As I mentioned in another thread I'm sort of toying around with labels. And I have felt more and more at home saying gay, but still feel kind of tied to the queer label. Both capture aspects of what I feel and who I am, but in different ways. I just wanted to sort of explore my feelings about these labels. (*note - this is simply what the labels feel like for *me*, not how I view others' use of their own personal labels) Gay - I'm gay. That sounds so definitive, so sure. In my heart it feels warm, cozy. It's a clear statement. It says I know what I feel . I like the feeling of saying I'm gay. It makes me feel like I can look a woman in the eye and express what I feel towards her, like my heart can be a little more open, more forward. Queer - saying I'm queer, this captures something that gay doesn't. To me men are sexy, their bodies are interesting, their energy draws me a bit. But it's more of a feeling that I like to be near men, in their company. With women, I typically want more. Queer feels strong, but flexible. Like what I have with men, I can still embrace and seek that out anytime I want, even if I would be more inclined to be with women. So it feels like it captures a little more broadly what i feel, but yet it doesn't capture strongly enough my feelings for women. I don't have more at this moment.... Does anyone have any insight? Thoughts? ---------- Post added 29th Jun 2016 at 01:34 AM ---------- Just a thought that popped up: does saying 'I'm gay' in some sense free me to *be* gay?
When I finally came to accept myself. I said out loud, "I am Gay". I said it again a few times. I was anxious, trembling, and unsure of myself. But I did feel empowered to say it, and to mean it. So, for me, I did feel as if saying I was gay allowed me to be gay.
This probably won't be insightful! I understand what you mean by gay being sure and definite. For me, whilst I've been unsure and questioning, I've seen it almost as aspirational. As to gay freeing you to be gay, I can sort of relate to that. I think I've seen gay as freeing in the sense that it would leave me no choice but leave my partner. Not that I really need an excuse, but if I were bisexual, then I'd feel that I'd have less grounds to leave. That's just me, in my situation though. I quite like the flexibility of queer too, as I feel it encompasses my past and current situation. I can't related to your feelings about men, so for me, queer doesn't really represent where I want to be in the future.
for me, I am Bisexual, I use the queer identifier as a means of taking that slur back. they cant insult me with myself. may as well say your such a, (insert birth name here). about a week before I came out to my parents, my dad was telling a story about a store manager he was dealing with and called him a "F*ing queer" that was like punch in the gut, smack in the face and kick to the crotch all rolled in one. I spent the next week torn up and decided on the spur of the moment at dinner to tell them, I was terrified, but did it anyway because I couldn't hold it in any more. so back to the subject at hand, haha, for me queer is both an identity in and of itself, and a means to take dignity back, and really I view it as an umbrella for most of the LGBT community, I even say Queer Community.
I relate to this a lot because I used to go back and forth with labeling myself out of fear and really wanting to know how to present myself, so now, I fly back and forth between them all! I label myself as queer & gay/lesbian, but a lot of the time, am comfortable with the term queer - mostly because I can't totally disregard men. I do still have attraction toward them, but not as much as I do with some women. Queer to me means that I'm not straight. Gay/lesbian to me means that I only like women. However, I would say I almost want to put it in the queer category because it really means the same 'not straight' thing to me. Even if I only want to be with a woman, does that mean I won't find men attractive? If I find men attractive, am I not a lesbian, am I actually bi/queer? Labels are a little too constricting for me because there's too much grey area. For others, they're really helpful, especially if it's a set understanding of themselves, like, "I only like my own gender and that is it. I can't say that, even if I feel like I only want to be with a woman, I can't say with 100% confidence that I will never be with a man. Since I am more leaning toward women, though, I feel completely comfortable calling myself lesbian/gay. I usually use queer for social situations/people who aren't extremely close to me/inside my head. Also, if you see on my orientation, I call myself lesbiqueer Made my own!
Yes, using the words kind of makes a space for the thing to exist. The words help, sometimes. I think, too, its ok if you hold both labels for yourself and use them based on context, audience, info you need to convey, whatever. For example, if I just need this person to understand that I want a girlfriend, gay. But if I need them to get into the swampier, more nuanced areas, like I occasionally feel a bit genderqueer or I occasionally like some men or I often like people who are genderqueer, I might say queer. But, you do you. Whether you use a label for 10 minutes or 10 years, you are in charge of your words, and they are valid.
I haven't said it out loud yet, just in text conversations. I wanted to try it out at counselling today but we got into talking about other things. I wish I could be alone with a mirror...I'm never alone. ---------- Post added 29th Jun 2016 at 11:31 AM ---------- I relate to all of what you're saying NotMyName. I have felt the same way about each of thes things at some point. I'm at a point right now though where I'm trying to separate my feelings about my identity from what it means for my marriage. It makes me feel like I can simply think about what I feel and who I am and then examine what that means for my marriage later. Before I did that, I was having so much trouble moving forward.
I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who's felt this way. Separating your identity and marriage makes sense. For me, I find the identity I envision in my head is so far away from the one I live as a stay-at-home-mum, that I struggle to see it as a possible reality. I can dream away about a happier future quite easily, but I like to avoid thinking about the process of getting there and the consequences.
Lookingforme, I'm so sorry for that experience with your dad. (*hug*) you were very brave for coming out the way you did. I love that you've taken the word and made it your own.
Gay - I am fine with gay. Another definition of gay is happy, and I am happy with who I am now, so gay is good , for me. Queer - Not so happy with this word. I just can't get beyond the idea that it also means odd, strange, abnormal. I know many people in the LGBT community, including my husband are perfectly fine with queer and even embrace it in preference to gay, but it's not for me, I'm afraid. I've tried to "make friends" with queer, but it's not worked out and I still get a negative feeling inside when I hear it. I'm not saying I am right and others are wrong, it's just how I feel about it.
I've noticed a lot who identify with queer feel excluded from the LGBT community (or at least, the G part, which seems to be what matters). People of color, gender-non conforming, female, or multisexual. Not in every case, but in more than the other way around.
Partick, i'm right with you, i think gay is way better than queer as a description for exactly the reasons you give, queer suggests abnormal to me.
thanks Jedi, he hasn't said anything like that since, as far as I know, so at least that's progress. I was taught that one of the best ways to defeat your enemy/opponent is to deny them the weapons and support they need to fight you with, this takes that dagger from them.
I really love your perspective on this, and your sense of fun in using labels however they work in the moment. I like "lesbiqueer"! I may steal that from you I really don't need to feel tied to a label, it's all about communicating the parts I want to communicate in the moment. ---------- Post added 30th Jun 2016 at 09:02 AM ---------- I am really liking all of what you say Katchoo. And I think it all feels right. I do feel like some part of me needs to articulate my feelings for women in a way that really makes that clear and strong. It's important to me. But its true that they are my words and I have full power over them. ---------- Post added 30th Jun 2016 at 09:11 AM ---------- Oh honey, you are *so* not alone. ---------- Post added 30th Jun 2016 at 09:14 AM ---------- Patrick, I totally get your perspective. There's a lot if loaded history with the word queer. I suppose the thing that queer does which gay does not, is allow for greater nuance in articulating a person's sexuality. It's a bigger umbrella in other words than gay. ---------- Post added 30th Jun 2016 at 09:17 AM ---------- That's an inspiring way to look at things. I'm glad for you that he hasn't been unkind in that way. But I think much of that is a testament to your strength in taking a stand for yourself.
