I'm not at the point of really seriously considering divorce at this point, and if I do consider it, it would not be for at least a year because of a lot of practical concerns. Right now we're working on other things that might allow us to stay together, so I'm not saying I'm getting a divorce from my husband. But it is something that I have as a possibility in my mind. Can you guys share stories about how you made divorce as smooth and healthy as possible for your wee ones? My little girl is almost 4.
This is a great question, and I'll be interested to see what others say. Obviously I'm not there either, but my parents divorced when I was a teen. I'm sure you won't, but don't make negative or critical comment about each other in front of any children. I witnessed it on both sides, and it's not nice because you feel so torn. I don't really want to go into the details of my parents divorce, but be as honest it's appropriate to be. I was left with a few misunderstandings that clouded my perception of my parents. I can think of a few more, but probably not relevant with a 4 year old. It's a difficult situation, isn't it?
My parents divorced when I was 6 and my brother 3, and currently my dad and my step-mom are divorcing. My brother is 21 so I'm not too worried for him, but I have two other younger siblings (12 and 6 years old). The divorce has been going on for over 2 years - almost 3, in fact. I'd say that the way we are trying to make the divorce easier for the youngest two is that although we do not live close, we very often call them and reassure them that there will always be stability in their family, in many ways, after the divorce is final. As older siblings, we love them dearly and will always be there for them, even though they are extremely likely to end up in exclusive care of our ex-step-mother, so technically not a "relative". My bro and I however cultivated a good relationship with her over the years, and as a result our baby sibs know that the divorce does not take everything away. It just makes things different. Different and bad isn't the same. So, yeah, I don't know what it's like for only children. I remember not being phased by my parents' divorce, but my mental health might be the reason why I was almost apathetic to it. Plus I had my brother to take care of. I had much more difficulty adapting to my step-father and step-mother, for a while. I agree with NotMyName that nothing is more annoying than hearing parents making mean comments about each other. It really ruined my views on relationships in general -- thank goodness I met people who changed it later, but for a while, to me, love was in passing and not a stable thing at all. 4 is a difficult age for children, with everything changing and moving fast around them,, as they start to truly define themselves as a person. In the event of you and your husband parting amicably (hopefully, really, if you can then please pretty please do), you will have to work together to make sure that your daughter is feeling loved, supported, and most importantly safe despite the drastic change happening in her life. If you do so, I am certain that she will live this situation far better than the kids of "bad" divorces. To know that familial love and sweet habits remain can do wonder! (*hug*)
Thanks so much to both of you. NotMyName- my parents also divorced when I was little. They handled things really well, basically, similar to what you're saying here, presenting a united front and being respectful and supportive of each other, speaking praises to us of the other parent. I worry about my husband and I in this respect. We have trouble doing this as a *married* couple. It's mind-numbingly difficult to solve problems with my husband, probably because we're both doing things wrong. But from his side, because he doesn't make it easy to talk things out with him so we can come to a middle ground or shared view. And I find that this makes us slip into (we really work at *not* doing this, but sometimes slip) being critical of each other in front of our daughter. I hate our married relationship, honestly. It's so far from what I think it should be, especially as parents. Perhaps I should stop and say now, actually we've gotten along better and communicated better for The last six months or so. But we've had several arguments the last few days and they remind me of deep differences in our views, and I often wonder if these differences are reconcilable. Probably worth it to note that my sexuality may be reason enough to separate if the open marriage doesn't seem to be enough. ---------- Post added 25th Jun 2016 at 07:36 AM ---------- mirkku- I really worry about this aspect as well, stability is key, and I totally agree with you on that. But we've already changed my daughter's life drastically from age 1, moved from NY to Edinburgh to PA to Edinburgh... That's 3 overseas moves in 3 years. And then I think we're likely to make another overseas move when she's 5, especially if we separate because I would rather be back home for a lot of reasons if we divorce. Also she will be just starting kindergarten, another huge change. Then add onto that, the unpredictable nature of my husband's job market...could we live in the same city? Maybe. And my husband and I are from different countries of origin. Would he rather be in his country or mine? All of this impacts stability. An ideal divorce would be, I suppose with shared custody, two parents living in reasonable proximity, etc. And also, the idea that she's an only child does worry me. I know that what really got me through my parents' divorce was having my brother. He's the only person in my life that's *always* been there. I don't know how to navigate all of these minefields and make it a reasonably stable situation for her.
