When I'm going about my day on my own, I feel just fine. I enjoy taking care of daily stuff while being wrapped in my own thoughts. When I'm walking by someone, being in a room full of people, even strangers, I feel so out of place because I am hiding something - hiding my perceptions, feelings, don't know exactly.. I feel that if they knew my story, my true self, I would be so exposed and rejected. My self esteem goes down the drain. I feel not worthy as a woman, as if some poorly designed person. Poorly designed on the inside. So I desperately keep my outside shell as acceptable as I can. It is really affecting my self esteem. My closet full of clothes is truly my low self esteem. When I put on plain tee I am terrified of looking like my trigger, it is painful. When I look at woman's behind, it is painful. Checking myself to look and act as feminine and normal all the time is getting annoying. Questioning gets my self esteem to a low point. It feels more with women because I feel as if that they fit in their "box" and I don't have it. Hiding is lying. Don't know exactly what I am hiding and from who, but my self esteem sucks nowadays.. Any suggestions?
I can definitely identify with fear of rejection when considering how someone might react to my orientation if/when they find out. I think that's probably pretty common here. It's not easy, but what I do is reassure myself that it is okay to be me, be completely different from most others, to go against the flow and still be happy. I think about other areas of my life where I've done that and succeeded, as a way to pull strength and energy from other experiences. Four years ago, I switched from car commuting to bicycle commuting, to improve my health. When it started working, I went all-in. I gave my old car to charity and got rain and snow gear to ride year round. Every day I ride in traffic, in bright neon clothes, amidst motorists who surely think I'm nuts. But... I've lost 60 pounds and kept it off. And I don't care what others think, I'm awesome. LOL. I try to apply that to coming out bi, too. It helps, but it's honestly still a challenge. Can you boost your self-esteem by considering other areas in life where you are different from most, but still fabulous?
I'm sorry that you're feeling so badly about this (*hug*) I wonder if it would help you to normalise a lot of your feelings, by seeing and hearing about others who feel like you. I think the best way is by surrounding yourself with LGBT friends; but also reading and watching things with LGBT themes. Are you going to counselling? I think that coinselling would help you immensely.
Both are useful advices, I appreciate all your suggestions There are many things I am great at. I guess paying attention to daily accomplishments may help, although I feel that things I do and hobbies are only parallel to my internal struggle.. I literally feel as if let's say I am missing something that others have. Yes, I've had and am having straight life and commitments. However, what others have mostly is being content with their sexuality(except for many EC members) and I don't.. (those are thoughts running through that crush my self esteem). I don't have close LGBT friends, if I suspect someone as such, they are complete strangers. I truly wish I could talk to another lesbian/bi. Gosh, I am so far from how close you are to your true path, Barista! Sometimes I want to talk to therapist, but that's another thread maybe. It's amazing how life has thrown so many punches at me and I got by pretty much without any therapy.. And here I am, early 40s and so confused, not funny at all.
I have felt this way also BEFORE my true (or new) sexuality began to emerge. It was as if my sexuality had begun to shut down before or at least my desire to enter into a relationship. I had begun to feel this resistance to being coupled. Others had that desire, that drive to get married but I didn't. So I sometimes felt that my life was separate from others. So you're not alone in that feeling. My experience is a little different from yours because I'm not in a relationship but it's the same in that I feel my life is totally different. It sounds like we are similar in some ways--early 40s, female, questioning sexuality. I can tell you that I too have been dealt many punches, and therapy really does help. I've already found a counselor to help me through this sexuality issue but I just need to call this week and make sure they have availability so that we can get started. Don't look at therapy as some type of bad thing, it really is a good thing in my experience.
