How do you avoid (negative) self-fulfilling prophecies? For whatever unfortunate reason, I feel like things are supposed to be bad or hard for me when it comes to sex and relationships. Right now, the thing that I'm hung up on is my age and inexperience. It's like I want for those to be impediments, even though other gay men have told me that they're really not that big of a deal. I fear that if I expect to have problems, I will, when I would've have had those problems otherwise. Any advice?
Oh boy why do we share so many similar problems?:icon_bigg I was and still am a little insecure for the same reasons. I try to look at it this way. 1) I acknowledge the fact that some people (hopefully not a lot!) will be turned off by my age or inexperience and that's okay. We all get turned off by something. 2) My age has definitely made me more mature and understanding so it's not a bad thing at all. I am also in much more control of my life now compared to when I was 22. 3) My biggest fear is that I'd be too self-centered and not considerate enough b/c of my inexperience (that's the major complaint I have heard from my friends about their first bf or gf). But I don't think I am self-centered or inconsiderate in friendships. So with some practice, hopefully I won't turn out to be an ahole in my first relationship. Just my thoughts...
Make decisions based on the person you want to be! I can not stress this enough, it had been a profound approach for me and I strongly believe can work for you as well. This is key to your notion of self fullfilling prophecies, and there is much merit to the concept. If you want to become a positive person, f you want to be confident, f you want to find great relationships and great sex, you can by making the right choices that can lead to those outcomes. I am not suggesting you think it and it magically happens, I am saying that the little decisions you make everyday all add up and have a material impact on your life. So when you are at a crossroads and need to make a decision, think about how the person you want to become might make such a decision, and make that decision accordingly. Try it over time, make a practice out of it, then let it become second nature. It's a skill, and one that, with practice, works!
I would take time off from dating and relationships for a while if you can. This is because in order to work on yourself you need to be detached from outcomes related to what you mean to other people. Start working on loving yourself and exploring who you truly are. Peel the layers of who others have wanted you to be—the masks and cloaks that they have attempted to clothe you in—whether by ill or good will. Purify yourself of the dictations from others about who you are and love your true self. Love that within you that asks for something in order to make him happy. You cannot find real love until you love yourself. I tried for many, many, many years and all I found was heartache and an ever weaker sense of self. Now I know what I want—respect, trust, love, kindness, sex, companionship—and those who cannot give it to me are no longer interesting.