I feel for you so much on this. (*hug*) My partner is very set on his way being the right way, so I understand your frustration. I accept that I've not been assertive enough and I'm not faultless, but he makes it hard work. My relationship is very far from what I think it should be too. I won't go on and on about it, but we parent very differently. My partner has actually encouraged our daughter to hit me, call me names, and asks her whether she'd like me to move out. :icon_sad: I wonder the same things about my relationship. Our daughter aside, if I could go back in time, I'd probably say no to our first date. That's not say we haven't had good times, but we just don't function as a couple. My sexuality aside, I'd still be considering separating. I sometimes worry about finding happiness in the future if I do split from him, but when I think about all the problems in our relationship, I sometimes think that I'd be happier being single. I have a brother too, and I completely agree with this. He's the only one who was there through our parents divorce, subsequent new partners, and further divorces. I worry about this too.
Thanks so much to everyone discussing this. It is such a difficult subject and just writing it out is a bit scary. I have a good relationship with my wife. We parent well and we have a good friendship. I feel an immense sadness about the possibility of ending our marriage. However, we are not intimate and I get even more depressed when I think that I may never have a loving, romantic, committed, and sexual relationship with another man. Maybe an MOM would work but I keep thinking that it is just a step towards being divorced as I can't imagine trying to be in two romantic relationships at once. These discussions are really key when approaching these difficult decisions. I wish I had something to offer...but at least thanks for airing it.
I am sorry about your difficult situation barista... same goes for the other posters who are going through a similar situation I am single so I can only give you my perspective as a kid. 1. The hardest thing for a kid is to pick sides... I grew up with my maternal grandparents and when they fought (which was all the time), my grandma would remain silent for many days. She would still clean and cook and call me out for meals but she wouldn't talk otherwise. During those times if I tried to comfort her, she would say that I was on my grandpa's side and I would feel like a traitor... I was also the only child so all I could do was to wait it out until things got back to normal. 2. Don't get in-laws involved, which was what my mom did and is still doing. She constantly tells my grandparents how awful my dad is and get them all worked up; then she goes back and tells my dad how much my grandparents dislike him; then she comes back again and tells my grandparents how angry my dad is about being disliked... This has been going on for as long as I can remember. I know you guys don't do this to your kids. My family is quite messed up. But I also know how tempting it is to get a little extra support from your kids or parents when you are upset with your spouse.... Anyway barista I hope you figure this out one way or another.
I agree with what others have said. The most important thing is to present a united front, even if you are divorcing. I am only 19 so haven't been through this myself, but my parents divorced when I was 9 in what was I think almost the model divorce but definitely had its flaws, so I definitely have some advice from a child's perspective. When she's young, it's really important for her to still see and live with both parents if possible - so joint custody. But she shouldn't be moving around too often in my opinion as she is likely to feel unsettled this way. There's lots of different custody plans you can find online, but I think 2 nights is the shortest amount she should ever spend in one house, and 5 the longest. Of course it's up to you though and you know your child much better than I do! I think the absolute most important thing though is not to get complacent with whatever arrangement you settle on. As your child grows older, whatever original custody arrangement you had is unlikely to still work for her, and I think it is so so important to make sure you review the custody arrangement at various points throughout her life, to make sure she is still happy with it. And you should endeavor to cater to her wishes if they are sensible and well thought out, no matter if one parent is hurt by that, for example if she later decides she just wants to live with one parent. I know all that custody stuff was probably pretty specific, but custody was the one thing I think my parents made a mistake on, in not being very open to changing the arrangement once I got older, so although that is a long way down the road for you even if you do get divorced I think it is really important to remember. Other than that, going with the assumption you will be in some kind of joint custody, I think it is important for you to live near to each other so she can still see her friends from both houses and so it's not too difficult for her to transport all her stuff between houses. This might be difficult if you are already having disagreements with your husband, but you should try to have similar rules in both houses - it's really unsettling to go from one house with one set of rules to another house with another set of rules, especially if you're doing this multiple times a week. Never badmouth the other parent in front of her, never try to present it as an us vs them kind of situation. Make sure she knows she is loved by both parents and that the only thing that has changed is how you feel towards each other, not how you feel towards her. Basically, try to keep her life as stable as possible, and make sure she is as involved in any decisions about her life as she wants and is able to be, depending on her age at the time. I think it is important to put her needs first, as although this is a tough situation for all of you this is something she never asked for, and therefore you should try to minimize the consequences for her as much as possible. Hope this helps.
