I feel like I'm drowning

Hi everyone,

I'm brand new here and to be honest I don't even know where to begin. Here goes...

I'm a 46-year-old, divorced father of two. I seriously started questioning my gender about three years ago. I actually first (half-jokingly) started questioning it back in the early 90's. I was in my early 20's and knew I was "different" but at the time (pre-internet), there really weren't a lot of resources for me to try to figure out what I was feeling. I distinctly remember telling all my close friends back then that "I was a lesbian trapped in a man's body". Most of my friends didn't have the slightest idea what I meant by that, and probably thought I was just joking around anyway. It was how I truly felt though. Despite that, as far as I knew the only option was full sexual reassignment surgery, and I didn't want to go through that, so I just ignored how I was feeling. Well, time passed and life happened... I got married, had kids and never really thought about it again.

Fast forward twenty years and I found myself in a failing marriage and a complete mess (emotionally, mentally, & physically). My ex and I divorced in December 2013 and by that time, I didn't care about anything (except my kids). I had lost myself and honestly didn't care if I lived or died. About five months later (May 2014) something happened... it was like a light went on in my head and I decided to pick myself up and start living again. I literally did a 180 and completely turned my life around. I lost 160 pounds, and also got mentally and emotionally healthier than I had been in years.

While I was working on getting my life back I started trying to figure out who I am and what I want out of the second half of my life. Once I started being introspective, all of those feelings of gender uncertainty that I just ignored and then forgot about 20+ years ago all started coming back. However, this time I had the benefit of Google! I started doing some research and one day came across the term "genderqueer". I've always been an advocate for LGBT rights (I was at the march on Washington back in 93), so I had heard the term before but didn't really know what it meant. Once I started reading about it, it really felt like a perfect fit. I finally felt like I wasn't just a freak anymore! There was a word for how I had always felt and there were a lot of people just like me! I was so excited!

That was about two years ago and the more time passes and the more I try to figure out who I am, the more confusing this all gets. For a while I was positive I was genderqueer. Now there's days when I feel like I'm genderfluid. Am I just splitting hairs?... is it six of one, half a dozen of the other? I don't know. To complicate things even more, just recently I even started questioning my sexuality. That's been the one constant through all of this... I was always positive that I'm only sexually attracted to women. Sure there's been men that I've been physically attracted to, but it was just that they were cute and I've always been comfortable enough with myself and my sexuality to recognize that. It was more of a playful thing... I'd see a cute guy and say something like "If I was gay he could be my boyfriend". Now I think I'm starting to have feelings that go beyond just seeing a cute guy and being physically attracted to him. Am I bisexual? Am I heterosexual who's bi-curious?

So... how's that for an introductory message? Ha! I know, I'm a mess!!! That's okay though... despite all of this craziness rumbling around in my head and heart, I haven't been happier or felt this good since I was in my early 20's. That's a pretty good place to be for someone who'll be 47 in a couple of months. I'd love to hear people's thoughts, especially those of you who have gone through similar things. I'd love to hear from anyone though, so even if you don't have any thoughts, feel free to just chime in and say hello or whatever!

Take care of yourselves,
Ange
xo