The Gay Search for Masculinity

Hmmm. This doesn't bode well for me as I start my search for a playmate as I am only attracted to other masculine men. Fortunately, I live in an area where there are a lot of outdoorsy types. Still, looking should be fun!

I wonder if you are looking in the wrong places. Not that I have a clue about how to look in the right places. Maybe it just takes patience to not settle for what you don't really want just to get off!

Could it be that you attract the feminine men and not the masculine?

 

Another Masculine vs Feminine debate; seems to always come up at some point. Maybe instead of focusing on the type of guy you should consider focusing on why you are more comfortable with one or another? If you are either gay or bi, you enjoy c--k; and if you do enjoy it, this entire notion seems to be negated from my perspective. Instead, it would seem to me that a desire for masculine guys over feminine guys might say more about your own sexual insecurities than anything else. Sorry if I am being a bit blunt. But I find feminine guys amazing, charismatic, full of life and absolutely adorable. I simply do not get the preference of one over another.

 

Onthehighway

I don't understand how a preference for the way a person acts has anything to do with sexual insecurities. Why wouldn't I choose to have sex with someone who I find attractive on a number of levels besides his c**k? I couldn't care less about the "tool". I am more interested in the "mechanic". Is that "insecurity"?

I admit I am totally new at this and have barely started exploring my options. But, shouldn't this be a choice for me without feeling I am somehow not being gay enough or something? Really, I am asking.

 

It hasn't been my experience that most gay men are feminine. I would say they average about the same as straight guys, with one glaring exception: most of them are not afraid of looking feminine from time to time. In my experience the guys who are the most down on the feminine guys are the ones who are really afraid of seeming feminine. From where I sit operating from a position of fear isn't particularly masculine at all...

 

To clarify my feelings. I am not "down" on feminine guys and I, probably, enjoy the flirting with them a bit more. But, the guys I find most attractive are those that I share a vibe with, or built like me, or do the things I do. I am not into fair skinned, skinny guys either regardless of how masculine they act. Or, really big dudes.

Is this wrong? I am the same with women. I have a type.

 

OGS

on reflection, you may be correct. I used to get beat up as a kid because I was small and feminine acting. So, I got strong and brave. So, I suppose that I do not want to appear feminine. And, I guess I find that attractive in other guys too.

For me, it is a moot point I suppose. I find masculine men desire able and they are the only type I can be somewhat out with given my marital situation and the small town I live in. Oh well! And, if I went shopping with a guy my wife WOULD get jeolous!

 

Trust me, when that special guy comes along, you won't give two shits about whether he is femme etc., body hair, muscles, type of underwear he wears etc. cuz in 20 years you're both gonna be old, ugly and wrinkly men who can share a laugh together and be there because you love a PERSON and not an outward projection of stereotypes.

 

In twenty years I'll only be 75 and I damn well will be sharing more than a laugh with any of my friends and we'll still rip up the mountain and look like we can do it! Just joking around....sort of!

 

See, and this is that thought process that sometimes makes me think okay maybe I'm not gay and just sexually attracted to guys, because everything you just described sounds so blah to me. I get if you fall for somebody not caring what they look like, but when you're doing the online dating thing and half the time have to judge if its worth giving somebody a try based on basic level of attraction to them...yeah. I think it does matter, whether we want it to or not.

 

Dude. You're gay. Now go find some hot guy and prove it to him!

I know what you mean though. I have a picture of the old wife and I rocking on the front porch happy as can be talking about the underwear model we have living over the garage!

 

:lol:

Yeah, the idea of a woman being older doesn't turn me off. But then, I guess I'm not sexually attracted to a woman's body, so why would it turn me off any more than it turns me on? It's just neutral. Like, oh that's nice, you're missing something but good for you with what you've got there. Wanna go shoe shopping?

The last part is a joke, I promise. But yeah. Maybe I'll just be one of those guys who has a hot young boyfriend at all times. I totally get why my 50-something year old friend and is 50-something year old husband have a 22 year old boyfriend.

 

I apologize in advance for the somewhat heavy content of this post.

Prior to 1973, the prevailing psychological theory of male homosexuality held that it was a mental illness, a kind of arrested development:

While most boys are able to psychologically separate from their mothers and begin to identify with a father figure, gay boys are unable to complete this transition and remain identified with the mother. As a result, they are deeply insecure about their masculinity and seek it out in the form of sex with other men.

