A few recent posts has raised the topic of shame and the resulting shame storms that might be triggered. I felt that this topic warranted some further discussion and exploration particularly as I have had two recent experiences. Without addressing the definition of shame, but focusing on actual shame storms and their triggers, I find that there are a few narrow triggers that often bring about these storms based on my personal experience; and I have accepted the notion that I will most likely deal with these storms for the rest of my life (despite my desire to find resolution to them). In the first instance, I find a particular shame storm is triggered when my partner is taking on a more dominant role between us during sex; this is not related to the actual type of sex we are having but the emotional balance at the time we are having it. We both like varying our roles and experimenting as we believe it keeps our sex life fresh and interesting, but this particular scenario I have found to be emotionally challenging for me. Now, half the battle is finding the cause, and I have identified the cause of the shame being directly attributed to my early preadolescent days when I was sexually coerced and manipulated against my will by a childhood friend (a topic I have previously discussed in other threads). I know the simple answer would be to engage in other types of role play (and when I take a dominant role no shame results) to avoid the trigger altogether, but I do admittedly have a high sex drive, enjoy exploring various types of sexual activity, and am open minded and flexible with regard to what types of roles are assumed (taken in combination with the aforementioned desire for my partner and I to keep our sex fresh). Instead of succumbing to the shame and just avoiding the triggers, I rather work to figure out how to resolve the storms in this instance from occurring. On the one hand, I have resigned myself to possibly having this particular shame storms indefinitely, on the other my competitive nature dictates that I continue to work towards a solution. Second, I do have shame storms during certain holidays. Where I once thought the feelings were of remorse, regret, or guilt, I have concluded the feelings are actually from shame. I say this because I actually do feel as I have worked through the latter, but the shame still resides. And I believe it is driven from the separation between myself and my children following my divorce from their mother. As an example, Sunday was fathers day. I was with friends having a great time on holiday for a long weekend (my partner had to work so we were not able to be together). I knew my children were spending fathers day with their mother and their mother's extended family. And I felt an overwhelming sense of shame for having taken away from them their perception of what was once a loving family unit that they had grown up with. Now, I know all the arguments as to why I should be able to resolve my shame - they still maintain my love, they still get the support from both their parents, they are resilient and have been able to get on with their life in the new dynamic; but although I have been able to rationalize all of that, the shame still persists. For me, in this instance, I actually do not mind the shame storm that occurs. I take the few hours of time when the storm hits, allow it to encompass my emotions, and wait for it to pass. Once it does, all of the rationality comes back and I find I feel reinvigorated and ready to move with the rest of my day. I have been thinking through if I have experienced other shame storms, but as I reflect and look back, I can not sense others that have occurred (although I imagine some do but maybe they are on a more subconscious level).
I totally get the guilt and shame with not giving your child the nuclear family. It doesn't mean that they aren't loved though. It's tough to accept not seeing your children on Father's Day. I saw my little girl on Father's Day but won't see her on her birthday
I'm just going to throw this out here: are you ashamed when your partner takes a dominant role because you are being forced to submit or because, perhaps unconsciously, you enjoy being forced to submit?
Hi OTH I can certainly relate to shame related to sex and especially related to past trauma. Do you feel the shame during or after sex (or both)? Have you found anything that helps to mitigate the shame at all? I wonder if there are some ways to ease into feeling more comfortable in having sex in the ways that now bring shame. Have you tried letting your partner take on a dominant role while being intimate, but not sexual? Does this create shame as well or is it comfortable for you? I wonder if it would be helpful to take it in stages, let your partner take a dominant role in varying contexts starting with intimacy, and only intimacy; then at a later time him being dominant in sexual play/teasing, then a later time in foreplay, and finally when having sex. Each time reflecting afterwards and trying to think of ways to let go of the shame. Perhaps confronting the shame in stages like this will bring you to a better emotional place . In terms of the second issue - I think that it's almost impossible not to feel guilt as a parent, and guilt can often turn into shame. I don't know that it ever goes away, but perhaps talking to your kids about it can ease those feelings a bit. (If I recall correctly they are late teens/early twenties??) I say this because my dad, an amazing dad by the way, has expressed his feelings to me over the years, after I'd grown up, that he felt a lot of guilt over not living with us when I was a kid, not spending certain holidays with us. I don't know if those conversations have helped him. But I certainly felt that those talks made us closer. I was surprised he even felt this way, because I'd (we'd) never lacked his attention or love or time. I'm not sure if you feel comfortable with this, and I don't know if it's helpful advice. I hope it helps s little!
Thoughtful questions. And as I am typing, I am realising I have mislabelled the situation, so let me clarify further. The storm is not a consist storm and it happens infrequently, the only time it happens is when my partner would be the instigator (as compared to my prior comment of him being dominant - as he inherently is not dominant, even in bed), and such instigation is similar to ones what I experienced as a child generating the feeling of pressure to have sex. Only during the specific instances does the storm occur. As before, it's not tied to the type of sex we are having or whatever actual activity we might engage in. It's correlated with him making a demand for action by me when I am not aroused concurrently with him. When we have foreplay and our arousals are aligned, it's not an issue We have been together approaching three years and we inherently trust one another. We also have an amazing sex life and it just seems to continue to grow. At the same time, the vast majority of time I am the one instigating the sex When I am Instigating the sex, when we are being romantic, when there is foreplay even if he is instigating the sex, and when the sex is passionate, it is always amazing. So only in the certain circumstances when he instigates the sex where I am not in the mood does the trigger occur. So, thinking through this, it would seem my partner and I need to make sure we always have plenty of foreplay regardless of whom is instigating the sex. I.e. I think "quickies" might need to come off the menu
Very cool, it seems you've come to a lot of good conclusions just through writing it all out I think it's great that you want to work to confront the shame. I think that can be cathartic, help you grow, and enrich your life. I'm glad that you've got an idea to try and I hope it makes a difference. Enjoy the trial and error, that's the fun part
My partner and I discussed it, yet again, over coffee this morning after I typed this. He would rather not trigger the storm at all; whereas I want to resolve it. We both have different approaches to the situation and we will work together to see how and if it can be resolved. If not, we just will limit the specific actions which lead to the storm.
Hmm I understand both of your perspectives, he loves you, and doesn't want to bring those feelings to the surface. But, I think I come from a similar place as you, and I certainly would rather face my demons and work to resolve them. It's a tough one to navigate. But it sounds like you and he have a good basis of love and respect and you will figure out together how to work through it in a way that respects you both.
