So I think I've accepted my being Queer, but I am still having trouble because I feel like it goes back and forth. It's just kind of like a war going on in my head, polar opposite feelings. It is making things so difficult. I get so stuck. I go from being Lesbian or Bisexual to just plain "I'm not gay!", but never straight. I don't feel comfortable even momentarily calling myself straight even on my worst, most doubt filled days. This kind of makes me happy at least I know I have made it somewhere, farther than before when I denied liking women at all. On my best days: I am like, "It's okay, if I fall in love with a woman it is okay. I think women are so gorgeous, I would like to be with a woman. Maybe I will take some steps to move forward and date a woman." On my worst days: I am like, "FUCK I can't be a lesbian, it is so weird! Lesbians are weird, it would make things so hard for me. I can be with a man, maybe I will meet a great guy soon. I am totally making this up! I am not into women! I am just making this up to make myself feel better for not having a boyfriend!." I don't know. I've never even been kissed by a boy or girl. I feel like if I start dating at least one or both genders I can figure this out real quick, but I am scared. I don't really know how that works hence me being single for so long. I am just not sure how to meet someone. I seek genuine and deep interactions, I won't even be friends with someone if I don't feel an honest and true connection. It is hard for someone like me to just start dating random people. I don't really know what to do. Did/Do any of you struggle with the whole back and forth thing? Does this mean I am getting closer? Like it gets worse before it gets better? Is this like the final battle in my head before I finally reach the end? Or am I just kind of stuck here and need to navigate through these boulders in my way? It is so hard I feel like i am holding on to a lot of self hatred. I love LGBTQ+ people, but thinking of myself as one is just strange and difficult to accept. It is easier for me to say and accept I like women rather than saying and accept I am queer, but then I don't want anyone to know I like women. UGH I HATE that I HATE myself and I don't even know why.
I struggle with this daily. Sometimes I even think I am straight even though it seems really obvious that I'm not. The truth is I'm pretty sure I'm bi but I am having a lot of trouble accepting that. At this point I think I'd accept being a lesbian better than I am accepting being bi. (Not that I think it's easier.) So it would be easy for me to tell you to go with the flow and not worry about labels, but I'd be a big hypocrite if I did. I think you are making progress though. I hear you about the connection too. I don't think I could just date a random person either, though it seems to work for some people. But hating yourself is really rough. People internalize homophobia and it's really hard to get rid of. I hope as you accept yourself more it will ease up.
I'm bi and have known so for 30 years. It's pretty constant, so I don't doubt it. But it is still really, really hard coming out. Even when I've been a big LGBT supporter, etc., it's still hard. For me, it's the fear of rejection. I know I'll perhaps lose relationships as I come out, and it's natural to fear that. So far, I've had one friend leave my life (he was a sound guy for my band) - not a close friend, but still no fun. I've also had a couple of friendships get closer and better now that I'm out to them. I don't know if that helps at all, just sharing my experience. If you can learn more about your personal sexual orientation, it can help with the acceptance. I know that's not easy for everyone. Regarding dating, I'd suggest making friends with similar interests (like my music, or perhaps book clubs, afterwork sports, hobby crafts, etc.). Hang out with folks you share an interest with, and if something sparks, you'll have a partner who shares at least one similar interest. You have time to figure it out, but do keep progressing if you can. Good luck!
Yes I can totally relate to the going back and forward a, it's part of the bargaining process I think. Trying to change a lifetime of thinking one way is difficult especially if you've been in denial.
I'm going to isolate this one, because it made me laugh. Let me tell you why... Just a few days after the first time I decided I was switching my label to lesbian, I went to a trivia night with friends and coworkers. My coworker brought her friend, another lesbian, who happened to sit by me. So, since I had just come out, some of my friends (mostly bi, but some straight) had been kind of picking on me via playful flirting, trying to look down my shirt, etc. They continued that at the trivia night. The seasoned lesbian sitting next to me looked at them doing this and said, "Lesbians are weird," as if she wasn't one. I had to stop and give her a funny look for that. Got a reply back, "seriously, we are." It made me laugh and brought in so uch humor while I was struggling through a rough patch. So, for you, Lesbians ARE weird. And it's perfectly okay and enjoyable.
RosePetals, your story made me smile. Badwolf, I can relate to whole back and forth thing. I can't tell you what it says about where you are, because everybody is different. I went back and forth every other day, which was very frustrating, so I understand why you want to know when it will end. For me, it calmed down after a couple months, and then I was only going back and forward every few days or so. At the moment, I feel it's really calmed down, and I'm just waiting for the next doubt to come along. :icon_bigg It got better for me, and I'm sure it will for you too in time. I think I was unconsciously taking every doubt and possible reason I could up with for not being queer, and dealing with them one at time. That makes it sound organised, but it wasn't!
I go back and forth and right now I am very back. I have experienced the same thing, when I first came here and said I was gay it felt like the most joyful liberating thing in the world. Now I am not so sure.
Thanks for sharing that story, made me feel a bit better, gave me a laugh. Yeahh now that I think about it I'm actually pretty weird myself so at least I'm in good company lol
badwolf22, I have no words of wisdom for you, but you are most definitely not alone in your feelings. For the past 6 months I've been trying to articulate these exact same thoughts, and reading your words is just so validating for me right now. For whatever it is worth, just knowing you and others are going through the same thing as me makes me feel less alone, and I hope does the same for you.
Thanks! that actually does make me feel really great and like less of a mess to know I'm not alone and what I wrote resonated with you.
