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How do you deal with the fear of being attacked?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by NamelessNothing, Jun 21, 2016.

  1. NamelessNothing

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    I don't know what I am, and I'm afraid to find out. I am barely out to a tiny handful of my closest friends, but beyond that I'm terrified of people finding out that I'm weird. Er, weird-er.

    I am socially awkward. I do not understand what it is exactly about me that other people read as being wrong, but many people have intensely negative nonspecific reactions to my presence. In public school, this meant I was bullied and picked on, a lot. Like, a lot a lot. Teachers and administrators never defended me, and I went to a "zero tolerance" school where any fighting back was swiftly punished. None of this bullying had anything to do with being LGBT; people just said I was "weird". People would hit me or shove me once and walk away, or steal my things, or throw things at me. They made fun of the way I talked constantly.

    I didn't actually start seriously questioning my identity until I was in my twenties. One of the pivotal moments for me was learning about the old Saturday Night Live skit character Pat. I immediately realized upon seeing the Pat skit that the way Pat appeared to other people was the way I was used to perceiving myself. I hadn't even realized there was anything unusual about this until I saw it being played out in front of me. I want to be clear, this is not a good or happy feeling. I don't "identify" as being like the character Pat. That was just how I unconsciously thought of myself, as a genderless thing.

    Unfortunately, while at college I started getting bullied again, which led to an incident involving the police where I was essentially arrested for fighting back. The arrest had devastating effects on my education and I dropped out. That was a long time ago, and I've never recovered from that incident. I'm terrified of the police and I know that anyone anywhere can attack me for anything and no one will step in unless I try to defend myself, and then only to help my attacker. I spend most of my time hiding indoors.

    I've never had much in the way of money or friends and I think my general lack of social activity has hugely hindered my ability to explore who I am. I'm at a point where I can't deny any longer how wrong things are identity-wise; my existence has gotten totally unbearable. But I am utterly hysterically terrified at the thought of anyone finding out that I'm perverted like this. People already hate me so much for what seems like nothing, I can't imagine what they'd do to me if they actually had a specific reason they could latch on to as an excuse. I feel like my mom would drive a thousand miles just to break my windows and set my house on fire.

    Right now I really want to find a local LGBT support group, in the hope that maybe, maybe they can offer me some insight and clarity into what the hell I am and what I can do about it. But I'm terrified of revealing anything about this on the phone with strangers, or being seen arriving at or leaving the location of a support group. My family can't ever find out about this. To be clear, I've lived my whole life in the south. I know other people live while being out here, but they have resources I don't have, like support networks or lawyers. Lately I've started to think my only hope is to move to the west coast, which seems a lot safer for people to be out in, but I just don't have anywhere near the resources to move out there right now, and it seems like a crazy thing to do before I even have any idea who I am or what I want.

    Do any of you feel fear like this? Has anything ever helped?
     
  2. YeahpIdk

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    Hey there:slight_smile:

    I can understand your concerns being in the south. Not a super, anything other than immediately white, Hetero and Christian, friendly type of place. In some places. So you are valid to be careful and weary, but please don't let it hold you back. It sounds like you may recently be starting to accept your true identity. It's always really scary in the beginning - how can you present yourself and feel comfortable in that if you don't really know what it is you're trying to present?

    I think we can all relate to, at some point, being worried about scrutiny. Even if we're from an area that's much more liberal. Like I live really close to NYC, and the area of the state I'm in is fairly liberal. I wouldn't be extremely worried if people knew I was not straight, but because it's not the majority setting of those around me, I'm not comfortable displaying (whatever that means) it just yet. So I'd amplify that by 20 in Texas!

    I don't know that much about Texas or Dallas, but I image that if you are in or close to Dallas, you'll have at least some resources available to you. Are you close to Austin? I feel like that's a really liberal area that could also be a good place. Wherever you are, there are usually resources. I saw a documentary about gay people in deep Mississippi. If they've got them there, then you've got them where you are! :slight_smile:

    It sounds like you live on your own, which is great, especially to explore yourself. Others will have better advice. Probably some who know your area better and actual resources, but in the mean time, stay on here to talk things out. Don't feel rushed to tell anyone or claim exactly how you feel in stone. Those are things that have helped me. I've flip flopped between bi, bicurious, one woman curious, lesbian, bi, and finally settled on queer. It's a journey. Don't be afraid of yourself! Feeling genderless is pretty common.

    And I'm sorry you went through so much bullying. The best of us have! you just have to come out of the other side knowing who you are and being truly confident in that. I really think you'll find a ton of resources here, and in your area once you feel comfortable to look into them. Good luck! :slight_smile:
     
  3. Cocolo

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    Your post made my heart hurt. I am so very sorry for the bullying and abuse that you've endured.

    THeres nothing wrong with being agender if thats what you are.. its just a beautiful part of the spectrum

    Please please reach out to your local LGBT group... you will find support and understanding there.

    I live on the west coast and I do feel fear at times. I don't know that its really much better for anyone out here. Its true that people are much more open and affirming here, and you can be openly gay in the workplace with a lot of acceptance. Gay bashing is not acceptable, especially where I work which is pretty diverse.

    Again, I do hope that you reach out to a local group... take those 'baby steps' until you feel comfortable. You do need a supportive network and I hope you eventually find one. Dont rush and do what makes you feel comfortable
     
  4. NamelessNothing

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    I don't live on my own, I just rent a bedroom in a house from someone who rents bedrooms. While a huge part of why I chose to live with my landlord was that they were someone who made me feel relatively physically safe, we're not actually friends, and I have no idea how they would react to finding out more about me. The other tenant(s) are people that I have no control over. I can barely afford this place as it is; there's no way I can get my own place.