I can jump in on this one! My ex husband and I have the best divorce possible. We made our divorce about the kids. We strove to make everything show that we cared so much about them. While many fight over who is going to pick up or drop off kids, we made a rule that whoever is getting the kids comes to pick them up. It shows them that their parents are interested in them and putting forth the effort to come get them, rather than always dropping them off and getting rid of them. We wanted them to have a "home", so I have sole custody, but we have very liberal visitation. It's written in the divorce that if a babysitter is needed, we will offer the other parent the chance first before someone else. If we need to trade weekends for an event, we do. My kids get picked up by my ex after school everyday and stay there until I get home from work, so they see both of us almost every day. Consequences and rules are made to exist the same at both homes, and we work together to carry them out. We communicate about every aspect of their lives. Who will tell them about Santa and how? Discussed. Is it okay to take them to a funeral? To Pride? Discussed. It really is ideal and it stems from us going through divorce counseling together and making a concerted effort.
(&&&) I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds like such a hostile environment. ---------- Post added 26th Jun 2016 at 04:40 PM ---------- It's a really tough situation to be in. I'm sorry you're having to face this decision. A MOM is incredibly hard, and especially if you're not feeling like being intimate with your wife anymore. It's the same with my husband, it's been so long since we've been intimate. ---------- Post added 26th Jun 2016 at 04:43 PM ---------- Thanks yuanzi. All of this is very helpful advice; we do tend to be fairly respectful towards each other, but some of what you mention, I think we have to be careful of on a smaller scale. I feel, for example, that it's hard for me not to reach out to my family for support. And even with the best of intentions, all of this can get very messy. It's important to be cognisant of how that can impact my daughter. ---------- Post added 26th Jun 2016 at 04:50 PM ---------- I find all of this to be really helpful advice but honestly it seems like some of it may be hard for us to achieve. And custody, as well as setting up a stable dual home environment, are areas that really worry me. So many practical factors make it hard for me to even guess what custody might look like. (Job options, our preferences for where to live given our different countries of origin, my husband's views on custody). I'm not sure how we would deal with this. I think this an issue we will need to put a lot of attention on if we do decide to separate. ---------- Post added 26th Jun 2016 at 04:52 PM ---------- Thank you so much Rosepetals! This is all really helpful insight. How did you manage to get to such a healthy, positive place together?
Barista, we went through marriage counseling and then divorce couseling together and the therapist told us to focus on the kids. To make sure we made sure they felt loved and respected on bother sides. I work in healthcare, and with kids at that, so I know the emotional impact even small decisions can have. That made it important for me to let go of petty things (like how much money he owed me, etc) and just focus on making the best life for them. In the end a dollar amount isn't worth my kids' mental anguish. "Winning" an argument isn't winning at all, if my kids suffered because of it. You know?
Thanks. It's not outright hostile because my partner can't really see that he's doing anything wrong, it's mostly delivered as jokes. So, I don't think he sees that same problems that I do. Day-to-day well get on OK. It could be much, much worse.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572242450/ref=cm_sw_r_taa_ymoCxb5E7XPR5 Rules for Divorcing Parents | Mediation Matters Ten Rules for Post Divorce Parenting Also, do your own emotional work. So many people just want to send the child to therapy to fix them, but the best gift you can give your kid is to do your own therapy or emotional work and also the tough work of coparenting well so that you can be fully present for your child and not working out conflict through your child.
