A lot has been discussed on shame, and the impact shame has in pushing ourselves into the closet - and keeping us there. Accepting yourself and living authentically unquestionably means dealing with shame. Reflecting on my journey and thinking about the various hurdles I needed to get over, I always seemed to have a fear of being alone, and such fear drove me further and further in the closet. Up until being presented with the concept of shame while on my journey, I had never consciously identified with this emption. I had struggled with the concept of shame, and more so with the idea that shame causes us to feel unloved. I simply never had really thought of it that way. But when I now think about my overwhelming fear of being alone, and where today that fear does not resonate with me (and while yes, I am in a relationship today, but perviously I have had plenty of time to be alone through my journey and contemplate loneliness), in conjunction with the love for myself that I do feel today, I can not help but consider that loneness for me actually did equate to the feelings of shame and being unloved. Such emotions put me in the closet, and they kept me there for the longest of time. I had not resolved those emotions when I accepted myself. Instead, I decided to make myself vulnerable and take the risk that things would only be better for me by finally accepting myself rather than continuing down the dark path I was on. I had an image of whom I wanted to be and knew the status quo was not going to get me there. i believe I have come to understand shame, the various components of shame (whether I did not feel as if I could be loved, whether it related to events in my past which were out of control, or whether it is felt today when I think about the impact my decisions have had on my family). And in coming to understand it, I have come to appreciate how it has impacted me. While I will always carry shame with me in some form or another, I recognize it, I appreciate it for what it is, and I can manage it. What I will never let shame do to me again, is stop me from living my life authentically as the person I am supposed to be. For those whom are struggling with their own identities and find themselves unable to proceed on their journey, maybe reflecting on shame can help break the log jam and get you moving forward.
Thank you for sharing this. Really insightful. I feel that I struggle with the concept of shame, particularly with identifying it within myself. I can relate to your fear of loneliness. On reflection, I can see that my fear of loneliness has been a big contributor to why I have stayed in my current relationship for so long, and why I've made a conscious effort to fit in with the likes and dislikes of my partner. I've often avoided sharing my opinions, concerns, etc. because that would make me vulnerable and potentially threaten the relationship.
When thinking about the person I wanted to be, while in the closet, I would say to myself "I do not want to be alone". Then when I finally had the courage to come to accept myself, that process of acceptance changed my perspective on whom I wanted to be. At that point it became, "I want to be gay, happy and authentic". The life decisions based on not wanting to be alone were fundamentally different from the life decisions I now make to ensure I am content, gay and authentic.
I too struggled to recognise shame within myself. I didn't think that shame was the main motivator for me staying in the closet, but now I see it all so clearly. When I finally uncovered some of my layers of shame i realised that I felt (and even still feel to some extent) ashamed of being ashamed. (Shame for having my own internal homophobia, shame for letting shame keep me in the closet, etc) :bang: How's that for the tangled webs we weave??
My initial reaction was not of shame for the shame, but initially of regret. However, it was a fleeting emption that I quickly overcame as I learned about how the shame developed in the first place. You do not control the environment around you. You do not control the intolerance from others. You could not control, despite what you would have otherwise liked to have done, the sexual experiences from when you were younger. The internal homophobia was brought on not from your own doing. The closet you created was a defensive mechanism from what you experienced. Let go of that initial shame. There is no need for it. ---------- Post added 30th Jun 2016 at 09:46 AM ---------- ..and focus on the underlying shame brought on by the aforementioned.
Yes. As I post only days ago (I think), that I didn't really relate to posts about shame. I suppose I thought that as I'm accepting of LGBT, I can't possibly have been influenced by shame. When I think back at all times I've felt attraction to women before, I didn't question it because I couldn't be gay, that couldn't be my life, I could never tell anyone, etc., so I just ignored it. The underlying assumption there is that gay is in some way wrong, so shame. What a never ending roller coaster ride this is!
I feel like I'm making progress in bits and pieces in letting go of all of that self blame, but it's a huge wall to overcome. And the other shame, I'm chipping away at it little by little. As silly as it sounds, one of the things I e been doing that makes me feel like I'm overcoming some shame, is being more visible (through coming out on FB, wearing pride accessories, etc) I feel like these things make me constantly revisit old bits of shame and dispel them. For example, today I just saw a nursery parent who liked one of my coming out posts on FB. When I saw him I thought, 'he's looking at my gayness'. It was s weird thought, and i told myself to just stand tall and speak confidently, and I felt the anxiety pass through me. ---------- Post added 30th Jun 2016 at 09:38 AM ---------- It is a roller coaster ride! You're making great first steps NotMyName, you're looking at important questions and learning about you. Keep doing that and you will continue to grow.
Just saw this...Thank you. I saw an attractive woman in town yesterday. Short blonde hair, dressed entirely in black. Didn't catch her eye though, I get the impression that women who give off a gay vibe think I'm looking at them in a judgmental way.
Thanks for this OTH. I think I am still working my way through a lot of shame. I too feel ashamed of being ashamed, especially as society is so different today. I imagine if I do go on to have a relationship with a women people will be like 'why couldn't you just be gay?' And 'why didn't you just accept your sexuality', and some embarrassment at being the age I am and only really properly coming to terms with that now, despite having a relationship with a women when I was younger. I don't know if anyone else can relate?
In another thread, I referenced my scars of shame, and a recent event caused me to revisit the scar of feeling unloved. This is a concept that I have been really trying hard to understand, to put into perspective, to define for myself and to accept. Can it be that shame really derives from the fear of being unloved? And if so, how do I reconcile this? After an intense discussion with my partner (as happens from time to time), I found myself concerned about his love for me. I was the protagonist having caused the circumstances for the discussion (as I so often seem to do), and his reaction to my instigation was swift and biting (no need to get into the details as to what happened, each of you can fill in the blank with your own imagination as you please). His response generated a reciprocating feeling of fear in me; and when that fear developed, it immediately triggered a blanket of shame. Not a shame storm per se, but definitely subdued feelings of shame. Now, despite me being the one to have caused the discussion between us, the fear I felt was derived from my momentary concern that I caused my partner to reconsider his love for me. Regardless of whether or not my instigation with a major event or a nominal blip, there is no question in my mind that this fear of not having his loved directly resulted in triggering shame. the SAME EXACT feeling of shame that has been with me through my years in the closet. I think I have finally been able to find a correlation between shame and the fear of being unloved - and it is profound. On a side note, my partner and I have since made up from our intense discussion (*hug*).