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My therapist wants me to try dating sites...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by womaninamber, Jun 28, 2016.

  1. womaninamber

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    Well, I brought it up first. I tried one site and sent a bunch of messages. Then I realized I hadn't looked at my profile in a while and it really overemphasized my geeky interests, so I took some of that stuff out. I should have done that before I send the messages out, but if I've lost the love of my life because she doesn't want to date anyone who played Silent Hill then I'm just going to have to live with that. I sent out some messages after I changed it too. I said in my profile that I'm also interested in hearing from women who want to be friends even if they don't want to date me.

    I had a brief conversation with one woman (who was also looking for friends) and she did seem like a nice person but it wasn't such a great conversation. I'd still be willing to talk to her again but that's really not going to happen. I think that will be the last time I hear from anyone. I'm not trying to put myself down. That's just the luck I've generally had with dating sites.

    I've tried other sites but I really don't like to spend a lot of money on dating sites when I never hear back from anyone.

    I talked to my therapist about how I don't like being bisexual or admitting that I am bisexual and she asked why I need to "label myself." I said that if you go on dating sites they want you to label yourself. She doesn't really understand LGBT issues very well but my insurance covers the therapy so it would pretty hard to change therapists unless I want to pay a lot of money out of pocket.

    Anyway that is how my day went. The dating site thing isn't bothering me so much right now but when I check my messages later tonight and there aren't any I'm probably going to have a hard time dealing with it.
     
  2. yuanzi

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    Don't be sad if no one replies right away. One of my friends found her current bf on a dating site but she went out with at least 10 different guys before that and none worked out....

    Don't be too worried about your profile. Yes there are always a few profiles that look so amazing you wonder why they need to use a dating site. But most profiles I came across were normal people. Just make sure they are willing to meet up in person asap once you start messaging back and forth.

    That being said I was using these sites for a while and had no success at all. I guess I am not the best person to give advice on this one :slight_smile:
     
  3. RosePetals76

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    Don't worry about not getting messages back. I probably get 1 response for every 20 messages I send. That's made for exactly 2 people I've gone on dates with. The first one I dated for a few months and she really helped me come out. The second I'm having a 4th date with tonight. :slight_smile: Just keep trying, and know you have friends on here if none of them are responding.
     
  4. womaninamber

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    Thank you. It means a lot to me to know I have friends on here. It's just hard, because I already have problems with my self-esteem and when I send out all these messages and no one even wants to say hello I feel horrible.

    I feel like I will never really fit in with the LGBT community because I will never really be with a woman. I do know LGBT people but none of them know about that and I'm afraid they are not going to like me very much if they find out, especially if they find out I'm bisexual.

    But I do really appreciate the support I get here.
     
  5. HappyGirlLucky

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    What kind of messages did you send out? Did it include something from their profile? Did it invite them to talk about themselves? Do they convey your personality? I am someone who likes to joke around a lot, so when I tried a dating site a few days ago I joked or lightly teased them about something on their page. Do not make the messages too long; if it doesn't fit on Twitter it is too long.

    If you want others to send you messages, it is important to put something easy to talk about on your page. Something unusual, because unlike men, women actually read the profiles and have seen all the usual boring stuff. Ask them to talk about themselves with something quirky, like which hand they clip their nails on first. Another favorite of mine is asking if someone can explain to me the purpose of rubber duckies. Just come up with something that matches your personality, something that you think is funny. :slight_smile: Feel free to steal mine if you want.

    Also do not expect an inbox full of messages. Unfortunately a ton of women expect to be approached by other women and will never make the first move, others are too shy to message first and on top of this there are only so many queer ladies out there.

    So you did a great job actually sending out messages! Keep doing it, the more the merrier. When you do send them out though, it is important to not have any expectations at all. My only hope is that my message makes them smile or laugh, if they message me back then that is great. I was basically on there to have fun, and I met some really interesting women and had some good conversations. Found some I would definitely date, it's just too bad they are all 100+ miles from me because I live in the middle of nowhere! :lol:

    Message women who you aren't sure you would like, the ones you would ignore if you could have your pick. These are often the ones that make for the most interesting conversations.

    Just random unsolicited advice, hope you don't mind. :slight_smile:

    Edited to add: A lot of people on dating sites are not good at conversing over text. If I had the option to I would immediately go out for coffee and talk in the real world, but not possible with the distance for me. Some people just respond to your questions but don't ask any back and seem totally uninterested, but most of them just don't know how to talk online. Don't take that personally.

    P.S. I love geeky interests. Too much of a wimp to play Silent Hill myself, but I totally love watching others play horror games and helping while hiding behind them. :icon_roll
     
    #5 HappyGirlLucky, Jun 29, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 29, 2016
  6. womaninamber

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    I do always mention something from their profile, and I think my messages do convey my personality. I usually don't try to be funny because I'm not at best being funny with strangers. I think maybe my messages have been too long though.

    That's a good idea to put something quirky in the profile so I will have to think about it.

    I do message women I'm not sure I would like. I mean maybe I would like them and I just can't tell from the profile.

    I wasn't expecting an inbox full of messages exactly but only getting one and that one being a brief conversation was pretty discouraging. And I think I've heard from a woman I didn't message first only one time years ago, so I try not to expect that either. It's hard though. I mean I have a horrible self esteem and always feel nobody really wants to be around me and this kind of proves it. (I know, I know, I have to love myself first but if I wait until I love myself first I will never do anything.)

    I am kind of a wimp myself. I slept with the lights on for two weeks when I was playing Silent Hill 2.

