A little background of myself. I am 47, married 21 years and two grown kids. I have known for as long as I can remember that I have been attracted to men, and women. Over the past several years that has become almost exclusively men. So over the the past couple of months I have been hinting to my wife about my sexuality, which of course has been met with confusion, tears and frustration. When we are talking about it I keep wanting to fully come out to her, but she starts to cry and I back off. The last thing in the world I want to do is hurt her, I know, how am I going to stop hurting inside myself with out coming out to her? Good question. I have been seeing a counselor and she has been telling me I need a support system, which is easier said then done. How do I meet other gay people? Not for hookups, not my thing. Unfortunately I live in an area that doesn't seem to have an out lgbt community. We have one gay bar in town that is nothing more than a meat market, so I've been told. To afraid to go in...lol. So as I am writing this I think that I am the only person in the world going through this, but of course the rationale side knows that isn't true. Not sure what I am looking for by writing this, maybe this is my way to journal, lol. Thanks for reading.
First a big welcome to EC. You are not alone, so many of us are in your place or have been in your place (as for me, I'm a woman who loves women - queer? Gay? And I'm married to a man). Coming out to your wife is going to be challenging and painful but you can do it. I think this step requires a feeling of security and confidence that is best gained through counselling and community. In terms of building community, I'd start with LGBT centres in or near your area. Do you have an LGBT centre? Do you live within an hour from a major city? If that's not somwthing you can find, meetups are also great ways to meet other gay or bi folks, and even LGBT friendly houses of faith. It's not always easy to build community, but just like anything, it happens one step at a a time. I hope this helps a bit. Keep posting and read other threads on here as well. This is a very supportive community.
Hi welcome I just came out to my wife after 30 years. So, I know how hard this is. It is really important to understand if you are bi or gay before you come out to your wife. What do YOU want? This may be a confusing time for your wife and confusion on your part could be tough on her. If you are bi and want to stay married, as I am, this requires a lot of communication and acceptance. I am in the same situation as far as a local support network...there is none. So, I relied heavily on this forum to figure out what I needed and how to tell my wife. It appears you do not want to cheat. I almost did, but not my style either, and that honesty is important for my wife in building the trust needed to accommodate my gay desires within the marriage. Keep posting. If you have any questions ask away. Nothing is off limits here.
It may be a meat market, but they're not going to eat you alive. Seriously, people go to gay bars for all sorts of reasons, even straight people. When you're feeling so alone, it's important to meet and socialize with other gay people. That said, gay bars can sometimes seem unfriendly to newbies — most of the clientele seem to be couples and groups and a single guy can go unnoticed (unless he's Ryan Gosling). But even if you don't speak to a single person, I guarantee you'll feel better just knowing you're surrounded by others like yourself. So make an effort and GO!
This ^^ I totally agree with Weston. I can say that even as a woman, going to gay bars with more men than women (we're talking 10% ladies), it still felt like a huge step for me and very encouraging. I even made s friend at a bar (a guy) who I chatted with for hours about our coming out stories. This was in a bar. You never know until you get out there.
Your wife is most scared of losing you. What Nick posted is good advice. You need to figure out your orientation, your true self, your goals. You also need to consider the potential impact or changes for your marriage. It is not impossible to stay married and not be straight. Lots of us do it. Some of us do it very happily. I am bi and married, and my wife is supportive because we are both monogamous. Others find other situations that work, such as polyamory. Sometimes it does not work out. Sometimes the best move is to move on. The first step is to learn more about yourself. EC is a good place for that, in addition to other sources, counselors, whatever works for you.
Thank you all for some really great responses. I think I am going to like it here. I'm already not feeling as alone as I was, so thank you.
Here is a recent thread from someone similar to yourself - http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/215334-communicatingnabout-my-bi-gay-desires-wife.html. I posted a few replies with resources and ideas that might be helpful to you as well. HTH SF PS - Apologies I don't have time for a more individualized reply but hope the other thread might be helpful to you.
Hi D, I live in the Spokane area as well. Although on the surface it may seem like there aren't any out people here, or married guys in the closet, you'll find more than you expect. In particular, there are plenty of "out" people on Facebook in Spokane. Look particularly at some of the groups on Facebook. You're right to stay away from bars and places on East Sprague there, from what you've described of your goals. It's not so much that the bars or video stores are meat markets--it's just that people who are drinking and/or looking for hookups aren't going to want to explore deeper conversations with you, in general. Your wife is not going to be an easy sell, obviously. So what you need is people in 3D who can support you and with whom you can discuss these things you don't want to keep secret.
Hi, I just joined EC and am happy to find a place where people like me exist. So, I've been married for going on 30 years and have spent the better part of my marriage either trying to figure out my sexuality or denying my Bi feelings. Earlier this year I just couldn't take it anymore and my wife and I were in a therapy session when the therapy asked if we wanted to stay married. She said yes, and I said no. He said why no, and I just blurted out that I'm bi and that I don't think she can live with everything that that means going forward. She burst into tears about how our marriage was a lie and asked a million questions about who I slept with, did I have sex with guys and how many. It was a very stressful conversation and many threads about getting divorced what that would mean and look like. Flash forward 6 months and we're still married, but her jealousy has morphed to now include guys. We can be simply watching a television show and perhaps a character is gay, immediately she will start a thread about him, and correlate it to me. Questions ensue. There's no easy answers I know, and perhaps ending the marriage (2 grown kids/grandkids and she can't work due to medical issues) would be the best option, but there are many complications related to that option. Do I wish I hadn't been honest with my wife? No, I'm glad it's out there, even though she said that if we split up she's telling the world that I'm gay and that's the reason I left. I'm not on Facebook, but she's friends with all of my friends and family. Would that be the end of the world? No. It would be very uncomfortable for my 80+ year old parents, but I think in the end my family would love me regardless and see her as just lashing out. So, I'm still on the treadmill of life, taking it day by day, but glad that at least I can accept my sexuality and the many years of torturous thoughts have ended. I hope that others who chose to be honest with their spouse have an easier time. Peace.
Hey Redwinerox Just saw this post. I too just came out to my wife as bisexual after 30 years. So, I know how hard it is to build up to telling her. I am sorry your wife has not taken it very well. Is she upset because you are bi, or does she think you might be gay? You mentioned she was jealous of guys. Are you still sexually attracted to her and have an intimate relationship or is that pretty much over between you? Have you tried continued marriage counseling or are you in counseling too? Lots of questions...hope you don't mind.
