All, Its been a real struggle for me to come to terms with myself as gay. A real struggle with some major depression thrown in. I find myself however being really jealous of straight people and them being the norm, and how easy it is for them just to live their life and not having the problems i've had in coming to terms with themselves. How do i learn to accept me for me, and leave this jealousy of straight people behind. I guess its fundamentally about me being comfortable about myself but i do find myself with a lot of jealousy for my striaght friends and their 'relatively' easy lives compared to mine. I however note that they still have problems, but to me my sexuality has been such big issue i feel annoyed that straight people don't have to come out, don't have to be a minority, and don't necessarily have the hassle that gay people have in just being themselves......
My take is that you are still working through some internalized Homophobia. I feel special to be gay; I see it as a gift. I would not want to be any other way. If your straight, whats so exceptional about you? Your then like everyone else. Everyone else with problems as you already articulated. I say - Dare to be Different! Be proud of whom you are, get to that point on your own journey, and I think your jealously will melt away.
Yeh i do still have internalised homophobia that is taking its time to overcome. I still find myself assuming that everyone else is a little homophobic too - i checked out this guys bum earlier who was walking in front and smiled but the other side of me thought 'imagine what he would say or think if he knew what i was thinking'....
Everyone seems to have had their own approach to dealing with their internalized homophobia. No one way works for everyone. You will need to find it within your heart what works best. For me, it started with forgiveness. Forgiving those that otherwise caused me to feel shame and internalized homophobia and then forgiving myself for building the defenses and entering the closet as a result. Then, as I put myself in positions of vulnerability, I found that I built confidence and self esteem - I socialized with other LGBT, I participated in pride parades, I joined various LGBT social groups, I listened to others whom have struggled on their journey and found empathy for them. Each step, each time I made progress, I shaded a bit of the internalized homophobia and shame. Your on your unique journey, and will need to find what works best for you. Seeing your posts on EC, it does seem you are well on your way!
I really do think attitudes within wider society are changing. I only have my own experience and some anecdotal evidence to go on, but I've noticed that more and more people are expressing puzzlement if/when I come out to them. I don't mean puzzlement in the sense of disbelief or rejection, but puzzlement at the very idea that I, or anybody else should need to come out at all.... that I should need to initiate a conversation and declare that I am not straight. The last time I told somebody that I am gay they asked me why I felt the need to do so. So the "jealousy" is something that I can understand, but I think there are positive signs, particularly amongst younger people who seem a lot more relaxed about sexuality and labels. The impression I get from younger people (especially under 25's) is that you are who you are and labels and grand statements are of little importance or significance. It's generally a good sign for the future.
Patrick you are right. I guess as young people also have conversations with their parents about gay friends that changes opinion too. My therapist told me a stat that 50% of under 25's do not identify as 100% straight... its true what you say about the need to come out at all. Most people i've told havent batted an eyelid - in actual fact i wished they made more of an issue about it - its a big deal to me!!
Hey Justasking1000, I can totally relate to those feelings. My life would indeed be so much simpler if I were just straight. I personally have a lot of conflict between my faith and my homosexual feelings, and that struggle can get a bit exhausting at times. I sometimes wonder why God allows me to have these feelings, and I just wish He would zap me straight at times. But I have come to the realization that God is using this struggle to teach me to depend on Him more. Having gay feelings at times can be very uncomfortable in this world, but it is through discomfort that we exhibit the most spiritual growth. God exchanges beauty for the ashes and victory for the trials.
I used to feel this way a little but now I think it would be boring to be straight. I'm glad that I'm different and that I have been able to experience sex and relationships with both men and women. I'm glad I see the world from a different perspective and that I have questioned everything, particularly patriarchal, heteronormative society. I think I am learning to embrace who I am a little more. I think OntheHighway's suggestions are great steps for eliminating internal homophobia. You do sound from your posts that you have done the hardest part already though. When you said you checked out the guy's bum and you wondered what he would say or think...he may well have just been flattered
Justasking I think as time goes on, you will be more accepting of yourself and the jealousy may even turn to a form of "pity". At least that's how I have felt about being bi for a long time. I agree with Dirtyshirt. I don't envy anyone who isn't bi. At one time, I considered it the worst of curses. Now, I get so much pleasure from the smile of a man or a woman or to be able to appreciate the beauty and sexuality of either sex. Once you get beyond the fear of letting yourself feel what is true inside of you, you will lose that jealousy. That is not to say it is easy being gay in society. I know gay relatives that still do not feel comfortable expressing their love for each other in many public places without feeling they are on display or meeting disapproval. This is changing, thankfully. But, this is about fairness not about the value of the feelings.
I feel a bit like this too. I don't feel jealous as such, but I do feel that being straight is easier. That might be because I'm in a heterosexual relationship, though. But as dirtyshirt says, there's something quite boring about it. I do look at other straight couples and wonder where the appeal is, what is it that keeps them together.
My jealousy has been all over the place over the years. When I was serving as a pastor for 14 years, I used to feel jealous and angry that I couldn't talk about my "home life" like everyone else in the congregation. I knew who was dating who, who was getting married and even whose husband wasn't providing enough satisfaction to his wife. The women in church were always telling me about their husband's shortcomings, so to speak! I was out to certain trusted colleagues and parishioners over the years, but I was always more than a bit jealous that the only family I could talk about was my mother or my basset hounds!
