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Questioning my Bi-ness

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by FalconBlueSky00, Jun 24, 2016.

  1. FalconBlueSky00

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    I've had times where I wonder if I'm not bi but a lesbian and can't admit it. The feeling pops up once every few years, and then I end up seeing a guy I'm attracted to in a magazine or on tv and go nope definitely bi. I'm questioning pretty much my whole life right now so I guess it's natural that that has popped up again. I'm seriously thinking about asking for a divorce. Sexual preference is part of it, but relationship problems are the bigger issue. I think we want different things in life, children, responsibilities, the ways we spend time. I'm having a hard time with the fact that I love him with and value the relationship deeply yet I'm still unfulfilled in the relationship. When I imagine a future without him, being with another guy is never apart of that. I guess that's where my questioning is coming from right now. Thanks for listening, I think I just needed to "talk" out loud.
     
  2. Nickw

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    Bunny

    Being Bi is so complicated with relationships. I think sometimes because we have these feelings that our partner cannot share that maybe we shut them out on discussing the other feelings too. You don't decide these things on your own. You have to talk them out with your husband.
     
  3. Adray

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    I'm sorry to hear that you are having relationship problems. Nick's advice is pretty good, if there is anything you haven't discussed with your husband, perhaps it would be best to try that first.

    For what it's worth, from our interactions on EC, I think you are bi, too. You are also intelligent, creative, and thoughtful, so you would have a lot to offer someone if it didn't work out in your current relationship. Hugs and best wishes, however you proceed.
     
  4. Nyx2

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    I'm new here, questioning too. Know you're not alone.
     
  5. FalconBlueSky00

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    Nickw,
    Most of the problems we have, have been talked about and are long term things that haven't found a resolution. I'm in counseling and she's asked me to think about what I can accept and what I can't. It's put me in evaluation mode, looking at what's most important to me. I know that talking to him is again is going to happen, but I want to approach it from the perspective of what needs I have to have fulfilled to be happy. I tend to throw out my own needs in the face of someone else's pain, because of that I'm seriously looking at all options and how I feel about them first. Thank you for your advice, it really is good advice.

    Adray,
    Thank you for the compliments. It's always nice when your feeling down.

    Nyx2,
    Welcome:slight_smile:
     
  6. dirtyshirt84

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    Sorry to hear that you are having relationship problems Bunny, I can relate. My husband and I have talked a lot about things which has helped but there are still areas in which I too feel unfulfilled in our relationship and we need to try and decide how to move forward. We also had a toddler though and we always want to make sure his needs come first.

    I have also had a period of questioning my whole life and wondering if I am actually a lesbian too. I guess it's pretty common to wonder that, when you identify as Bi. I too think if my husband and I split up tomorrow I imagine my future having a relationship with a woman and not a man. I wonder if most people here who identify as Bi and are in a straight marriage would also pursue a same sex relationship if they were single?

    I guess perhaps decide what is a deal breaker for you? What you can live with and what you can't live without. Good luck and *hugs*
     
  7. Damien

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    I suspect that the doubt that often plagues us bisexuals, would not be there, if we knew that we had more broad acceptance in both the straight and glbt worlds. I would feel much more accepting of myself, if I felt safe to just be myself openly. Human beings are social creatures, and not being an outcast from society, seems to matter for wellbeing.
     
    #7 Damien, Jun 25, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2016
  8. Nickw

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    Bunny

    I sense this is not a struggle about what others think about you, but more of an internal battle (if you will). I still wonder if my sexuality can allow my relationship with my wife to be what it should be. I am concluding that I need to be sexually fulfilled to make the relationship work. If I can't be happy I cannot provide my wife what she needs. This is the paradox. For some of us bisexuals we need to be gay or we cannot be happy being in a straight relationship.

    Good luck. Know we have your back.
     
  9. RosePetals76

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    I used to use bi as a shield. I didn't want to admit I was a lesbian. I felt if I could make myself be with men, but still acknowledge that I liked women, it'd be enough. I can't do that anymore. I am a lesbian, and I've lost the fear of the label. It's actually easier to find a woman to date of you're lesbian than bi, as many lesbians reject bi women for fear that they will be left for a man. (I don't do this, but I've had it done to me.)
     
  10. womaninamber

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    I also struggle with this. I'm attracted to men but more theoretically, right now I really want to be with a woman in a monogamous relationship but RosePetals76 is right and so many women will not date bi women. And I did leave a relationship with a man even though I definitely felt at the time that I was still attracted to men, so I can relate to that too.

    I just hate the idea of being bi and I feel like if I'm bi I should just pretend to be straight. (I don't feel that way about other people, just me.)

    Sorry, I guess that's not much help. But I hope you find a way to be yourself.
     
  11. Nyx2

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    Hi. Me again. I think your point about sexual preference being separate from relationship issues is an excellent one. I am married to a great guy, but if we ever split up I know a man would not be part of a future relationship for me. That makes me see myself as a lesbian, but a friend recently reminded me of at least one man (other than my husband) that I was attracted to. I don't know how to classify my sexuality, I often wonder if labels are too specific. I am not a lesbian or bisexual, unless bisexual has a much more broad meaning than just "attracted to members of both gender." I'm sorry I can't be more help...
     
  12. Katchoo

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    Bunny, I care about you and really want to say something helpful, but I can't think of what to say. Everything I have to say seems to be about me instead of you. But, yeah. I care. I hope you can get things figured out.
     
  13. lnamae

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    I think there's a lot more to being bi than simply finding either sex attractive. Some of us are a lot more drawn to same-sex relationships romantically, others are the opposite. Some of us it completely doesn't matter either way. Maybe you don't need to question your "bi-ness", but what being bi means to you. I know a guy who's bi, sexually attracted to men and women, but only has strong romantic feelings for men so only really dates men. Doesn't make him not bi, that's just his experience of it.

    Maybe it's best to be open with your partner. And yeah, it's going to be hard and sometimes it feels easier to ignore problems until they get too big, and then you -have- to deal with them, but you may feel a lot worse if you don't. And i don't just mean the sexuality stuff, but the other problems you guys are having too. If there's mutual respect, there shouldn't be anything you can't talk about and try and resolve with each other. Of course if there isn't mutual respect, that's a totally different story.
     
  14. RosePetals76

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    At first when I couldn't bring myself to label, I used a Kinsey scale number. I started thinking I was a 3, then actually was with a woman, and moved it up to 4, then really got to thinking, and moved up to 5. It was when I starred thinking I was more like 4.5 I decided lesbian was the right label.