    I don't know that much about Texas or Dallas either; I moved here five years ago to stay with family while pursuing an educational and work opportunity that turned out absolutely disastrously and destroyed the last of my relationship with my family. I actually was born in and live most of my life in Georgia. Texas actually feels significantly more liberal and progressive than Georgia, and that's saying something, but nowhere near the point that I feel safe. I'm closer to Forth Worth than Dallas, which is reportedly actually the more liberal of the two cities, but I have no idea where the liberal areas are, if there are any; my Texas family never showed me around, and they're "mandatory church every sunday" types anyway. I do know Austin is hours away, though. Regardless, I don't have any money to do things anyway.
     
  5. YeahpIdk

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    The good thing is that you're not living with family, unless your landlord is. This makes it a lot easier to explore yourself. And still, I understand your fears where you are, and definitely in GA. I have family in GA and the entire town is mandatory church, which proved a huge struggle for my family who are not Christians, in the beginning.

    Don't feel the need to tell your landlord. I know that keeping these feelings to yourself can be really overwhelming, but that's why it's great to have this forum. It starts to feel like a world where you're safe and can talk about anything you want. For me, at times that I was freaking out and wanted to tell family or friends certain things, it was a great outlet to just do it here until I'd collected myself and my thoughts after receiving advice and feedback. So utilize the heck out of this forum. Ask any question at all. Even if it seems weird as hell. Nothing is too weird to ask here, believe me!

    Once you feel more comfortable, I strongly urge you to reach out to your local LGBTQ+ group. It doesn't need to be broadcast where you live. And I also don't think it would be a bad idea to look into setting some goals for yourself. You sound really down on yourself, and it's probably from struggles in your past, but may also stem from being confused. Think about making plans to save up and move. I actually also want to move to Cali, more for my job, but if you feel that urge, don't ignore it! Start setting some small goals for this part of your life, and then to build toward being happier with where you live and are. There are so many people here who are or have gone through the same things and they're making great strides or have great success stories. Stick around, please! We will all always be here to help.
     
  6. NamelessNothing

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    I'm kind of confused now because you're being so supportive and I expected to be called crazy and that posting here was going to turn out to be another mistake. I don't know what to follow with.

    I've been living a sort of false double life through the internet for a decade now. I started slowly and built it up over years, with my interests getting bolder as I got more comfortable, but I never let it influence anything I did in real life. For a very long time I just wrote off everything I was involved in as reckless escapism, and it wasn't until after coming to Texas that I finally confronted myself and accepted that if I was miserable all the time and my only relief were fantasies I had constantly that they had to actually correlate with something I wanted and needed in real life. The problem is my life is such a tangled heap of burning wreckage it's impossible to sort out what's me and what's what's been done to me. I don't know what I actually need to be happy in the real world, but I know I can't have the fantasy. I don't want to find another secret place to share my deepest thoughts and feelings, I want to find a way to break out of this cycle of hiding myself that warps and distorts who I am both offline and online and try and find out to what extent my reality can be made bearable.

    I wish, desperately, that I had goals. I've been trying to set goals futilely for two years, but after the last big disaster I've lost what little ability I had to hope for the future. Right now it's a huge achievement just to do basic hygiene. I'm... on disability, and barely surviving financially. I have no career and no education. I used to hope that I could do things creatively, but I'm so emotionally broken it's been years since I've been able to make anything.

    Loneliness is a big problem. I didn't think I'd care about cutting off my family, but I've learned the hard way that as much relief as escaping from them got me, I'm always going to take a brutal battering around holidays. I have a few friends but contact with them has been thin and strained by distance and finances and life changes. More importantly, I've gradually come to realize all of my friendships have been dysfunctional because I've tried to use friends as familial surrogates, when my friends have their own families and just aren't interested in being mine. Romantically... well, it's pretty bad. I don't have any understanding of what sorts of real people I can be with- who I am capable of wanting and who is capable of wanting me back. My desires are all contradictory. It's very hard to set personal goals for relationships and self-improvement when I have no idea what direction the goal is even in, and apparently my goal of feeling like I have a family is just flat-out impossible.
     
    #6 NamelessNothing, Jun 21, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2016
  7. YeahpIdk

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    Don't feel confused by support. If anything, take comfort in the fact that what you're saying isn't wildly unfamiliar. I hope more people can add to this for you!
     
  8. 3n

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    Fellow southerner here, and I know how you feel.
    I've been bullied and attacked at school simply just because of who I like. It's your choice if you want to come out or not, and if you feel unsafe, I'd advise moving to a more liberal area. And how to deal with the fear of being attacked? There's really no way, but here's how I view it: would you rather stay inside, scared, or be who you want to be, even If that means you face some harsh judgement. Letting the fear take you over means you're letting the homophobes and the bigots win. Whatever you do, it's your choose.
    PM me if you want. Southerners stick together, man. Good luck
     
  9. whizbang

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    Get yourself into a martial arts class if at all possible. That's what I have done in the past, and am doing now. I refuse to fall into the handgun crowd.
     
  10. Zen fix

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    Hi Nameless. I was touched by your story. I don't exactly relate but I have a couple thoughts.

    You are brave. I know it may not feel that way to you or be much consolation. Despite what you have been through here you are, still trying. Still reaching out for answers. Most people would have given up if they had to endure half of what you have. But you haven't. You're still here. Battered, bruised and confused perhaps but still going. Please do me a favor. Just take a moment and acknowledge that about yourself.

    I think you have to find a way to network with others in the LGBT community. This is a good place to start but you need people IRL too. You need a network. You need people you can talk to and have experienced with. I understand your fear but you describe a situation that can't get much worse. May as well take that step then.

    Good luck to you.