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Weird Feelings

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by YeahpIdk, Jun 26, 2016.

  1. YeahpIdk

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    So this AM, I go on Instagram and look at this person that I was friends with when I was little, like elementary school level. She's one of the girls I used to kiss and do things that were in the realm of 'sexual' with. I've always had one at every stage of life, hilariously enough, and is why when I fell for my trigger and had to look back at my happenings, it became awkwardly apparent that I was probably always queer/lesbian.

    Anyway! This girl and I are somehow still "friends." We grew apart when middle school hit, and she moved, and she'd always been a little snobby/snotty - which I wasn't and didn't admire in people, so I let us drift off even though I looked at her as a best friend. She actually keeps wanting to hang out with me lately and I avoid it because of my place in life compared to hers. She's like super on the way up in her career, lives on her own, and is with this guy I went to school with. I'm reeling from a chronic illness that seems to be healing up, been out of my industry for way too long, and am gay. So, so opposite. It really doesn't matter that we're so opposite, I don't need to hang or be friends with people who are exactly like me because that's boring, but she's just better than me (lol) right now and there's a big part of me that can't hide the gay thing with peers, and we know people mutually. Not that I care if any of them knew, but still...it just feels uncomfortable. That's not the 'weird feelings,' though.

    My weird feelings are that every time she posts a picture lately (she is incredibly beautiful), I feel a little...weird. Like, think things like, "I would totally date her/have sex with her/do this with her/do that with her." And now I'm looking back and wondering if I liked her. I guess the thing that freaked me out when looking at her a few minutes ago is that she's wearing something that shows a lot of skin and I can see her beauty marks, which made me think about how much I liked them when we were younger - and even though we were rather sexual (sexual for that age: kissing, rubbing, whatever), I never thought that I had a crush on her and wanted to be with her. I just liked secretly doing those things. So, yeah. Looking at her beauty marks in an, hmmm...sexy... kind of way, and thinking about how I felt that same way when I was younger just blew my mind for a moment.

    End.
     
  2. Katchoo

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    I dont think those childhood things are weird at all, and helping families understand childhood sexual behaviors is a big part of my job. There is a really big range of "normal" for that stuff, and it sounds like you were squarely in it.

    Looking back on our childhoods definitely feels weird, though. I mostly remember having crushes only on the most incredibly nerdy boys, to the point that even at the time that I knew they were objectively ugly. Wonder where they are now. Idk. I had really strong friendship attractions to other little girls, but I cant sort out what was sexual versus what was merely friendship, because I was too shy to initiate anything at all. I was such a follower and timid. I kind of wish there were behaviors to make it clear.
     
    #2 Katchoo, Jun 26, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 26, 2016
  3. RosePetals76

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    YeahpIdk, there is nothing weird about those feelings. I, too, look back and realize all the females I messed around with in somewhat sexual ways when I was young. I guess those things are why as I've slowly come out most family and friends have responded with "it's about time!"
     
  4. FalconBlueSky00

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    I was always the "boyfriend" whenever me and my grade school friends would play. I got lots of kisses, hugs, and pretend sent to the store a lot. For some reason we would practice kissing on Barbies everyone else got a Ken but they always handed my Barbie without asking. Sometimes I think about looking up the girls I used to play with, I really would like to know if at least one was LGBT as well.
     
  5. yuanzi

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    It was the opposite for me... I remember this girl from high school whom I thought was the most gorgeous person at the time. We were barely friends and I never 'explored' anything with her of course (never did it with any guy or gal). I might have had a crush on her but it was nothing as intense compared to my later crush on another girl. Anyway, I re-discovered this high school friend on social media a year ago and she posted tons of engagement pics with her soon-to-be husband. She was still very pretty but was no way as gorgeous as she was in my memory.

    I don't know what this means but in a way I am glad I don't find her that attractive anymore. Actually she probably looks the same or even better compared to HS but I have stopped putting people on pedestals...
     
  6. YeahpIdk

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    I had really strong friendship attraction to some girls. I was always really picky about friends, and when I had one, I didn't like anyone else being in our circle. I think that may be an only child issue, though. I definitely had crushes on guys, but was so much more comfortable to do things with girls - and it felt way more natural.

    I wish that would be the response when I say something! I feel like it won't be, though. People are mostly surprised or it's something really unexpected, and looking at my history, I'm almost wondering how it couldn't be more obvious. Probably because I had two serious boyfriends that were around my family -- I also think it's a presentation thing: being super femme. I don't know. Here's hoping to getting a few, "duh!"s.

    Haha, with this particular person, I was always the husband, too!! We'd play dress up and I'd put on one of my mom's suit tops -- she'd have high heels, and I'd "come home" and we'd jump into bed with each other. That's what coming home meant, sexy time, LOLOL. I'm curious to know if she's a little bi... she was a pillow princess all the way!

    I never had any real crushes on girls growing up. Nothing that I could say was a legitimate crush, but they may have been crushes in a way that I couldn't comprehend at the time.

    I don't have this girl up on a pedestal. I'm not romantically interested in her at all, thank goodness! She's just absolutely beautiful - always has been, and her mother's equally gorgeous, so she always will be. And her smooth skin with beauty marks made me feel some kind of way... and the fact that it was an old familiar feeling that was also really unfamiliar (yup, makes sense) was trippy as heck!
     
  7. RosePetals76

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    Haha, YeahpIdk, if two serious boyfriends is enough to convince them you're straight, they're noting like my family. Mine wasn't surprised about me being lesbian at all, and I was married to a man for 10 years!
     
  8. YeahpIdk

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    That made me laugh SO hard :roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

    No comparison there!