A letter that you'll never read.

Dear S,
I'm sorry. I have said it more times than I probaby need to.
The guilt that eats my insides up compels me to do it.
I was doing alright for a week or two.*
I was mad at you for making things more difficult than it needed to be. I think of things my mother has said,
"Look at all you're walking away from, all the things you have worked so hard for."
She's right, and wrong. And these words stick to me like glue.
The visions of you screaming in my face burned into memory, forever.
The hurt I caused. The pain I inflicted .
how does one ever forgive themselves. Move past the pain.
Yes, I walked away. From our house, our dogs... I walked out on us.
But, I know that it would not have been fair for you, or me...
I can't forgive myself for cheating on you.
I also have a hard time forgiving you for throwing me out, yelling at me, destroying our things,
putting a deadbolt on the door, telling me I didn't deserve to see my dogs, of which you know are my children.
You took care of me.
You treated me like a queen.
Gave me everything I ever could want.
And this is how I thank you.
I do not hurt for myself. I am happy with her.
But you stand in my way like a giant brick wall.
My guilt. My punishment .
I can't help to feel that this, all of this will come full circle on me.
And it scares me to death. That I will always pay for my actions .Until the day I die.
I cannot turn back time. And regret is not a word that I keep in my vocabulary .
I suppose it had to be this way. Happen just as it did.
But really, my still technically Husband. We were always better friends than we were ever lovers.
my lack of interest, going months without touching you.
I'm sorry I ever said yes, I felt pressured.
that it was just the next step in my life and it needed to happen.
Look at the wake I left in my aftermath.
There was never a right time. It's sort of like planning a tornado.
I was afraid, so very afraid. Like a child, hiding from the thunder.
Nothing in the world can prepare you for that.
I know you saw it coming. That must have been like waiting for a tidal wave, sweeping over you.
I told so many people in the beginning of us, that you were the best thing that had ever happened to me.
And I guess that was true at the time. I needed you then. At that point in my life.
and people drift in and out. I just wish I hadn't left such a mess.
I feel selfish. Me, me, me.
but I know it would not have been fair for me to stay.
to me or you.
I find little things through the day that help me heal.
My heart breaks for you. Though I'm not sure it needs to.
You will find someone, or someone will find you.
And I hope that they can love you more and better than I ever could.
My Love forever,
~K~

 

Thank you, I see you may be feeling the same things I did/do.
My heart is with you.(*hug*)