The "typical" gay lifestyle of endless cruising and hookups was seen as a pathological, futile search for masculinity. Homosexuality was thought of as an addiction, where the addict seeks to cure his anxiety over a painfully insecure masculinity by consuming someone else's masculinity via sex. Psychoanalysts believed that the only way to achieve a stable sense of masculinity was to stop this addictive behavior and, instead, go back and "repair" the inner bond with the father (hence the term "reparative therapy").

Of course, this theory is obviously flawed because it explains only the cases of deeply conflicted individuals. Which makes sense, since "well-adjusted" gay men probably didn't seek out therapy to cure their gayness.

Indeed, there seem to be gay men who don't see their inner femininity as a lack of masculinity. Instead, they embrace their femininity as a part of their identity. They are able to express that part of themselves both sexually and in their personalities, and to form meaningful bonds with other gay men.

In my daily life, I encounter plenty of these "well-adjusted" gay men, but I cannot identify with them at all.

I have always experienced my gay feelings as a kind of "failed masculinity," which is why I've had such a hard time embracing them. Intellectually, I understand that the old psychoanalytic theory is flawed, but it so closely mirrors my own feelings that I can't just write it off as homophobic nonsense.

I rarely experience my femininity, but when I do it's extraordinarily intense. This happens during my bottoming masturbation sessions, when I imagine myself as submissive and womanly, craving penetration and domination. These sessions help reduce my anxiety a lot. But I'm also deeply ashamed of the feelings that come up. Deep down, I am terrified and disgusted that my sexuality is female and perhaps inherited from my mother.

I don't really know how to cross this divide. My feminine sexual side is just as split off and hidden as it's ever been. I can't seem to integrate it into the rest of my personality.

I've tried "putting myself out there." But socializing with gay men doesn't do anything to address these inner conflicts. Somehow I need to magically change my entire perspective, but that would be like trying to convince myself the sky isn't blue.

 

Hey Nerdbrain

As a bisexual, I find it hard, in general to completely define my sexuality or what a particular attraction really means. When I look at how I am to go out some into the gay world here, I have no idea how I am supposed to feel about any of this. This is rather obvious from my comments above. I am wondering if this might be an advantage? Ignorance is bliss!

Why not experience as much of the range of sexual emotional "positions" as possible? Why dwell on the one's that you think define you while leaving the others alone.

Have some fun! Sex is supposed to be fun!

 

This thread is hard for me to relate to. Perhaps that is because I'm bi.

Does this relate to Dominant/Submissive? Because I love a dominant, feminine woman. I could dig a submissive, masculine man too. Or a dominant one. You get the idea....

 

Interesting post OP. I relate to 90% of what you're saying ... especially about the gay scene in SF. I call myself bisexual because I don't identify with all of the baggage that comes with the "gay" label, but my sexual attractions are much more towards (masculine) men. On the other hand, I also find myself attracted to zaftig women sometimes. Never a feminine man.

 

I am really perplexed that just because someone is bi, they assume the attraction dynamic as being discussed may not relate to them; whether it be a true attraction or some physiological phenomena.

For some of you whom are bi, it seems you have a good handle on being bi and are open minded leading me to believe that you are very comfortable in your own skin and have a corresponding good level of confidence. For some of the other posts, however it does seem you are dealing with a significant amount of internalized homophobia; which exists regardless of whether you are straight or bi.

Maybe what each of you needs to do is have an honest thought about internalized homophobia and search within yourself for direction to help you overcome it.

I am not questioning whether your bi or not, I am only suggesting that whatever it is you are, you need to build your self confidence, which you can do if you find a way to release yourself from the remnants of internalized homophobia. At which point, I do believe the construct of masculine vs feminine becomes irrelevant.

 

Well. I will see how day two of the local Pride goes for me here. But, I could not relate at all to anyone yesterday. I don't believe it is homophobia...it is just not me. The clothes, haircuts, jewelry all of that did not attract me to any of these guys. Now, the local "straight" bike studs...totally. Just sayin.

I never questioned that the type of woman I found attractive might indicate some sort of insecurity or inability to accept parts of myself. I am still at a loss to understand why my attractions to a particular type of man might. Or, if it does, do I even care?