Well, I know I have a crush on my online friend. I'm just not sure if it's a "she's so awesome" crush or a "I totally want to touch her" crush. I've known her for many years and though I know it's the internet for various reasons I won't go into I know she is who she says she is. She considers herself mostly straight and I know she thinks of me like a friend (in fact once she said I was like family) so I know I shouldn't tell her. I mean she'd be nice about it but I really don't need to hear a speech about how flattered she is or whatever. She does know all about my confusion about my orientation and she is very supportive. I guess the thing is that I have daydreams about marrying her. It's kind of stupid because I've never been in the same room with her but if she asked me to marry her I'd be really happy and I'd look up how to move to the country where she lives (which I probably couldn't, but I mean, in my head.) Sometimes I picture having sex with her but it's less sexual than just... wanting to be with her. However this isn't as much like crushes I've had on men -- less "butterflies" and "I can't live without this person" and more "this is the greatest person I've ever met and if I only I could be around her all the time." I do think I'd be jealous if she talked to me about her dating life/sex life but she doesn't so it's not a problem. I don't even know if she's currently dating anyone or not. I do have a tendency to compare other women to her, which is a downside. Like I'll think "This woman seems nice but she's not as great as my friend." The truth is I don't really need advice about this per se. I know I shouldn't tell her and I'm not going to. I know I should do my best not to encourage myself to feel this way and so far I've been able to do that. (Which is part of why I wonder if it's a real crush, because I don't feel horrible and devastated that nothing will ever come of it.) I just have no one to talk to about this because she's the person I talk to about things like this! So I wanted to say something to people who would understand.
I can relate to a lot of what you've described, but in a different situation. I don't think it's stupid, but I understand where you're coming from in feeling it is. There's an old friend that I'm no longer in touch with, that I sometimes imagine the same things about. Maybe that's because your relationship is online? With the crush I mentioned above, I don't feel that "I can't live without this person" or "butterflies" because we're not in contact and I do live without her. However, I might feel that way if we were in regular close contact again, though.
The fact that it is online may be part of it, yes. Also I'm pretty secure in our friendship so maybe that's why I don't feel as desperate about her. Not that desperate is a good thing anyway. Ever since I made this post I've been thinking about her a lot. I almost never talk about the fact that I have these feelings for her and maybe talking about it is encouraging it too much. But I guess I was already thinking about her or I wouldn't have made the post. I'm sorry you lost touch with your friend. That's difficult.
Yes, when I'm in a situation where I'm free to tell her how I feel, I might try to get in touch again. Since we're not in contact now, I've got nothing to lose. Yes, I know what you mean. I often think that I must stop thinking about her.
