What all is real, and what isn't?

labels are good... helpful but they can also make us crazy

i probably cant be much help here, but you said you managed to hide your orientation from everyone... i dont know your story but do you think there are some people in your inner circle that knew... or that you look back and have things where you thought you were gay but dismissed?

i know i had people around me that suspected, namely my mom for some of the somewhat gay negative things she suggested (in spite of the fact that i have a lesbian half sister... her daughter!)

lesbian is only a part of who i am... its a small part because i have no desire for a relationship. its a huge part of me as an ally for lgbtqa+ issues/causes.

 

I completely relate to this. After years of 'looking the other way' from my sexual orientation (I currently label it questioning, prob at least bi, and possibly gay) and over the last few months deciding to actively examine it, I've started quesioning a lot of different aspects of myself.

In some sense, it's been freeing. Even though I'm in no way out socially except with a few close friends, now before I speak I think, is that something I ACTUALLY want to say or is it some artifact from this made up identity I've had all these years? Is such and such actually something I like to do? etc.

I think your core values look great, kind of all that matter. As far as other self exploration stuff that's not sexual identity oriented, I might recommend 'Quiet', which is about introversion, but has a good explanation on extroversion and their difference. I also find Nina Browne's books to be helpful– her stuff helped me find out a lot of other parts of myself I needed to know before I could even face the whole sexuality thing (though they're therapy oriented, if this is what you're looking for)

As far as who I'm attracted to when it comes to other men... you've got me. I sort of try and figure it out when I'm around other people, but it can be overwhelming.

Hope this helps you in some way and thanks for thread.

 

I have been experiencing this identity confusion too. I found it helpful to go back to my childhood, before I felt the necessity to present myself as someone with the qualities society perceived necessary to attract a man, and look at what mattered to me then. I was into boys clothes, history and creative writing. My hopes for the future were all geared around the history-related job I would do, and the work I would have published. My dreams did not include marriage or children. Whether that's because I actively didn't want them, or because I took it for granted that they would automatically happen, so I didn't need to think about them, I don't know.

By the age of 50, I had spent 25 years working as a music teacher, published nothing, my marriage appeared strong, but I was depressed. Then I lost my mother, my job, and several more relatives in quick succession. I felt life was short, and the adult part of it that I had lived so far was not the life I should have led.

I started therapy, and gradually began to work on issues of identity. The first thing I did was publish my poetry (unless you were one of the lucky few, this was an option which wasn't available years ago except through vanity publishers at great cost, so the self-publishing options now available online have opened up what is becoming a great new hobby for me), which has been very well received.

I managed to find another job, this time in the heritage sector, which I really love. The pay is poor, but I supplement it by giving talks on local history.

Then I separated from my husband.

The male clothes - hmm. Bit of a work in progress here. Still experimenting. Part of my job involves dressing up in nineteenth century (female) costume. Oddly, I don't mind this, because my great-grandma (born in the nineteenth century) and my aunt were both cross-dressers, and it gives me a sense of connection with other family members who may have been wrestling with gender or sexuality issues at a time when these things could not be acknowledged openly.

So my identity exploration has resulted in the following conclusions so far:

I am gay
I am a good mother
I am good with words
I am a poet and a historian
I am very loyal
I have an intellectual curiosity and a desire for knowledge
I value the truth, both in my understanding of myself and in my dealings with others.

On the subject of extraverts and introverts, there is a good book I read a long time ago by Dorothy Rowe, but I have forgotten the title.

 

This so hugely resonates for me. Ever since I was a child, everyone’s said that I've always known who I am and what I wanted. This only leaves me all the more confused now that I'm approaching 30 and have only just admitted my sexuality to myself. In hindsight, there were so many signs, and even though I see them all now I still find myself looping back to questioning because I can't understand how I've been so clueless for so long. And if I've been clueless about this, what else have I missed?

One of my biggest regrets about it all now is that I’m worried denying who I am has stifled my creativity and the type of artist I could have been. I have a background in the performance arts but always held a part of myself back. Artists and performers need to be completely vulnerable, but I was rarely able to go there and now feel like I’ve missed my window of opportunity.

I am trying to remind myself that my sexuality is just one part of who I am, granted I want it to be a bigger part of my life than it is now. I am also trying to hold on to the strength and spunk of the little girl I was, because I’m pretty sure she can help me figure everything out.

Regarding introversion and extroversion, I really like to think of those two things as working together. I am an introvert in the sense that, after being around people, I need to have quiet time to regroup and reenergize. But I also love being around people and getting to know them. I think it’s about finding the right balance.

 

Who am I and what do I like? Totally get these questions and am asking myself exactly the same so I feel your difficulty at the moment. Sexuality is at the heart of being so it's quite right when you question that you ask yourself who you are? All will appear in time I guess, but you will be largely the same person you have always been I imagine.

 

Isn't it crazy how many other things there are to discover about ourselves once we understand our sexuality? It's a little weird to me, honestly! I also think this is a life thing, though. You just start to realize more about yourself as time goes on and you get older and have more responsibility. I always felt like something was missing inside of me. I would even say it to friends in deep conversation or my therapist at the time. That I had this hole and I didn't understand what it was or how to fill it, and then once I realized I wasn't straight, I feel like that was it because it's gone.

 

Saying "I am" is a decision.

Sure, we gather evidence...because there has to be something on which to base this decision, but it is a decision nevertheless.

Sometimes something goes wrong, and then we decide that we aren't good at something, or sometimes something goes right and we then decide that we are good at something...but evidence is more than a few "case studies" (in the parlance of my profession in clinical research) a lot of what goes "right" or "wrong" in life is often pure, dumb chance. Why would we decide anything based on pure, dumb chance?

This is why I am leery of defining myself, definition is, by definition, a limitation. To me, a label is at best a working title, a convention, a shorthand that approaches the truth, but never quite gets it right.

So to your question: what is real? The present moment, that is the only reality...

But the real question, of course is, who am I? Try this: you are who and what you love.