I know no one can tell me what to do, or why I should do things. I'm just starting to notice that people not knowing my identity is starting to interfere with my career. I want to relate some of my work back to my identity. That's all good and well, but I want to, and need to, be able to attach it to my social media...but my family follows my social, and then it makes me realize that I am in the closet. I don't even like the phrase. It doesn't sound like me, but it is. I can't write some pieces and market them how I'd like because I'm afraid family who follows will see it. It's just really frustrating me right now, but it's all in my power to change that. There's a part of me that doesn't care: center a piece around my queerness, push it out, a family member sees it, whatever. The only thing that worries me is it will be someone who isn't that close to me, and then someone who is close to me will find out through them and feel betrayed that they didn't hear it from me. I can argue how unnecessary I feel that is for a few reasons, but it does make me feel bad. I don't feel like I owe anyone an explanation, but ... Idk. And then it makes "coming out" this big thing. Like I have to do it so I can just do my thing and be comfortable with that. I'm seriously just thinking about sending out a mass of texts to people and getting it over with. What is the right way to come out? How intimate does it have to be? How dramatic? It was dramatic the first few times around, but I'm very comfortable (thankfully, it took me a long while to get here) with my identity. It is a part of me, and I don't shun it, but I am obviously still hiding it from some people - the majority, I'd say. My business doesn't depend on me doing this, or pushing out LGBTQ+ media like I want to. At all. There's nothing major going on for me -- but I want to get on with my life a little, and this is where I want it to go. But this wall up is preventing it a little. :help:
I think that in the end you have to do what feels right and natural and not feel obligated to do anything according to any other person's sense of should. I do understand wanting to come out personally to some who are closer to you rather than in a public space. If you feel really compelled to do that, maybe just think of a few people close to you, grab a drink, make a phone call, and do it. I know it's not that easy, but that's the route I would take. I recently came out on FB, and I really felt it was important to me that I didn't do that without having told my dad personally. I don't think you owe anyone anything. Just follow your own instincts.
Sounds like your job gives you both motivation to come out to your family and some launching points for conversations. If you choose to come out to your family, Icould imagine, like, you doing an article well in advance, not deadline rushed, about queerness. Talking to relevant family members, telling them you plan to publish this article online but wanting to show it to them and talk about it with them first. Be firm that you're going to publish it no matter what, but you value the relationship enough and respect them enough to open up the conversation directly. Or, you could come out the regular way. Or, you could not. All ok options! All up to you.
You can write your articles however you like -- and then decide whether or not to publish. Getting what's on your mind out on paper, and reviewing it later, can be a very enlightening experience.
YOU. Hi!!!! Alright. I had a little problem with the whole "coming out" process too. Like, I wanted to tell everyone, and I didn't want anyone to know. If that makes sense. I went back and forth between wanting to just make this definitive Facebook post ("I'm gay"), to thinking, it's nobody's damn business, and there's no need to make a huge announcement. It was a constant struggle for me. It's very personal. And you will hear that all the time. What I decided to do, though, was to have a heart-to-heart with the most important people in my life. I called my mom and my siblings and told them. I also told my dearest friends via phone or face-to-face. I blew it up into this huge thing in my head, but the reactions were usually, "And . . .?" or "Wow, okay, I love and support you no matter what." Just be prepared to answer a lot of questions if you go this route. My acquaintances, old friends I never talk to anymore, and family that I rarely see or talk to? I didn't bother "coming out" to them. I mean, I haven't spoken to you in five years, how weird is it going to be when I call you and say, "Hey! I'm gay! Just thought you should know!" BUT, I did proudly go forward as someone who was "out of the closet." Started to post pictures of me and my girlfriend, made Facebook posts related to being a lesbian in general . . . whatever the hell I wanted to do as an "out" individual. And you know what? I hardly got any questions from anyone. I'm sure people were talking to other people about it ("Did you know Mel is GAY?! Oh my GOD!"), but aside from the very occasional inquiry, it went seamlessly. I think you just need to figure out what you're most comfortable with and realize that you have absolutely no obligation to anyone as far as "coming out." I'm assuming you got a new job? CONGRATS! If that allows you the opportunity to write about your experience, DO IT. Maya Angelou said it best: "There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you." Just figure out if there's anyone you want to have a heart-to-heart with before you do it. Then go forth and use your experience to be the best writer you can possibly be.
Mel, I agree with you. It was very much a back and forth feeling. And although I didn't get any really negative responses, I'm sure there's a ton of "Did you know Mel is gay?!" conversations going on behind my back, too.