    Edited to add: I do appreciate the advice. Thank you.
     
    #6 womaninamber, Jun 29, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 29, 2016
  7. HappyGirlLucky

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    I did not mean to come across as if I thought you were expecting too many messages or anything like that, sorry about that! All I meant with that is that even if you have the perfect profile, a lot of women still will not message you first so don't beat yourself up if it doesn't happen ever. It doesn't have anything to do with you, it's just how people are. :slight_smile:

    You seem to be doing all the right things. If you are not good at being funny with strangers then that is who you are, so don't worry about that. It was just an example of how I do it, because it is who I am and they might as well find out I am a weirdo right from the start. :icon_wink

    Is there any way you can change how you take the perceived rejection when people don't respond? Remember that there are a ton of reasons people might do that, some are too shy and/or think you are "out of their league" (yes, this happens). Some have random superficial preferences that you just don't fit (height, weight, hair/eye color etc) and it has nothing to do with you as a person. Some are not actually ready to date, but want to test the waters a bit. People have a lot of reasons to not respond that have nothing to do with who you are. :slight_smile:

    If you didn't live some 5500 miles away I would totally hang out with you and watch you play Silent Hill and then not sleep for a week. :lol:
     
  8. womaninamber

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    Oh no, it's OK, I didn't think you were assuming anything about me.

    I will try to remember that people have other reasons for not responding but it's really hard for me.

    Weight is an issue because I am rather big, and while I don't emphasize that in my profile I answered the question about it honestly. So people may be turned off by that. (I know you weren't suggesting that either! I'm just saying it may be a factor.) I lost weight at one point but gained it back and I am not really ready to try again at this point. I don't message anyone who says they are only looking for people who are physically fit.

    Anyway I really do appreciate the support.
     
  9. Katchoo

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  10. yuanzi

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    Many people definitely have some 'standards' for their dates when it comes to physical appearance, the most common being height and weight and race (if you live in a multi-cultural country). I just wish everyone was more honest about it. But on the other hand I also understand why people don't want to list these standards explicitly because it makes them look superficial. Oh well.

    Losing weight is hard and I can totally testify to that. However if you think it will make you happier and/or healthier, you should maybe consider doing it again. I am conflicted here. I want to tell people to be happy with their bodies. But I felt a lot happier and more confident after I became more active and lost some weight so I would sound super hypocritical if I told people to be happy with what they have and not change anything. Okay I will send over some hugs (&&&)
     
  11. womaninamber

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    Right now food is one of the only comforts I have and I just can't deal with counting calories. It bothers me because I'm getting bigger but I just cannot face giving up my favorite foods right now. (I know I could still have little bites or whatever but that really wouldn't help.)

    I do get some exercise because I ride my bike to work every day, though I know I should get more.

    I just don't see why it's too much to ask that someone would accept me as I am. I mean sure if I were approaching only wildly beautiful and slim women that would be stupid but I'm messaging everyone who sounds halfway decent and doesn't have anything in their profile indicating I shouldn't message them.
     
  12. HappyGirlLucky

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    Some people have superficial preferences, but not everybody does. I am very picky about personalities but don't have strong preferences when it comes to how someone looks. Although if a woman has brown or dark eyes I automatically fall in love, it is my kryptonite. :lol: Some people are the other way around and instead have strong superficial preferences but are not so picky about personalities, and that is fine too. Some require both, which is also fine. We all have some preferences when it comes to what we would want in a partner and knowing what you want is a good thing. It saves everyone's time and heart. :slight_smile:

    For what it is worth, if you are someone who prefers personality over looks you would most likely not match well with someone who is the opposite. I have found that even though we find each other attractive physically, we tend to have very different lifestyles and values and that just doesn't work for me because it doesn't fit my preferences for personality.

    Some people also prefer bigger women (I have a friend who does) so as cliché as it sounds, I am certain you will find someone who loves you for you no matter what eventually. :slight_smile: Personally I am pretty indifferent on the weight thing.

    Mind you that some wildly beautiful and slim women do not have superficial preferences, and women who do not fit that mold are just as likely to have them. Go ahead and approach those too. This is the "out of my league" thing I was talking about before, don't fall into that trap. Women who love women especially have a very subjective view of how attractive another woman is, unlike men who all seem to agree on who is hot and who is not. For all you know she has been scared to contact you because she thinks you are too beautiful for her. I have heard lesbian couples say they did this soooo many times. :lol:
     
  13. Katchoo

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    I want to try more dating sites. Makes me nervous, though. I wish we could talk here about the pros and cons of various apps, sites, etc, but Iknow that EC automatically filters out the names.

    Proud of you for doing this. :slight_smile:
     
  14. BrookeVL

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    I've had a bit of luck finding guys on the "swipe type" apps. No matches with women, which is odd considering how much more often they come up......but I did meet the current boy on one.

    I've had a bit of luck on "the site that lets you hide straight peoples profiles" but not a ton. The one girl I was convinced wasn't into me, so I dropped the conversation....never thought she might have just felt awkward/isn't good at the texting thing....maybe should have asked her on a date....ah well, live and learn.

    Dating sites can be great.
     
  15. womaninamber

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    I might have to consider an app. I don't think I'll be trying a pay dating site though. I've tried three in the past couple of years and had very little luck on any of them. (Except one where women in other states kept messaging me, but considering that no one local was messaging me I highly suspect that they were running scams of some kind.)
     
  16. Katchoo

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    The pay dating site I have (expires in like a week) is just too thin. Not enough people, many of them are far away. I did go on that one date through it, but, there nust need to be more people.