Guys, today was my first counselling session in a while. We talked mostly about the past - the abuse, the shame, feeling alone, feeling like "they" (all the other kids) all thought I was weird and strange afterwards. Like I had no friends. Losing me. Shutting down. I cried. Of course I cried, I always do when I talk about it. When I left the session I thought - oh I wish we wouldn't have focused so much on the past... But now I realise how important it was to revisit it. She asked me to visualise myself at that age, to see and feel who I was then. And I remembered Saturday morning, cereal, cartoons, the comfort of hanging out with my brother, who was truly my best friend. And glancing at that little dent in the pullout couch where C, my abuser used to sleep. And saying ....J, I need to tell you something....promise me you won't tell anyone? That little girl, me in my pjs, with this huge secret, weighing down on me. And the shame. And the feeling of being a coward. A freak. A weirdo. Dirty. My body was broken and no longer mine. I can feel who I was then. All the little movements of life continued, but I just tried to get through, to do the things that mimicked what I thought a girl at 7, 10, 13, 16 would do. I hardly felt much, I acted, went through the motions, doing the things that I supposed made sense in that moment. I couldn't remember what wanting felt like. I was just doing. When I feel that, and remember the numbness, the facade, the show i put on to just mimic life; when I feel those things, my closet makes so much sense to me. I remember when I started feeling again, stopped feeling numb, it was like waking up from a black and white dream to a world of colour. But it would take years for me to really see and understand all the colours and textures of the world and my feelings within that world. It's hard for me to remember all of those feelings ...sometimes I remember all the facts, the dates, the events. But I remember now, the fear, the vulnerability, the shame. All of it.
Thanks for the hugs OTH (*hug*) seeing your comforting gesture made me feel like I have the support to cry a bit, which might sound negative, but it actually feels like a comforting way to release some of the pain from the past.
Thanks OTH and Happygirllucky. I had a few good cries last night. Sometimes when I look back I think of the abuse and say "it wasn't as bad as it could have been, the damage you've taken from it is so much more than it should've been", or I think I shouldn't have let it happen, should have stopped it, spoke up sooner, taken him to court, not have been so weak, so passive. I think that even though I try to rationally tell myself that I did my best, those messages and feelings still resound in me. Yesterday, remembering and feeling what I did then, as a child, hit home in a different way. The pain, and my process in dealing with it was simply what it was. I was maybe even strong in some sense. I think one of my triggers for telling my brother was a sudden realisation, maybe I wasn't the only one, maybe he did the same to my brother. Thankfully he didn't. ❤️ My heart just felt really full thinking about my big brother. Good man, that one. Always always a rock for me.
I am glad your recognizing your strength in what you went through. You can now build upon that strength and rise above the events at this point; as you continue to become your authentic self.
This is what I'm starting to take from revisiting this. It's almost like every step forward I take can be a bit of catharsis for the stuff that's held me back until now.
You are stronger than you imagine. Abuse is a terrible thing and the mere fact that you are here, telling the story is testament to your inner resolve. It's hard to talk about it, but at the same time it takes the cutters to the chains of the past. Silence maintains the secrecy and keeps you compliant state, and that's precisely what abusers want from their victims. Counselling will be hard, but it's well worth the effort. If it were easy, it wouldn't really be effective. Stay strong and remember we are here for you.
The single biggest realization I came to when I worked through my own experience, was the realization that I was not at fault, I could not have changed the situation, and I was not responsible for what occurred. This was a profound catalyst for me that went an extremely long way to heal, build true confidence and self esteem.
Thank you Patrick, this is all so encouraging. I'm trying desperately to break the silence and to face all of it. It's hard to do it, but you're right that the process is not going to be easy, but healing doesn't come easily. I feel like my new counsellor touched a deep chord by having me look at this ins different way than I have up to now. I'm really looking forward to the next session. ---------- Post added 30th Jun 2016 at 09:52 AM ---------- OTH, how did you manage to actually feel and believe this? I tell myself these things, but I think I have yet to truly take them to heart. But I do feel like this revisiting that I did yesterday gave me a glimpse of taking that on as truth. ---------- Post added 30th Jun 2016 at 09:52 AM ---------- Thanks Bunny (*hug*)
I'm really proud of you for doing your work. Some people don't think that the stuff from the past matters much, but Ithink it does, especailly if you find yourself wanting to talk about it. I'm really proud of you for doing this hard work. When we don't deal with our past stuff, the picture in my head is like having a stack of double-stuffed oreos inside of us. (Weird, I know.) And then we try to push it down, maybe cram more stuff on top of it. And then the "stuff"starts leaking out sideways. And when it leaks out sideways, that's when it affects our lives in really weird ways. "Why am I doing this? Why am I acting like this? Am I crazy? This makes no sense?" But, if we can deal with it head on, it's still messy, but it doesn't affect the rest of our lives in these weird ways that seem out of our control. It gets better. The other analogy that Ilike for working through our past stuff.... Have you ever cleaned out your closet at home, to try to organize it? THere's usually this point where all of your shit is spread out all over your room, and you're like, "Damn, this was better before Ieven started! What have Igotten myself into! This is terrible!" But, you keep going, and, eventually you're like, "Wow. My closet looks really good. Glad Icleaned that out." Therapy / doing work about our trauma history is kidn of like that. There's usually some point where you feel unraveled and messy, and you wonder if it was a bad idea to do this at all. But, don't give up! You're almost there! Making things better usually looks messy in the middle of the process.
It took time no doubt. There was no one moment when it clicked. It was more of an evolution of my thought process over a few years from when I started working through it.
