Hello All. It's been a while since I posted, but I'm moving along in my journey. Short recap of my story.....43 married, two kids, definitely lesbian. I came out to my husband in December, and we've been moving at an agonizingly slow pace toward divorce. For me, I have sadness at the pain I am causing him, and grief over the loss of our marriage, but I can't describe the feeling of freedom I also feel at having finally embraced who I am. My husband is having a very hard time believing that I went from 20+ years of a sexual relationship (that he has convinced himself that I was totally into...I wasn't, btw) to my having zero attraction to him in that way. Once I accepted myself, I lost all pretense that I was attracted to men. I didn't hate sex with him, but I could have easily done without it. Now, I cannot bring myself to even think about it. I know I won't ever be with a man again. I don't have the heart to tell him that for the majority of our life together, I was "psyching myself up" just to have sex with him. I don't see any upside to sharing that information with him, so I just keep quiet. The discussions with him usually include statements like "you're just saying you're a lesbian to explain away your emotional baggage." "Women's sexuality is fluid, so just because you think you are attracted to women, doesn't mean you are a lesbian and can't still be with me." Every time he says these kinds of things, I want to yell out that he wasn't in my head for the last 30 years, because if he was he would totally understand why I KNOW I'm a lesbian and always have been. Anyway, I guess I just needed to vent and hear from others that have gone through this that you've had a similar experience. He doesn't make me second guess my sexuality, but he makes me feel like I am the only person who ever had mediocre at best hetero sex and after accepting myself is not able or interested in it ever again. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter, because I will be in my own place in the next few months. I just feel like I am being constantly invalidated, and I just need a little help to get through until I am in my own place and can process through this a little more. Thanks....
Hi, I'm fairly new so I've not read any of your earlier posts, but sorry to hear you're going through this. It doesn't sound like a nice environment to be in. I've not told my partner yet, but I can relate to this and I can understand why you don't want to tell him everything. It doesn't sound like he'd necessarily believe you anyway. You're not the only person to ever feel like this. That's good. Do you think your husband has accepted that you're actually going? Do you think he might be expecting you change your mind? I'm sure somebody will along with some good advice soon.
Oh, Bec, you are not the only one to have those feelings. I was in a hetero marriage for 10 years, and had all the same feelings. I didn't accept myself as a lesbian until after my divorce, though. I'm sorry that he doesn't accept it or validate your feelings. Thankfully, my ex uses me being a lesbian to explain why sex was so bad in our marriage and so infrequent. It seemed to make him feel better. In fact, we are so much better and more friendly divorced. Hopefully, yours will move onto this place as well and you 2 can find peace. Just know you're not alone in your feelings. I came here to see if I was crazy for coming out after hetero marriage, kids, etc, and I'm so glad I did. I've come so far in just a few months.
Bec, I'm going through a lot of this with my own husband. It's really a tough spot to be in. On one hand, I don't want to hurt his feelings by saying "i was never in love with you and sex wasn't that fulfilling", but on the other hand I want him to understand my truth. My husband also tries to explain away my sexuality and to regale me with stories from our time together to remind me how meaningful our relationship is. It's heart wrenching. One thing to keep in mind, you have an end goal. You've picked a date to move out, and you are moving forward. Try to keep that goal in mind and remind yourself that healing will soon begin for both of you. Another thought- are you/he going to counselling? Couples counselling is offered for couples going through a divorce. Perhaps you'd both benefit from a supportive space where you can talk through the pain of the split.
You are most definitely not alone. I'm 42 and I have two kids. The only real difference that I can see is that my husband thinks I am bisexual and has thought that since before we were married. I'm not. Your description of your sex life with your husband is painfully familiar. Be glad you're moving toward a solution. Be glad you are strong enough to be yourself. I know it is hard for you and for him, but imagine the pain for both of you if you chose to stay. I am on an impossibly hard path; long, painful, unsettled, and sorrowful. Your honesty with yourself and your husband, and your willingness to make a change, will make your path shorter, less painful, more settled, and less sorrowful. Take heart that you are not alone. Take heart that in the long run your path will lead to more happiness for all of you.
Do you/he know about the Straight Spouse Network? They might be able to help him understand the situation better.
