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When people say they always knew

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Justasking100, Jun 21, 2016.

  1. Justasking100

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    When you guys who knew you were gay from a young age, was it a concious I know I'm attract to the same sex or did any of you only once you came out make the connection that it wasn't a concious thing but rather something that you only knew in some level but didn't equate it with sexual attraction.

    I ask this because if I look back in my teenage years I remember noticing guys on tv etc but wasn't aware that I was attracted to them, but when I realised I was gay it came as a big shock but I looked back and though oh that's what that was. At least I think so anyway I can't be sure because my memory isn't that clear at the moment.

    I guess why I'm asking is because I can't understand why it wasn't or hasn't been more clear for me compared to other stories I read. I'm looking for people who didn't always consciously know I guess.

    Not that there is a huge amount of point looking back too much but it would be good for me to read of people who are now out and comfortable but perhaps only knew as teenagers 'on some level'. Hope this makes sense.
     
  2. OnTheHighway

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    Not sure it is worth banging your head against the wall over being conscious of it or not. When you are a teenager, your sexuality is only one of hundreds of issues your dealing with and learning about.

    Unfortunately, there was no guide for any of us to read to help one figure out whom they are. If there was, I am sure we would have all read it!

    Your dealing with puberty, social circles, family dynamics, education, questions about your future, questions about the meaning of life, religious ideology or even what is on the table for dinner tonight.

    I am not surprised that some people might not have had any sense of their sexuality. For some sexuality was at the forefront of their adolescent years, as it was for me. For others, it is just one of many things being dealt with while growing up.
     
  3. LostInDaydreams

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    I can completely relate to this. I was thinking about it just this morning, and considering posting about it. When I read posts by people more self-aware at a younger age, it makes me doubt myself and wonder why I didn't question my sexuality earlier.

    It certainly wasn't clear for me, and up until about a year or so ago I was oblivious. As a teen, I didn't really have any attraction to girls, but I could never understand what the big fuss with boys was all about. It wasn't until I met an out lesbian at university that I really considered that boys weren't the only option, but I didn't relate that to myself. At the same time, I had a crush on a woman and fantasied about her, but I wasn't conscious of it being a crush and still considered myself straight. Also, the admiration and jealousy I felt when I heard coming out stories, my interest in LGBT news stories, etc., and my thoughts that world would be a better place if heterosexual wasn't the default...I never read anything into it.

    I can remember when a former work colleague of mine had her hair cut, and I thought she looked great, really great. So I said, "You know when people get their hair cut and you say it looks good because you have to, but don't really mean it. With you, I really mean it." I was trying to tell her that she looked fantastic, but I didn't really know why I thought that she did, or why I found her fascinating, or why I felt jealous when she laughed with the other girls on the department, or why I jokingly referred to her my 'wife'.

    I think I just had meeting a guy, settling down, having children, etc. as a goal that I had to accomplish, and not conforming wasn't an option for me.
     
  4. Justasking100

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    That's interesting. How do you identify now? Gay bi?

    ---------- Post added 21st Jun 2016 at 01:53 AM ----------

    Yes I find it really much harder toaccept for myself as it all came as such a shock to me. Realising I'd been barking up the wrong tree for so long. To think I'd been fantisising about girls all through my teenage years but in actual fact my true desires were men. That's difficult to accept when all the coming out stories on YouTube are about guys knowing and realising in early teens.
     
  5. PlaidGlove

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    My older brother said that to me. Funny. Never seen any support coming from that direction before. He was cool about it and that's pretty much it.

    I think it's an arrogant and unempathetic thing to say, to be honest. Someone's feeling like they're making themselves very vulnerable to you, trusting you with something and you respond with "LOL I already knew". Not cool.
     
  6. LostInDaydreams

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    Yes, I had no idea in my early teens either, and it does cause doubts. I'm not sure I felt shock, as my attraction to guys was always very personality based or more about the idea. I'd never imagined kissing a guy, or fantasied about a specific guy. For me, it was more that some things made a bit more sense.

    I haven't pinned down a label, to be honest.
     
  7. Justasking100

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    Yes there was an oh that makes sense moment for me but was quickly followed by depression. I certainly did not want to be gay in any shape or form, denial and depression. I guess my resistance to it is why I was diagnosed as having an obsession with it. I really don't know why I've been so resistant to it. It's only about who you love.
     
  8. RosePetals76

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    I knew I was attracted to women from about 13 on. I always told my closest friends that I was bi. What I didn't get, and now see looking back, is that I wasn't attracted to men, but just made myself accept being with one to "fit in". I've had a lot of looking back and thinking "oh, that's why" lately.
     
  9. Cocolo

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    This is pretty much what it is, but suppressed by denial or being dismissive when the thought came into my head "am I gay??"

    When I put everything together much later it just made me sad. All of those years that I spent struggling thinking I was a freak because I had to pretend that I really liked guys when I didnt... trying to have relationships with them when I felt horrible doing so ... going along with the conversations about how hot guys were as though I was attracted to them sexually (I still think some guys are hot, but its not in that way. this is a whole 'nother topic that gets very "hotly" debated :slight_smile: )
     
  10. RosePetals76

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    Yes! All of this! How much I've pretended and now I feel like I've just lied my way through my entire adult life when I like to think of myself as a very honest person. Sigh.
     