Thanks for the feedback, all! I guess my biggest struggle with saying anything is that I'm not dating anyone, so there's nothing to really 'come out' about, except for the career stuff. Mellaaaaayyy! Your advice is what I feel I should do and have been feeling all along: coming out to who is important, and whatever with the rest. I just hate to make it a big deal, because it's not one to me! It may be to others, though. I think I'll wait until I have something to publish and then do it. I just hate the dramatics of it! **barf**
I know that people who aren't LGBTQ tend to feel like coming out is a bigger deal than it is. I came out via text to my mother, and she seemed to be a bit put off because I didn't do it in person. I felt bad for a while about that, but honestly, no one has to come out as straight to us. We shouldn't have to be made to feel like it is something we need to explain, apologize for, or make a huge dramatic production of. My mom is the only one who got a personalized coming out message. For everyone else, I just made my relationship status visible to my friends and started posting and sharing whatever queer stuff I wanted. I used to think coming out was a big deal but now I'm starting to think the next step towards making people see that being queer is normal and okay, is by not coming out anymore. Just living as you want and not explaining yourself to anyone.
I tried not to make a big deal of coming out, just would talk about who I was dating as I did when I tried to pretend I was hetero. Apparently, a lot of other people thought it was a big deal. Mentioning the woman I was dating often lead to a larger conversation, many starting with, "So, you're bi, then?" Which always lead to a bigger, longer explanation than I'd planned. "Um, no. I'm lesbian. I just was married to a man for 10 years because I felt I was supposed to be.
I'm kind of struggling with this a bit too. My husband and closest friends know, but since I'm not planning to leave him or date a woman or anything, it seems like a weird thing to just bring up out of the blue. I've kind of just decided to "be" out and try to stop censoring myself as much as I can without being totally obvious, but then I went to try to see Hillary with my mom, and I kind of wanted the LGBT for Hillary pin, and I didn't do it. My husband doesn't quite get why it's bothering me/a struggle to not tell people, and I'm not sure how to explain it. I tried with "You know when you have a great Jewish joke or pun (we are both Jewish), and you look around and realize that no one in the room is Jewish or would get it? It's kind of like that, but all the time, and with the feeling that not saying whatever it was is hiding an integral part of who you are."
Yeah, I think a text would just lead to awkward phone conversations, and maybe me feeling uncomfortable when seeing them the next time. I need to think about it more. What I wound up doing is deleting family from the social site I'd be using to advertise my work. This way I can do what I want and deal with it when I'm a little more ready. Hopefully it'll be soon! Yeah, when it comes to being bi/queer and married to a man, it must be hard to present that part of yourself. I wouldn't even know how to go about it...
Like a lot of people I used to think my sexuality was totally my business and as long as I was comfortable with it why should I even come out to my family, especially when I was still single. But then I realized I was not comfortable or happy. The sheer amount of lies (all small lies) I had to tell my family to divert their attention on my personal life was crushing me. My relationship with my family became strained as well due to the constant miscommunication. So yeah I can totally relate to those who had/have to hide it from people close to them My family did not make it a huge deal either when I came out to them. I think the main reason was because they saw how miserable and sad I became over the years and how often I expressed to them that life was meaningless. They probably figured a queer granddaughter/daughter was still better than a dead one... I truly do not believe they would react this nicely if I came out to them when I was still a happy chirpy 18-year-old. But there is no point dwelling on this now YeahpIdk and others, you will get there! Your family/other important people might react way better than you have imagined. Mine certainly did.
This might sound odd, but have you considered creating a professional social media presence? A strictly business only presence you can use to connect with people in the industry and fans. The local radio DJ who is pretty easily recognized has his "radio" social media stuff and a separate "friends and family" social media stuff. The two are not linked at all, so he can keep business, business and the other stuff private. I'm not saying you shouldn't come out, just you can keep work and family separate.
my first post, how fun! my problem was totally the opposite. my children knew, because i wanted them to. my family knew, because it seemed to matter to my mom. i had been closeted at a former job, so when i went into my last job, i wanted to go in completely as my self. i didn't go in waving flags. i had a partner with a brain tumor, and i went in referring to her, time off for her chemo, referring to her as my partner, and that sort of thing. maybe it was a lame way to introduce it, but that's what i did. some people there were fine, but most were not. i became the joke of my workplace. i wish i would never have said i word. i am not ashamed of who i am, but i sure got my feelings hurt a lot. i can stand up for myself, and i can take a lot of back biting, but why should i have to? those people were just plain ridiculous. i AM easily hurt, but this was down-right harrassment. i am so glad i'm gone from that place. i would never put myself through that again.
