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How to question/experiment while married?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Jjanon, Jun 28, 2016.

  1. Jjanon

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    So I'm just staring listening to feelings about being trans that I think have been around for a long time and I don't know how to go about it. I have hid my desires and fascination from my wife for a decade of marriage, but it seemed like a harmless little thing. Now it feels bigger. I think I want to try some things to help me figure out what's going on in my head but now it feels like I need to go into a whole new realm of lying and deceit to even do that. I've made an appointment to see a counselor, but I'm not even sure how to pay for it without my wife finding out. I feel like this has the potential to kill my marriage if I tell her but don't want to do that unless I'm sure about myself. But don't feel I can be sure of myself without doing something.

    Total catch 22...how have others dealt with that? Just up my lying game?
     
  2. baristajedi

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    Hi Jjanon,

    I'm not in the same position as you in terms of gender questioning, but your story reminds me so much of my own in terms of the catch 22. I'm my case it was how can I be sure I'll find greater happiness with a woman unless I actually try being intimate with a woman but how can I be intimate with a woman while married.

    In your case, I'm not sure on specific advice I can give, but I can try.

    As far as counselling is concerned, would you feel comfortable telling your wife you have some issues you need to work through with a counsellor but you're just not ready to talk about it with her right now? That way you're not hiding the counselling but you can still wait to open up about your identity.

    Are there other things you can do that will let you take small steps to explore your gender identity?

    It might help you to build a social support system, perhaps through your local LGBT centre.

    Can you try bringing up some general thoughts about being trans* with your wife, without revealing your own questioning? Just to sort of gently start the conversation and to feel out her reactions.

    These are just a few small things to start with. I hope that helps a little.
     
    #2 baristajedi, Jun 28, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2016
  3. Jjanon

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    Baristajedi - I have thought about the counseling angle. I have sought treatment for other issues before, my only concern is my wife is very inquisitive. I don't think "I'm not ready to tak about it" would be left alone, though that is probably the easiest path for that.

    I tried going on to an LGBT center here and hyperventilated outside the doors and couldn't make myself go in. I will try again.

    Trying to go any further (clothes, makeup, anything) feels like a larger betrayal to me. Before it was just thoughts, now I'm thinking about deliberate actions.

    Thank you for the input. I know the situation is different but there are commonalities. It's nice to have the support.
     
  4. baristajedi

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    I understand about your wife being very inquisitive, and that's a tough one. Perhaps she will find comfort if you tell her that the counselling will help you open up more to her, but you need some time.

    I also understand how daunting it is to go to an LGBT centre, or to other places where you can build social support. You've made s big step by getting to the door. That's huge. Be proud. At my centre, everyone is so supportive and welcoming. And from the trans* individuals I've met, several have said its been an invaluable safe space where they feel they can dress and express themselves in their gender identity and have been able to be themselves.

    So - if you are considering buying clothes and makeup, that's an excellent place to try out being you in public. And in general, the LGBT centre in my experience, is sch a source of support. Most people there are struggling through their own journeys. So I hope you do keep trying.

    I know you said it feels like a betrayal buying/wearing clothes and makeuo, but I just want to say, you're trying to grow and explore who you are. Follow your instincts. If you feel that you need to move forward in that way before telling your wife, perhaps it is beneficial to go ahead and take those steps.

    Do you think that your wife will be supportive?

    Big hugs (*hug*) you're going to get through this, as long as you keep working through this one step at a time.
     
  5. Jjanon

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    Thar sure is the question isn't it? I don't know. My wife and I are both very liberal and very supportive of LGBT rights, attended pride events, gay friends etc. But supporting dignity for everyone is (somewhat) easy in the abstract. It feels different when it's you. And I'm sure it feels different when it's your spouse.

    My wife is a beautiful, loving, kind woman. I don't fear that she would shun me right off - that just isn't who she is as a person. But would she be able to deal with her husband, whom she has dated since she was 15, and been married to for 10 years, grown up with, had three kids with and built a life with, now all of the suddenly changes? I'm not so sure.

    I'm terrified that this is the end of my marriage. I feel like best case scenario she is okay with this as a supportive friend. That still might kill me. And her.
     
  6. baristajedi

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    I totally understand this fear. And it's hard to say how your wife will feel. But I think it's best to try not to think too far ahead. Right now it's important to gain clarity and confidence in who you are. The stronger you feel in yourself and the better you know your needs the more equipped you will be to deal with whatever happens in your marriage.

    Take deep breaths. Do this one step at a time. And with your wife you can unfold this slowly and make it easier for both of you to process this. But right now focus on you. This is something you've not felt comfortable to deal with for years, for most of your life. It's time now to work on loving you.

    (*hug*)
     
  7. Nickw

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    Hi

    Barista is giving you excellent advice. You should know how you feel before coming out to your wife or it might be very confusing for her.

    I almost cheated with a man a few months back and got into counseling. After a few sessions using my "mad money" I decided I had to tell her I was in therapy. She was very good and didn't question. Just asked me to tell her about why later. She indicated recently that it did freak her out a bit because she was worried. But, the therapy was badly needed and gave me tools I needed. It was worth the risk.

    Cheating or lying is another issue. Some of us need to explore to really understand. It depends on the person. I am a terrible liar. I am good at the deception (hell I was a closeted bisexual for 30 years), but, it takes a terrible toll on me. Just building up to considering a hookup and researching it and all that made me very guarded, anxious, and angry at my wife. My personality changes were harder on my wife than the cheating would have been. She was relieved when I finally told her what I was up to.

    You will have to decide, with the help of therapy, if you need to explore to understand your sexuality and gender issues without letting your wife know. But, there is risk that it will make it more difficult to have that conversation when it, eventually, comes up. And, it probably will from what you have written.

    Right now, I am in a mixed orientation marriage. My wife and I are in the process of understanding what that means and how WE can satisfy my gay needs within the marriage. But, we are older (mid-fifties) and my wife's needs in our relationship may be different than your wife's. Eventually, the two of you will have that conversation.

    This forum may have saved my marriage. It is an excellent sounding board. Please continue to post. Best to you.
     
  8. Jjanon

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    Thanks for the support. I met with a counselor today and after a really hard cry I think I'm on the road to accepting that this isn't just some passing thought that I can ignore (I think I am beyond a "passing thought" after 20 something years.

    After talking through some things I pretty well decided that I can't really do anything beyond some thinking without talking to my wife. I think this is who I am and I don't think that will change and so if I talk to her now or wait the outcome will be what the outcome is. I am still terrified about talking to her about this - it still feels like she will react poorly. But my counselor said something interesting in that this isn't something personal to her, and hopefully I can convey that when the time comes. I'm not sharing this to hurt her and conversely I was only trying to be what I thought society wanted me to be. I played the hand that I was given well (I don't think she suspects a thing and I think that I will completely blindside her with this) but it's time to try to be who I am inside.

    Wish me luck. I don't know how or when this will happen but I think it has to happen.