  11. PlaidGlove

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    Oh dear, I just realized I completely misunderstood the topic. I'm really sorry. Serves me right for only reading the headline. Duh.
     
  12. ConsciousRose42

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    Hi just asking 100
    I relate !
    I never connected being attracted to girls with myself ...
    I had a few experiences in my 20s but they were drunken and I put them down to just silly
    Had relationships with guys all my life. True denial I believe is not connecting the dots at all ! When I 'woke up' it all made sense and I made sense ..
    I think we have different layers of consciousness and stages of growth
    I think what u experienced or didn't is perfectly normal
     
  13. dirtyshirt84

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    I was only attracted to boys in high school and only fantasied about boys and only thought about boys sexually. I didn't realise I was Bi until I met my ex-girlfriend when I went to University (and god knows how long it might have taken me to realise if I hadn't met her when I did).

    However, looking back, there were no openly gay kids at my school, (I was at school around the time of the section 28 rule so homosexuality couldn't be 'promoted') and there were no openly LGBT celebrities/politicians/role models that I knew of. So I really wonder if I just wasn't aware of it being a possibility for me? Society is so different now. Just wondered if you might be the same just asking.
     
  14. LionsAndShadows

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    I didn’t know I was gay until I fell hopelessly in love with a boy when I was twelve. It was a relief partly because I realised I’d always been gay and just hadn’t had a word for it.
     
  15. JonSomebody

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    I had a couple of siblings who later told me that they always knew but their reasoning was completely stupid in my opinion. You see...I am really into music and my late father got me into collecting music since I was a young boy. So, in their feeble minds, they felt that because I am so into music that this was their perception of me being gay.
     
  16. Devil Dave

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    As a teenager I found myself becoming aroused by men. I would stare at men who were handsome or in good shape and found myself enjoying it. In the early stages I would tell myself that it was natural to admire other men who are good looking and in good shape, as that's the sort of man that boys should aspire to be (I probably wouldn't use those exact words at a young age, but that's pretty much the way I was thinking) I also told myself that I would become more attracted to women as I get older. That's what the teacher told us in our puberty lessons - some of you might become interested in girls later than others. So I did on some level think that it might be a phase i was going through - looking at handsome men and thinking that's the sort of man I want to grow up into, then I would be able to attract nice looking girlfriends.

    But as I was getting older i was becoming more aroused by men and I wasn't having any sexual feelings for women. I would cut out pictures of men from magazines and TV guides and catalogues and stash them secretly in a drawer, and that was my porn collection. I was not becoming interested in women. So at the age 14 I did confirm to myself that yes, i am gay, but I will have to keep it a secret for the rest of my life. I will have to date girls and marry a woman and keep my homosexuality secret from everyone.

    It wasn't until I turned 20 that I started meeting gay people and gay-friendly straight people and started realizing i could be open and honest about my sexuality and still live happily. so I came out at the age of 20. I still had not had any sexual partners by that age, but I knew I had only ever been sexually aroused by men and that I never wanted to have a girlfriend and lie to her and everybody else in my life.
     
    #16 Devil Dave, Aug 1, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2016
  17. brainwashed

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    I knew only after being able to reflect. Reflection is the key ability for me.

    I suggest journaling to help you remember. It's a fun process and journaling brought much insight and peace.

    Did not know.

    There is a HUGE point. Being able to reflect can bring peace and understanding. You actually stop tearing yourself up inside.

    And now I'm actually able to fantasize going out on a date with one of my male friends who I had a crush on when I was 15, 16 ish, on up. Its great fun and BRINGS PEACE and acceptance.
     
    #17 brainwashed, Aug 1, 2016
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  18. TravelerMe

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    Knowing probably exists in varying degrees for all of us. I guess I always knew that I was attracted to boys and men starting at an early age. I had plenty of specific crushes and desire for guys but never acknowledged I was gay. So slowly I initiated various methods of denial and distraction until recently.

    And now I have not only acknowledged but accepted I'm gay. So there was never an aha moment but an internal confirmation. The restlessness continues since I'm not fully living authentically. The more I understand what it really means the more peace I find.
     
  19. brainwashed

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    I knew I was attracted but I was never able to reflect. Also early on I had no idea about homosexuality. Didn't know it existed.

    TravelerMe you stated: "So slowly I initiated various methods of denial and distraction until recently"

    This is the age old question I've been asking myself. It's the chicken and egg analogy. How could I suppress something I didn't know existed?

    I do agree with "more peace".
     
  20. faustian1

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    Here's a somewhat autobiographical observation about this.

    When we're young, and if we're in a so-called traditional family, we sort of naturally start assuming this is the direction we're going in. Add to that thousands of conversations and everyday examples of male-female coupling that we see, even before we're a few years old. So is it any wonder that we find ourselves in 6th grade jacking off with mens' underwear ads (or, in more modern times, with male-male internet porn), yet have no idea that this is like a sign that says "detour" on the way to that planned route?

    No.

    But here's the twist. I know a couple of guys who as a couple have two teenagers, the result of a surrogacy. Isn't it likely that the teenagers (if heterosexual), will have to "acquire" some sense of being in a male-female couple, after starting their lives in the two-male household. From what I can see the kids see their parents' situation as just as normal as can be. So a role reversal is possible.

    All this says is that your parents have a big influence on your life, but not necessarily the only influence.
     
    #20 faustian1, Aug 1, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2016