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The Person I would Become

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by OnTheHighway, Jun 27, 2016.

  1. OnTheHighway

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    So, I finally got around to reading Alan Downs, The Velvet Rage. Like others, I was amazed at how spot on the book was in relation to the journey I have been on. Rather than use the book as a guide reading at the front end of my journey, I seem to have used it as a place marker, identifying where I am in my journey today in comparison to stages reflected in the book. I would love to say I am well entrenched in stage three; and I certainly feel that I am living my life authentically now. However, continuing to do so, as the book suggests, does require ongoing skills supporting such an authentic life.

    One such skill reflected, which has been a pillar of helping achieve my goal of being authentic, and which I relate to deeply, is the notion of making important decisions by asking "What would the [person] man I wish to become do in this situation?"

    This is a very important concept and a question that I asked myself when I embarked on my journey as well as a question I continue to ask myself regularly when confronted with a major decision.

    All relationships require work, including the relationships we have with ourselves. In conjunction with making ourselves vulnerable (as discussed in other threads), thinking about whom we want to become and directing yourself to become that person serves to enhance each of our ability to become authentic and live that way.

    When I finally accepted myself for whom I am, I asked myself this exact question. When I needed to make decisions about my former marriage, I asked myself this exact question. When I needed to make decisions on my career, I asked myself this exact question. When my current partner and I go through the typical ups and downs that any healthy relationship typically go through, I ask myself this exact question.

    And in all of the above scenarios, the answer I gave myself have driven the decisions I made and have guided me on my journey.

    Why didn't I learn this skill when I was five years old? :lol:

    It was really refreshing to read about this skill which I had already incorporated into my life in the book. I can take that as a positive sign that I seem be going in the right direction. Now, about some of the other skills.........
     
    #1 OnTheHighway, Jun 27, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2016
  2. baristajedi

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    This is a really great insight that I'd love to incorporate into my own journey.

    Thanks so much for sharing this.

    I wonder if there is a female version of The Velvet Rage? I have been looking for something to read that can be helpful along my journey.
     
  3. thrashgal

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    this
     
  4. OnTheHighway

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    Been reflecting again on the notion go becoming the person I want to become, while also considering the various stages on the journey. The final stage, of coming to resolution with shame, is an ongoing process and one that lasts indefinitely (having discussed this previously).

    The shame storms are gone, the internalized homophobia seems to be in check, yet there will always be subconsciously some shame that exists. It makes itself apparent in obscure ways. I can go weeks without noticing or being concerned. Then old bad habits come back that I thought had been long resolved.

    This is when I consciously refocus on the concept of "What would the [person] man I wish to become do in this situation?". I need to almost say it out loud. Sleep on it. And say it again. This helps pacify the old habits and shame.

    And then I move on.
     
  5. Katchoo

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    Wow, this book sounds great. I haven't read it because I have always had the impression that is "for" gay men exclusively, but it sounds like I would benefit from reading it. Lol, thinking something is "for" one gender doesn't fit with my feminism anyway. Legos and Velvet Rage for everyone!
     
  6. nbd

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    Legos for everyone is my mantra as a parent! Love it :slight_smile:

    Now if only I could gather the courage to pick up a book from the bookstore or library instead of just hovering in the section for a second before moving on like a coward. Certainly not acting like the person I would become.

    Thank God for the internet.
     
  7. Katchoo

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    This is why Amazon exists. And the Internet, generally. If it's embarrassing, you can buy it on the Internet.

    Im glad someone else loves legos. :slight_smile:
     
  8. HappyGirlLucky

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    Wait, Lego are supposed to be gendered? :confused: Everyone I know loves them! Is it because they are colorful or something that guys aren't supposed to play with them? :lol:
     
  9. nbd

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    Yeah...I know I can Amazon it, I'm just cheap and want to browse!

    Everyone loves Legos :slight_smile: :slight_smile:
     
  10. SiennaFire

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    The Velvet Rage is very focused on gay men and culture. I highly recommend buying a copy if you are a gay man. It's not 100% applicable to lesbians, though it might be worth reading if you can find a copy at your library.

    ---------- Post added 22nd Sep 2016 at 09:32 AM ----------

    In order to become the person that you would become, you need to learn to push yourself to do things outside of your comfort zone.
     
  11. greatwhale

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    I love Legos (except at night, in the dark, when they are scattered all over the floor and I'm barefoot)!

    Values and comfort zones...there is a link.

    Getting out of our comfort zones is indeed very good advice, provided one suffers (suffering is part of it, most likely) for a good reason. In other words, if one suffers for something that doesn't matter, the suffering is pointless. On the other hand, if one suffers for the sake of something we value, some principle we adhere to, some "why" (as in becoming the person we value) that would have us endure any "how", then we can transcend suffering to gain meaning...not a bad deal.

    Here is an excellent article from Umair Haque on properly getting out of comfort zones.
     
    #11 greatwhale, Sep 22, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2016
  12. brainwashed

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    Bingo. Becoming aware of past habits is paramount to going forward. Although I didn't think I was a creature of habits, I am. I have recognized many micro habits within me. Many dating back to when I was 14.

    ---------- Post added 22nd Sep 2016 at 08:34 AM ----------

    Bingo again. If you are a person who does not push yourself, you stand a chance of not growing.
     
  13. Landgirl

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    Thank you for posting this link. I've just read the article and it is very thought provoking.
     
  14. QuestionMark99

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    I wonder if I should read TVR myself... I will be honest in saying that throughout my Internet travels when the title comes up I've always thought "get that self-help shit away from me".... but I feel like I'm at a point now where self-help is as good as any. No doubt, I'm seriously struggling and don't quite know how to deal with it. Is it a worthwhile read for someone not publicly out?
     
  15. OnTheHighway

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    It took me a few years after coming out before I finally read it, and on reflection I wish I would have sooner. It may not all be relevant to you, but a good portion probably is and may really help at least set a direction, if nothing else.
     
  16. SiennaFire

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    Get the book now!!!!