I feel like such an idiot…

I was so happy about hooking up with this woman whom I've been interested in for years. Afterwards, I said she could contact me next time she were in town if she wanted to meet up again.

A couple of days later we flirted a little and she seemed interested.

After a while, I figured the "contact me if you want to meet up" thing sounded like I was only interested in something casual, while what I wanted was a date, so I asked her to have dinner with me, but she was out of town already.

I should have seen it already then. No rain checks, no "I'd love to another time though". I didn't lose hope fast enough, apparently. I let myself go blind.

Anyway, we met at a later event. She was with her friends but we hugged. Then I took her hand and invited her to join me on the dance floor, but she just turned away from me and left. No "sorry, I think I've given you the wrong idea". Nothing at all. Just an empty hand and the back of her skull. I felt the message was clear: She didn't want me around.

I felt so stupid and hurt, so I did what my coping mechanism tells me to do in those situations: focus on someone else. I went and danced with other people and was hit on by this other really attractive woman who I let myself be distracted by. We danced, flirted, and eventually started making out quite heavily. I felt better. Then that woman suddenly disappeared for god knows what reason while I was away momentarily, buying a drink.

Rejected for the second time in one evening. Charming, eh!

Then I made a really stupid mistake.

I got home, wasted, and I started chatting with the first woman, the one I've been interested in. Completely moronic, I know. Drunken confessions over text, I mean how fucking pathetic does it possibly get. Well, I felt pretty goddamn screwed, and I told her I had wished she had been frank with me about not being interested in me. I told her I had liked her for a long time, and that I had rejected her friend because I liked her better. She said she felt a bit overwhelmed (understandable), that she was sorry if she had disappointed me, and that she had been really burned by a previous relationship. I told her I've been hurt in the past too, that I know what it's like.

She tried calling me, but I was all tears, screened it telling her why (another stupidly honest move), so she suggested we have a proper talk later.

I contacted her again a few days later and thanked her for being there for me when I was stupidly drunk and emotional, saying I'm still up for talking if she is, that I'm here and I'm willing to listen if she wants to talk.

I haven't heard anything since and I feel really sad about it. I keep beating myself up over little things I might have done wrong, like I'm not X, Y, or Z enough. I feel like such an idiot.

I know this is self-pity speaking, but right now it really feels like I'm doomed to fail with women I really like.

 

Thank you, Katchoo. That's very kind of you.

I don't know what to do the next time I see her. Be superficially polite and nothing more, I guess.

I've already asked her to be honest with me, so why ignore me when she's the one who suggested a proper talk? I don't get it!

And I don't get how you can be all on someone one minute and completely off the next. I mean, who the hell does that? And why?

It just gets to me. Is it all part of the consumerist, individualist culture? Like people aren't worth anything. I was brought up to live by "Do as you would be done by" to the best of my ability and within reason, so it just really gets to me. *Sigh*

 

Thank you, Really. I really appreciate it. I just feel that it's difficult to reach her on a level that is more than simply superficial.