. Let somebody help you believe this for yourself.
Today was the first day to myself, but I was afraid to call anyone but I did spend some time with the suicide chat line. I was telling her the whole situation and she told me that I wouldn't be able to get what I'm seeking if I move in with her. That I would be trading one emotional situation to another. That she does have a boyfriend and I wouldn't get the ideal that I'm carrying around in my head. I don't know if its just I want casual sex, or if I really want to be with her. I'm so conflicted! I've always been straight on the line. I do what's expected. I guess that's why I'm in this situation. I am being what I'm suppose to be. I'm the wife that does as much as I can to do what's right. I take care of the house, the kids, the husband. I work a full time job. I push any off feeling about women, about sex, and I just do what I'm supposed to. I don't want to dissapoint. When I talked to the pastor before we got married he asked about divorce... I said no matter what I will stay with my husband. Its like I bonund my word with God. When I was in high school I admitted that I was gay to the youth pastor. He shook his head and said I will get over it. I pushed those feelings behind me even though I wanted to be with the RA on my floor.... Or join the mini pride pradae in campus center. No, I did not become gay because of the mistreatment.... I always will always be gay. Even looking at playgirls when I was in elementary school should have been a indicator!!! But I still am ashamed.....I am just keeping myself in this bottle and I don't think I will ever be anything different!!!
I can't imagine how hard that would be. I think the suggestion abovery if figuring yourself out while you are alone is probably the best one. Maybe you need a short "starter" relationship.
Finding the bravery to face the fears that keep you there is hard, but it's worth it. Ask yourself when you think about leaving what statements pop into your head that convince you to stay. Look at those things you tell yourself very closely to see if they are logical and true. Good luck to you, stay safe.
She came by the other day again.... She was standing by her shopping cart and I leaned against the cart. My arm accidentally hit her arm. She pulled back so quickly and kinda put her force field up. It made me feel more Aline than I have been... What I thought we had isn't really there and her bringing these feelings back was so wrong IMO. I hate myself for it!!!
Don't hate yourself. You're not a mind reader. You thought A but it was B. You haven't committed a crime. Give yourself a break. So you learnt something. Great! It only feels like crap because you invested so much emotion in it but you haven't done anything wrong. Don't beat yourself up about it. It's just one thing that happened amongst many other things. In time, it will seem quite unremarkable.
I've been thinking about it and I really think I don't care anymore. Also, I think I don't want to be with her anymore ...
I'm a little lost...when she offered you to live w/her, did that include sex? And then she reacted that way when you brushed her arm? Is it usual for her to come around your work?
She said me living with her + anything I want... And yes at one time I wanted to have sex with her. So I figure that would be included. Then yes she reacted by my arm touching her she pulled away! Isn't that contradictory??? Just recently she's come and saw me at work 4 times in like 2 months. Before that I didn't see her since middle of last year. I'm more lost about this than anyone else! I want to be like never mind! She can offer sex that she truly doesn't want, not cool!
