For those of you who know me I've been married for 20 years to whom I thought was the woman of my dreams. We have one daughter who will be going into high school in August. But we have now come accross a road block, well I don't know if its a road block or a very large cliff. We've been having difficulties over the last couple of months. Some thing came up and when confronted she told me that she no longer has any feelings for me. She doesn't hate me she just doesn't love me anymore. The sad thing is we own a business together and get along great at work. But since our talk she doesn't want to be intimate with me anymore. I have a high libido and she has only been doing it for me....not because it was something she wanted. She considers herself asexual. What do I do with that? I am a highly sexual person and she has just checked out. How does something like that happen after 20 years? I asked her how long she has been feeling this way and she said she doesn't know, just that it has been a long time. I am at a loss of what to do. I asked her if she wants a divorce and she says she doesn't. She is fine with the status quo. We sat a Chipotle and she told me all this information as if it were a business transaction. Just a blank stare on her face as she laid it all out. When I mentioned divorcing her she basically told me she would never give me a divorce and it would only be met with financial ruin and a bloody custody battle over our daughter. She works 15-16 hours a day and is never home. I raise our daughter almost like a single parent. I left the house last week and stayed with a friend. I came back because I can't leave my kid. She's stuck in the middle of all this and doesn't deserve any of it. But I can not live with the status quo. I didn't sign up for a marriage in name only. I can't live in a sexless marriage. I've asked her to come to marriage counseling and she's not interested. I have given every aspect of myself to her and now I have nothing left to show for it. I am heartbroken and lost. How do you just stop loving somebody after 20 years? I am hurt and I am angry.
I'm so sorry you're going through this (&&&). I can imagine how painful this must feel. Perhaps her lack of emotion shows that she doesn't know how to face the feelings she needs to face to properly deal with this. I think that the best you can do is first - take care if you, I think counselling for you would be invaluable right now. Second, work on building up rational conversations that appeal to her sense of protection for your daughter's wellbeing. She needs to deal wit this, where her it's by granting you a divorce or goin to counselling with you. Again, big hugs to you in this time (*hug*)
Sorry to hear that Yes I do remember you because you are one of the few users here that have been in a long-term same sex relationship/marriage. I don't have many useful suggestions. I have seen many bitter marriages that either ended up in divorces or dragged on forever until both people were too old or tired to change anything. My only suggestion is you should work very hard towards the best possible outcome but be prepared for the worst. The best is to save your marriage and get back to a compatible sex level right.... talk to a counselor, talk to your friends, talk to your wife's friends (outside opinions might surprise you), figure out whether the reason your wife gave you is the actual reason or if there is something else going on, figure out whether there is a deeper misunderstanding over other issues, and most importantly talk to your wife again and show her how much you care. Observe her behaviors not just her words to see how much she still cares about you. Then if worst comes to worst, you need to be prepared for the financial and custodial arrangements. Look into those and consult an attorney if possible. Make sure you don't lose all you have worked for overnight...
I'm so sorry! It's totally understandable you'd feel hurt and angry. I don't have anything useful because this is beyond my experience, just know you have support here.
So, I know you want to stay so that your kid doesn't get hirt, but have you ever considered that it might hurt her more if you stay? Parents can choose an amicable divorce and it be great for the kids. (My ex and I did.) I know she says she won't do it, but if you make everything about your daughter she might come around. On the other hand, if you stay, you teach your daughter that living in a loveless, unhappy marriage is okay. That it's better to stay unhappy and "safe" than to take the risks to make things better. I considered it staying for my kids, but eventually I realized I didn't like the message it sent, as I would never want my kids to stay in a marriage that wasn't right for them. I know that's highly opinionated and not everyone agrees, but it sure is how I feel and what worked for me. (Seriously, since we made our divorce about being the best lives our kids could live, we have a great coparents g situation and happy divorce.)
Oh my gosh what a blow. :-( I get lesbian asexual but to not let you move on with your life .. I dont get! Shes threatening "financial ruin" and a "bloody custody battle" however it sounds like she is using this as a tool to manipulate you which is a horrible thing to do. I'm so sorry youre going through this.
The thing is we don't fight or yell. There are no heated arguments. Most couples get divorced screaming and yelling at each other. We're gonna go out as a silent whisper. It's fucking ridiculous. And on top of that I have now gone 3 weeks without sex. That is the longest I've gone in 14 years. So now I'm sexually frustrated on top of being pissed off. I feel like this is just a manipulation game on her part.
Is she taking any medication? When's the last time she saw her doctor? Maybe something is up with her health.
It's unusual that she's not willing to agree to divorce. It seems like there is more there to explore. The lack of emotion could be because she's already come to terms with the grief of a relationship ending, it's very unfortunate for you both that she didn't speak up when she was first unhappy, so that you had a chance to work things out.
Firstly, I am really sorry you are going thru this sort of thing. After having pretty solid success seeing a therapist about some of my own personal problems. I think talking to a professional would be helpful to you. It is important to take care of yourself. As someone who suffers and struggles with a short temper, I can completely understand your anger and frustration. I can't think of a polite or tactful way to say this but: her using your child as an anchor to hold you hostage is just cruel. The lowest thing someone could do. Talk to a professional, and keep talking to your spouse. I'm not sure how old your child is, but maybe they need to know that the two of you are having a problem. They don't need all the details, but they might offer the support you and your spouse need.
I'm incredibly sorry to hear this is happening to you. I can't imagine what it feels like. I haven't got to experience a relationship with someone special yet. When I do I want it to be a forever deal. I really liked reading all your posts because how you described your relationship with your wife was sweet. I don't know what I could say that would help much. Like others have said talk to friends and family for support. Maybe try discussing with your wife again. People don't just become asexual, maybe something else is going on. I do think not even considering divorce or counseling on her part seems cold. It obviously would cause suffering on everyone's part to just not do anything. Again I'm sorry you have to go through this. I hope you don't blame yourself for it. Sometimes I guess people fall out of love, I don't get it personally but it happens. Maybe you two can still fix things. If not then you have to do what is healthy for you, because that's healthy for your family. I wish you, your daughter and your wife the best.(*hug*)
(&&&) I'm so very sorry. From reading your posts, I could tell your wife was very special to you. I can't imagine...
