The Barricades I Build from Years in the Closet

hello. This is my very first post on this website. I am 54 years old and consider myself a closeted trans.my barricades and my difficulty come from the years of people I have allowed into my life period starting with my wife of 30 years and the church family of the past 10 years.everyone who's been through this know what a difficult situation that is and trying to bring your true self into the Forefront of your existence.I knew I would have this month off to be myself period being by myself and not having to work I think I kind of planned it that way so I could attend to Pride festivals and participate and get me out of the closet and well has that ever done that. I have had the time of my life first two weeks in June are two of the best weeks in my life. Feeling the freedom to be me. which was not easy as it was accompanied by a great deal of anxiety attacks and insomnia. but I kept journaling, took notes to record my daily progress. as I felt I was revolting against my church's Doctrine I would feel like God was against me every time something good happened something bad would follow soon. and it has been like that it is been a geiger counter of emotions. in between all that time I've done things I could never imagine. I have driven all over my city, walked ten miles, been to three grocery stores and a bookstore and all my neighbors have seen me. in between all that though my father passed away last Saturday which caused a flurry of people to come over to the house, forced me to go back to my non affirming Church last Sunday Wild One church member has been a pest a couple times coming over to my house wanting to do some yard clearing work for me and has done some but at the same time as taking away my privacy and ability to get out. he might come over a couple more times so now I have to go to my plan B and dress up at a nearby park and go from there which is ok I still can get out just not from my front door.I was like I said, I expected a lot of things to happen from the very positive to the very negative and I've got this. For 30 days. I have another week before returning to my wife and my next goal is how am I going to handle all this how is my recovery going to be. How difficult I know it is to step out of the closet and feel such freedom Kama feel like you can finally be yourself and be totally contenteven with the great many anxiety attacks I was having but able to improve on.I've been through this similar before so I have not been out of the closet like this ever so it will be a challenge to go backwards. at least for a whilebut in my case I wanted to use this month to do as much as possible. I wanted to go out as much as possible, I wanted to be myself as much as possible and be discovered by as many people as possible that I could feel comfortable being discovered by. that way I can say to myself I did it, there is support in this town there's things for you to fall back on if something were to go shower in my marriage. I have been out of 10 times in the past before by my wife. I am supposed to be cured these last years after being baptized in the Church of Christ in 2008. but my goal is to be honest with myself and with my wife specially now that I've seen there's a bright future ahead for the better half of me. so that is where I am at right now. still dealing with self-denial, denial to others, fear, anger. with my wife is going to be damn difficult I know. whenever she catches me with evidence of having worn women's clothes she knows how to push the right buttons that will embarrass me and cause me to retreat, or threaten to out me to the people she knows will scare me. I t is a tough road and am attending Codependents Anonymous, Self Love Deficit Disorder support groups.