Like others on EC, as part of questioning my sexuality, I've been envisioning a deeper and more fulfilling connection with a same-sex partner. Whilst part of me does want this, another part of me is terrified at the prospect. When I think about the reality, I doubt that I have the ability to build such a connection. With my current (opposite sex) partner, I've always had this nagging voice telling me that I was never really that into him. This is hard to admit to myself, but I liked it that way. I suppose it always gave me an element of protection. That's not to say that my partner couldn't ever hurt me; we've been together for years, so there's loyalty, friendship, and shared experiences. However, throughout the majority of our relationship, I've probably been less invested in it than him, and he's always been the one driving our relationship forward. Another thing that I find hard to admit to myself, is that a large part of my attraction to him was just having a relationship, having a boyfriend. I can see that my personality has had a large part to play here; I don't like to be out of control. I've also always been very concerned about what other think of me, and to do the 'right' thing. I'm not sure if this is making sense, but I have such admiration and envy for people who live their life exactly how they want, without a care for what other people think, because I can't. My main concern, I suppose, is that I leave my current partner on the chance of finding a more fulfilling relationship, when I'm actually not capable of a deeper relationship anyway. I am happy that I've gained a better understanding of my own sexuality, but at times I lose the drive to act on it, and think that perhaps I'd be better off sticking where I am. Can anybody relate to this, or does anyone have similar concerns?
The title of you post I think says it all. In order to have a deep and meaningful connection in a relationship, you need to make yourself vulnerable. Being LGBT in a straight relationship, being in the closet, building an emotional wall and living behind that wall (at least this is how I describe it recognizing there are other more clinically correct terms), one is bound to limit themselves to being vulnerable; instead focusing on protecting yourself from your real emotions. Living this way, if misunderstood, can lead to a feeling of neglect in the relationship; when in fact, your the one causing the neglect by not being fully open and honest with yourself. From my experience, making yourself vulnerable in your relationship, as well as in life, is empowering. It builds confidence, it heals shame. It enables one to reach their full actualized self. Doing so in a relationship builds honesty, trust and a real bond. I have lived both sides of the coin. I have lived in a straight relationship and blamed my feelings of neglect on my ex spouse rather taking responsibility for myself. I have also been living the complete opposite. Today benefiting from being in a completely open and honest relationship with my same sex partner where I have made myself completely vulnerable. It takes courage to be vulnerable. When I do open up my emotions to my partner, I get a massive pit in my throat before doing so. It creates a high degree of anxiety in advance. However, once on the other side of making myself vulnerable, the rewards are enormous. The connection that I feel between myself and my partner gets that much more intense - the bond is profound. In turn, he reciprocates, he makes himself vulnerable. And as a result we grow together. This is what a relationship is supposed to be about, and vulnerability makes it happen. Its an ongoing journey being vulnerable. It should never end. Find it within you to make yourself vulnerable, regardless of the type of relationship you are in. Others on EC in straight relationships dealing with their own sexuality while in their relationship whom have made themselves vulnerable have benefitted as well, read some of their stories as how it helped them - even if they did not realize that what they were doing was making themselves vulnerable (this is a callout to you baristajedi ). Vulnerability is empowering. I am a real believer.
Thanks for your reply. That's really helpful. I suppose I did answer my own concerns in the title of my thread. :icon_bigg I really don't feel comfortable with idea of discussing my sexuality with my current partner yet. To be honest, I'd rather just end the relationship and then let him find out in his own time, but I do know that wouldn't be the best way to handle it.
That thought certainly crossed my mind as well; and while it did sting when I decided to just come directly out with it, I found a tremendous amount of weight lifted off my shoulder by doing so. It was definitely the start of being authentic.
Thanks, I will definitely keep that in mind. I've been reading posts on here for a few months now, I don't think I've come across anyone who's taken that approach.
OTH- So much if your first post resonated with me, I was reading through it getting ready to cut/paste it for myself to come back to and reread now and again. Then I saw you shout out to me It means a lot to see you say that I have been making good steps to be vulnerable and grow. Notmyname- I've had s lot of these same feelings that you're voicing here. What OTH says in this thread is so true. You need to take risks and be vulnerable in order to grow. This doesn't have to come in the form of making a giant leap. Much of it can include baby steps. I feel like I've learned the most about myself and gained the most confidence by pushing myself to take a baby step and then another and then another. Much of this was at the encouragement of many on here (including OTH ) to get out of my head and out in the world, taking action. Can you think of some incremental steps that you are afraid to take? Something that might have a rewarding goal, such as building community, acknowledging or exploring your feelings for women, etc? One of my first steps was to push myself to make eye contact with women I found attractive. Another step was to find an LGBT meetup to attend. Can you think of incremental goals you can set for yourself?
