Thinking again about labels

I've been calling myself gay a lot lately. I sometimes say I'm gay, sometimes queer. I haven't really put a lot of thought into it, it just sort of comes out that way in conversation. I think I have fully come to a rejection of the label bi. Although I suppose it's ok to use that for convenience based on my being married to a dude. Truthfully though, it feels false.

Funny - I'm realising I don't use the term lesbian for myself, although I'm ok with that label I suppose.

I wonder if the term gay comes out in my interest in describing that part of my sexuality (ie referring to my feelings for women but not necessarily saying it reflects my overall sexuality), or if it's a reference to thinking deep down that 'gay' describes my overall sexuality best.

I don't really want to ruminate too much about this, I guess I'm just sort of fascinated with my ever changing label for me, and not even really sure what shapes that label. I still have not really been with a woman (that starts soon!), so this label evolution is sort of happening all without any of that kind of experiential insight.

I'm not really sure how to frame a question about this....but I'd really like to hear your thoughts on this. Do you guys have any insight?

And of course feel free to share your own questions/thoughts about your own label.

---------- Post added 26th Jun 2016 at 05:41 PM ----------

One additional thought - I feel warm inside when I use the term gay, the term queer also feels good, but I just feel a freedom and s feeling of comfort in using the term gay for myself.

I'm not sure how to explain why that is....is that like a sense of finding/accepting myself?

 

Rosepetals, I totally understand what you mean about how hard it was for you to get comfortable with the term lesbian. For a long time I always hedged when saying gay, queer, lesbian, maybe even bi. Using words/phrases like "like", "you know", "or something". And I would say the word itself in a protracted voice. ("I'm trying to understand whether I'm like -gay- or something"). But now it feels more natural.

In terms of the use of gay vs lesbian for me... I think I like the gender neutralness of the identifier gay for describing myself while it's clear that the object of my affection is women. I don't know if that makes sense. It's just sort of more comfortable to me for whatever reason.

---------- Post added 27th Jun 2016 at 12:20 AM ----------

I feel all kinds of warm and fuzzy at seeing this in writing. I really do feel happy identifying myself with the word gay. But, yet I suppose I'm still having trouble reconciling this label with my less than parallel life. I almost feel like I am jumping ahead of myself a bit (more of my brain speaking), even though I feel good about the label (more of my emotions speaking).

I also feel like there are two sides to the use of a label; articulating your identity for describing self; and communication with others about your identity.

For self I am sort of still comfortable with queer but feeling closer and closer to home with gay. There's still that nagging doubt of "but you haven't been with women". So I'm just kind of trying to smooth out those feelings at this point.

For talking to others, I'm feeling utterly unable to use words for me. I don't know that queer is a well understood term... Bi is not my preferred identifier... But saying gay reveals things I prefer not to with certain people - it says things about my relationship with my husband that I feel I don't want to advertise. It's a matter of privacy in some respect in terms of figuring out that relationship question before making it public knowledge. It's not shame, just simply privacy. If it weren't for that, I'm almost at a pint where I would gladly tattoo GAY on my forehead. (Although that sounds painful :lol

---------- Post added 27th Jun 2016 at 12:27 AM ----------

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Guys, I'm coming back to this thread soon...running into work!

 

Labels are so hard to pin down sometimes, aren't they? I really think it's all about what your heart feels, honestly, whom do you love/desire/want to be with? I say that, though, with some of my own hesitations in saying "I've found my label!" I feel like it feels good...is it s proper fit? Does it fully describe me? I don't know. But I'm trying not to let those questions keep me from following my feelings as well.

I suppose I have just a little time and experience ahead of me before I feel like my emotions make more sense to me.

---------- Post added 27th Jun 2016 at 05:34 AM ----------

Katchoo I totally agree on all of this; the idea that orientation and experience don't always match, and also the use of labels for simplicity.

I suppose though that I really can't think of one that fits the simplicity principle. I think on some level I need to let go of the need for simplicity though, because I'm not sure there is anything that will be an efficient and accurate label for me.

I do like the way the label gay makes me feel...that's all I know so far...

---------- Post added 27th Jun 2016 at 05:38 AM ----------

Adray, I love that you've got such a strong, secure sense of your identity. I wish I'd had such a grasp on mine as long as you have.

It is true that I could technically fit in the big bi umbrella. But it's also true as you say that something about my feelings and the bi label just don't seem to mesh.

---------- Post added 27th Jun 2016 at 05:42 AM ----------

I feel like my feelings are *almost* there. I'm still trying to let my feelings sort of guide me to the label. Maybe I won't feel fully clear and settled in this feeling until I've been with a few women. Once I reach that point of feeling settled though, I will be certain to follow your insight - keep reminding myself of the person whom I know I am and want to be.

---------- Post added 27th Jun 2016 at 05:45 AM ----------

I agree Rosepetals, gay and lesbian are certainly interchangeable for women. I just personally feel really warm and comfy calling myself gay.

 

Thanks Nyx. Labels are slippery little buggers, aren't they? I have used similar ways of describing myself too (somewhere between gay and straight). You will learn what fits you best. Some folks decide they don't want any label in the end. It's all so very personal.

---------- Post added 27th Jun 2016 at 09:39 AM ----------

That's a powerful sentence. What both you and OTH are saying in this thread is making me feel...a bit humbled, and moved. A part of me feels so drawn to this sentiment, but this is where I *almost* am. I'm almost ready to say, this is my destination.

I'm just thinking back as well to the day I came to EC, how lost and confused I was. And how my life now is moving towards something that's starting to feel very good and right.

That makes a lot of sense. I suppose I can 'code switch' as necessary.

Is queer well-understood even in the straight world? I'm just curious.

---------- Post added 27th Jun 2016 at 09:42 AM ----------

I think it makes sense to refer to yourself that way, it feels right to you.

I like that - you are under the gay umbrella. I was thinking at some point of saying "I'm one of the colours in the rainbow"

 

Sure, I understand. But if you like to use the term gay more loosely, that's up to you.

I think I'm just bad at articulating myself sometimes. I understand that you identify as pan.