I don't really know how to explain this, but I'll give it a go. Aside from my sexual attraction to women, I feel that I'm straight. Whilst I've thought about labels as part of questioning, I've not given myself one and I don't think of myself as belonging to LGBT. My attraction to women exists as a separate part of who I am, almost like it's in a box that I open occasionally. Sometimes, I feel that I would be happy to continue this way, keeping my attraction to women just in thoughts and fantasies. My urge to explore my feelings towards women is still there, but I'm not feeling as trapped at the moment. Besides, I've had enough of feeling frustrated. Can anyone resonate with that? There's part of me that's worried I won't ever find a woman to be happy with anyway. But, I also feel that I've not really been present in my life and relationship for well over a year, and I want to make an effort to be, so I can at least say I tried. I suppose I want to forget about questioning and just let things be. Focus on other things. I can't change my situation at the moment anyway, and I'm not anywhere near ready to.
Sounds like me about 6 months ago, before I dated my first woman. Then, I took that step, and had that first real kiss with a woman. That's when the flood gates opened. And I started coming out. Oh, my... that first kiss and the subsequent make out session, and everything after. I was not prepared for the emotional roller-coaster it put me on. I'm liking it now, but it was scary as shit for a while. As for not really feeling like you're LGBT, I can really relate to that. I don't feel like I'm really part of it, but more like I just want to be. Somehow it's like a club I want in, but I don't feel like I've been invited to. And I'm not in that straight club, either. I'm just sitting out here wondering if anyone will accept me.
I'm so glad you said this. I feel exactly the same way. Right now, I do feel like I don't fit anywhere.
Not, We're freaking twins. Every letter you wrote, resonates with me. And Rose, that's what I'm soooooooo afraid of...those emotional flood gates being opened.
I am man who came here with the same feelings but about men. I felt I just had sexual fantasies and that's it. I worked up the courage to post that I thought I was gay. As I wrote it out my hands started trembling and like others have said a flood of feelings I never knew I had starting erupting. I scared me and I ran away from here but the flood gates were opened. When I finally let myself even fully fantasize about men, I realized just how intensely attracted to men I were. After that, the romantic fantasies started too. I have always looked at women and found them sexy and alluring but one day I found myself saying 'you know you don't have to look at them anymore". and I was shocked. I haven't 'gone through' with anything yet, but if its anything like my fantasies, despite years of dating women, getting serious and never thinking i had anything other than a weird fantasy, I am pretty sure I am 100% gay. I am not saying that will happen to you but its amazing what happens when you open up a little.
Thanks for your reply, findingjoy. I can relate to much of what you describe in your post. The section I've highlighted in bold - I think this is sort of what I mean; anything non-straight exists purely in my head, so it's hard to envision a reality where it's part of my life too. I wouldn't say I'm pretty sure that I'm 100% gay, but I know I'm not 100% straight.
I can relate to all of this. Sometimes I think if I'm bisexual I should just pretend to be straight. I don't mean I think that about bi people in general, just about myself. I start telling myself that I just want attention. I have tried fantasizing more about women but I can't quite get to the romantic fantasies. I don't think it's that I don't want to get together with a woman romantically, it's more that I don't know how it would feel and I don't know how to picture it. I think if I were lesbian this whole thing might be easier. I don't mean that in general I think bi people have a harder time, just that... it would all seem worth it. Right now I feel more like if I could be with a guy why don't I just do it? Even though I don't really want to be with a guy... but maybe I just convinced myself of that? Sorry for rambling. Just I can relate to all of this.
Don't worry about rambling! I can understand where you're coming from. I sometimes think that perhaps it's an attention thing, or wanting to be different/interesting, or just being bored with my current life. I can't seem to get past 'I can't be gay, I just can't be' thoughts. I think if somebody in knew in real life found my EC account, I'd deny it or claim I was confused or making up, and that it was OK now. Possibly this will change when you've had more experience dating women, or have a particular woman in mind? For me, it started with romantic fantasies, influenced by what my current relationship lacks. I'm with you on not knowing how it would feel. I worry that I'd be making a huge change, only to find out it was all in my head after all. I can relate to this. Sort of like I said above, if I'm a lesbian then the upheaval will be worth it, and if not, I think I might as well stick with my (opposite-sex) current partner. I too think maybe I've just convinced myself that I'm attracted to women, so I'm just trying to let things be and not dwell on it so much.
I can relate to this, I feel for a long time I compartmentalised my attraction to women and I never really felt part of the LGBT community or even that it applied to me. However, this is changing now and I'm out to some LGBT friends and hope to become part of the community. I do feel identifying as Bi it's hard as I'm not quite one thing or the other - somewhere in between and sometimes not accepted by either. I have always been happy with the label though and it feels right to me. In an ideal society it should be amazing to find both men and women attractive but yet someone in this one a lot of the time it's not. I think I'm lucky in that I did have a relationship with a women when I was much younger so I know for sure I'm attracted to women and it always felt so normal and good (to be fair being with my husband has too). Fantasies are probably a good indicator. Has there ever been any women you have had a crush on Notmyname or someone you have liked as more than a friend?
I can totally relate to this. Still not fully comfortable with the gay tag but taking steps in the direction. Though I've been out and drinking a little and found myself chatting to women and flirting a little. It's an old habit but I know women have not made me happy. But still not comfortable with being sexual with men, though I do have an opportunity for this this weekend....... ---------- Post added 4th Jul 2016 at 01:29 PM ---------- I have kissed a guy but didn't get the woah amazing feeling, so it does make me question myself. Am I doing the right thing, have I made a massive mistake. What's it gonna take for me just to get comfortable with myself..... ---------- Post added 4th Jul 2016 at 01:31 PM ---------- I guess I know where I stand with women and have never shied away from being sexual with them, I never got worried about being with them the way I am shy about being with a guy. It internalised homophobia I guess, part of me saying its wrong.
I wouldn't worry about the kiss too much, Justasking. I didn't get the "whoa amazing/this is what's been missing in my life!" feeling either. Too me it just felt like kissing girls. nice and normal.
I do understand not feeling a part of the LGBT thing. I mean, really...I'm not. This past year has been a huge growing experience for me. To this day, I'm still not sure what my label is....except for the fact that I think labels pretty much suck, so I just try to be me. I love who I love, and that happens to be a girl. I don't feel particularly straight or gay, and sometimes I feel like I don't particularly belong anywhere. I just know that it took me to this point in my life to have that "aha" moment, and to understand how I could feel comfortable, happy, and honest in a relationship. That being said, when I finally do have my youngest off to college and decide to move away, it will be somewhere a bit more LGBT friendly, mainly because most of the time it would be nice to not be the only lesbian couple at any given place.
Thanks for all your replies. It's good to know I'm not the only one who's felt this way. Yes, I think so. I was actually going to post about this.