Thank you. That's a great suggestion. I can think of a few possible goals, but nothing that I'd be prepared to do in the short-term. I'll give it some further thought and see what I can come up with.
It always helps me to make lists. It helps me sort my thoughts and also to keep myself accountable. The goals you have in mind - I suggest writing them down and then looking at how you can break them into smaller steps. Example: goal- go to an LGBT meetup. This can seem huge and insurmountable in itself. So, smaller steps include 1) tomorrow I will google all the LGBT meetups in my area. 2)by the end of the week I will narrow down my preferences for which meetups I might want to attend, to say 2. 3) next week I will pencil in times I can get out to one of those meetups. 4) i will go to the meetup, even if I don't go in, I will go to the door. 5) evaluate...how did it go? This might not be a goal that works for you, but keep in mind that all of those steps take a certain level of courage and motivation. I hope that helps a bit.
That is helpful, thank you. I like the idea of breaking steps down into smaller steps. I'm not comfortable with idea of going to a LGBT meetup yet, as my partner doesn't know anything about my questioning. Also, I'm not confident with groups of people that I don't know.
Small things like this, I hadn't really considered. So, I'll have a think along these lines. I'd like to work a bit more on my own acceptance of my attraction towards women. It's difficult to explain, but I can acknowledge to myself (and on EC) that I do have an attraction to women, but I have difficulty in seeing that as something that will be incorporated into my life. I think because I know I can't actually do anything about it for several months, possibly longer, then I know that I don't have to face the reality just yet. That's not to say I'm not looking forward to it though, because I'm happy that things are progressing. I suppose, at the moment, I've got a better understanding of myself, but I'm still safe within a heterosexual relationship.
This (making eye contact) was one of the things I did to help me work on my acceptance of my attraction to women. This was broken up into smaller steps too. 1- when I see a pretty woman, and I notice that she's pretty, rather than automatically come up with a reason to push the thought away, think to myself 'she is so beautiful, I find her really attractive'. 2 - next time i see a pretty woman, picture her in my mind for a few moments after noticing that she is pretty. Allow myself to see her without pushing the thought away. 3 - next time I see a pretty woman, think to myself about what it is I found attractive. She had lovely eyes, beautiful smile...and if you're bold enough let yourself think about things like "she has beautiful breasts", "her curves are so sexy". These are natural thoughts! They are completely natural, and you are natural for noticing them. There is nothing wrong in seeing those things and enjoying that. 4 - next time i see a pretty woman, let myself enjoy thinking about her. You might even have to say it in your head to encourage yourself "I really enjoyed seeing her, I like seeing beautiful women". 5 - (this may seem unconnected to you, but for me it was an important step) when I'm at home, alone, if I'm looking at women online, look at women whose faces I recognise. It's ok to fantasise about Angelina Jolie or Scarlett Johannsen for example. Maybe this isn't an issue for you, but part of the way my shame manifested was that, while I was constantly fantasising about women, I felt deeply ashamed if I was doing so about a woman whose face was recognisable. 6 - when I see a pretty woman, smile. Try to smile at her, but if this doesn't come with eye contact, it's ok. 7 - next time I see a pretty woman, make eye contact This kind of gives you a sense of my personal demons I had to battle. Maybe yours are different. But it took me many steps to get to the point of making eye contact with a beautiful woman.
Thanks for such a detailed reply, that's really helpful. I can sort of relate to no. 5, though for me it's a little bit different. I completely understand feeling different about fantasising about a recognisable woman, compared to an anonymous woman. I also get a feeling of unworthiness, like the woman in question would be disgusted if they knew I was thinking about them in that way, and that it's very much a one way street. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but that's how I would describe it.
It makes sense. That's your shame talking. It's important to recognise those bits and pieces because it helps you to chip away at the shame. And to circle back...the best way to combat shame is through vulnerability. Practically speaking, that means taking risks and taking actions that feel scary and challenging. The confidence you build will help you move forward.
Thank you. This has been hugely helpful. I've got a much better idea of how to progress now, and I will refer back your steps when breaking down my own goals.
Always happy to help I'll be happy to hear how you're progressing as you start making steps to move forward.
