I recently discovered EC and have found it very helpful in understanding myself and my past, but I still have a ways to go. I'm still coming to terms with my sexuality, and I've felt better over the last couple weeks. Now that I'm being more patient with myself, I have found that I am more comfortable with myself and labeling myself as a lesbian. My problem now is that I feel ashamed of my past. Before accepting my sexuality, I dated men and slept with men. I hated nearly every encounter. Sometimes I think I liked some of the cuddling and was turned on, but I remember feeling horrible most of the time and forcing myself to sleep with my ex-boyfriend. Now, I know I never ever want to be with a guy again and I've been much happier since I began to accept myself. I was also abused in the past, and I think a lot of my past experiences have been influenced by that. I just don't know how to let go of the past. Sometimes I don't feel like I am allowed to call myself a lesbian, though it feels right to me. How do I get rid of the shame I feel for having been with men? Also, I found this website for lesbians a while back, and I thought it would be a good place to communicate with other lesbians, but there are so many people on the site who hate bisexual women and say any women who've been with men can't be lesbians. This has made things a little confusing and made me question myself.
Hi! :smilewave I'm new here too, but I wanted to respond and tell you that you have nothing to be ashamed of. Having sex with men in the past doesn't mean that you are not a lesbian today. Besides the fact that you were still in the midst of discovering your true sexual orientation when you were with those men, sexuality is also fluid, so you can be a heterosexual today and ten years later BAM you're lesbian. Yes, there are some lesbians who are closed minded and don't like bisexuals but just like any other bigoted mentality it's their problem not yours. You just need to find the pretty ladies who are into girls no matter them being bisexual or having a past sex life with men. I'm wishing you the best.
I think that taking time to reconcile your past of trying to be either heterm or bi with your present is a very normal stage. I was in that one a few weeks ago, and it made me question so much about my entire adult life. I will tell you this, though. 1) Most lesbians are not "gold stars". We've been with men and realized it wasn't for us. 2) Your past is just that, the past. It's something to learn from, but it doesn't define you, and you likely gained something from those experiences. Another lesbian told me those exact things is what made me move past that stage. Before that I'd though accepting myself as a lesbian had undone the entire puzzle of my life and I had to start over. Now, I see that being a lesbian is only a few pieces of the puzzle. And I just have to fix that part. Things are getting better daily. I hope that helps.
Thank you both for your responses. I really appreciate it. This is exactly where I am right now. I keep going round and round with myself about every little detail of my past: who I was with, whether I enjoyed certain stuff or if it was built up in my head, questioning why I engaged in certain things... I'm trying to accept every part of myself, but I feel like I keep needing to hear people tell me it's okay. I will say that I am feeling much better than I did about a month ago when I finally admitted to myself that I was gay.
I'm with RosePetals, there are plenty of lesbian women out there who will accept you as you are and you don't have to be ashamed of anything you've done. I get very worried about these things too but I honestly think there are a lot of good women out there. I can sympathize because I keep thinking of one guy I dated and things I did with him that even at the time I knew I didn't really want to do. For me I think I am probably bi so maybe it's not about my orientation but I feel really bad when I think of him.
I've been going through this recently too. I understand how confusing it can be, and analysing every little thing to see how much I enjoyed, or whether I just felt that I should enjoy it. As you mentioned in your first post, enjoying cuddling confused me and being interested in sex when it was new. I can relate to what you're saying about feeling ashamed too. The amount of times I went into another room to cry after sex with my partner because it just wasn't right, and hating some of the things we did together. You're not alone, and I'm glad to hear you're starting to feel better.
I'm sure everything you did in your past was for the right reasons and you shouldn't really worry too much about having a 'straight' past. Its pretty normal, especially on this forum. The comment about sexuality being fluid is right, especially for females, however it seems as if you didnt enjoy your experiences, rather, you wanted to enjoy them as that would make you straight. Again there is nothing wrong with this, after all our heteronormative society almost programs us that there is nothing other than men and women being together, and that same sex love and romance is 'abnormal'. Depending upon your friendship group and family (they may all be straight) it likely that you found it difficult to be different and did a lot of trying to fit in like i have done, that is live a straight life and keep all gays things as far away as possible from me. it's also ok to enjoy the cuddling (after cuddling from either sex is nice) and also being turned on a times as many gay people seem to report being turned on by the opposite sex at times.
I can relate to this so much. I often felt that I had to prove I was straight. Really insightful post, Justasking.
This applies 100%. I didn't grow up in a great environment, I'm the only mixed race kid in my family, and I was homeschooled from sixth grade on. I'm thinking all those things, plus the sexual abuse attributed to me denying that I was gay and struggling so hard to fit in. Thank you for your replies. This site is really helping me. I realized today that I've only been out to myself as a lesbian for two months. I still have a long way to go.
