I'm sure this topic will have been covered before, but if it's at all possible, how do you distinguish between fantasies that are just fantasies, and fantasies that show real desires (i.e. would like to act on)? I read quite a few posts on EC where people have been fantasising about the same-sex since their teens, but I can't fully relate to that. I don't want to give TMI, but I'd say up unit very recently, my fantasies haven more scenario based, than focused on specific people. I've put that down to not allowing myself to think about women before, but how do I know that it's not the novelty of it that's appealing? I suppose what concerns me is that I don't want to up turn my life, end my relationship, etc., and then discover it was just a fantasy. Most of the time I'm fairly sure it's not, but still, I want to be completely sure, if that's actually possible.
I relate 100% to that feeling. I don't want to come out or do something and ruin everything in my life if it's just a phase or something passing. But after talking it through with a counselor, I've been reevaluating everything from my early life and now it feels like thoughts and desires that I put in the "passing phase" or "random thoughts " boxes were in actuality moments along a continuum that in my case has been there since I was a child. I don't think I could have gotten as deep as I was and have such feelings of despair I the feelings weren't genuine. Just my two cents.
I wasn't sure whether my fantsies were just novelty or real feelings until I was with a woman. However, I was single, so just choosing to allow myself to date a woman didn't come with the uprooting my life stress that your situation has. Sorry.
Thanks, Jjanon. That's really interesting. For me, (and this is about me, and not a comment about your experiences) I could construct a narrative that shows a lack of interest in men, an interest in men for the wrong reasons, and a sexual attraction to women, but I worry that I'm forcing it, remembering things incorrectly, in the wrong light, or in isolation, and forgetting things completely. I suppose I feel that whilst questioning, I've been seeking evidence for an attraction to women, and that perhaps I've put too much emphasis on minor things. I've just noticed that I'm approaching this like a historical investigation. Seeking anything in history is a poor approach, because you'll normally find it and misrepresent the past. Thanks, RosePetals. I know what I'd do if I were single. Don't be sorry! I probably come across as complaining a lot, but nobody forced me into my current situation.
Yeah, I am often worrying about real vs fake fantasies. Now that I've opened up to liking women, I fantasise about them exclusively and I recognise that my feelings for them are at least stronger. At least, I wanna have a girlfriend not a boyfriend and I feel a tangible pull towards girls i like that I don't think I've quite experienced with guys (but as you said, I feel like I'm investigating my past feelings and colouring the evidence all the time). So I sometimes wonder if my fantasies for guys in the past were just like, sexual gratification when I didn't want to let my self think about girls that didn't mean anything? And then sometimes the memories of that stage in my life just make me feel like I'm much more central on the Kinsey scale than I think and that I'm just going through a super girl loving phase. Very confusing.
Glad to hear I'm not alone on this. It's so confusing. Up until yesterday I'd been feeling a lot less doubtful. Going around in circles!
Beware of the word "just", as in it's "just a fantasy" or "...just like, sexual gratification...". I can assure you that no psychologist would take your fantasies lightly. To me and many others, they are a window into your deepest desires and are worthy of respect. Take them at face value, and see in them the possibilities of fulfillment and change for the better.
Well guess you will "just" have to explore and discover. It seems you, like me, like many others on ECs, we all try to "over think" (analyzes) WAY TO MUCH. Try out some of your fantasies and enjoy. I agree with greatwhale's post. Fantasies are windows into your deep being. (or something like that) ---------- Post added 5th Jul 2016 at 07:51 AM ---------- greatwhale's material
Not, I struggle with this as well. My desire though, at times, becomes very deep and intense. I believe if you can feel it in your bones, it's not a fantasy limited to your mind. Alas, I still battle with it. I think I do that because I'm married and have been for over a decade. Do I try and stifle the feelings or allow them to release? Can I satsify this by watching girl-on-girl porn and talking about it w/my husband (he's not fond of this, at all)? Or do I have to have a woman? Those questions beget others. Do I ask for an open marriage? What's fair to my husband? Am I just horny and wanting to cheat (I don't believe this is the case, but I question nonetheless)? Can I be fair and allow him to be w/other women? Are we opening Pandor's Box, because once the contents come spilling out, it ain't going back in... Ugh, I feel ya. LOL
See this is my problem. With girls I feel something in my bones, not with guys. Guy fantasies work but I'm never feeling that desire in my bones. But I wonder whether that is because liking girls is so difficult and such a shock and such a forbidden desire that it feels intensified or whether it's because I'm just way more into girls. This is why I find it weird trying to call myself bi, becuase I feel like I'm expected to actually desire guys and I don't generally, I just could and possibly will sleep with them and it probably wouldn't be bad. Though I sort of want it to be bad tbh so I can be like, "I found my label! I'm a lesbian!" haha. I just see myself with women because of this feeling in ma bones. But I should stay open since I am early in life (despite being on the late in life forum, sorry I just like the people and the deeper thought here), so even though I've only fallen hard for girls so far, I don't think I've been mature enough to fall for anyone properly until recently and it may happen wirh a guy. My fantasies don't see it though.
I guess I don't understand "real" fantasies versus "fake " ones? Like, all my fantasies are my experience. Are you saying, like, there are some that are persistent and make you want to identify with them and there ate some that are more like trying on clothes in the dressing room to see how they fit, but you might not take them home with you?
Fetishes are about objects, like, being aroused by balloons or shoes or whatever. So, liking women is not a fetish. Cuz, amazing, women are people, not objects.
Its what my husband calls it! Lol... So does a guy at work. They say oh its just something that turns you on... Like a foot thing or something! :icon_bigg WOW!
Thanks, greatwhale. Very insightful and makes a lot of sense. I'm not sure that it's what I wanted to hear, though. Unfortunately I'm not in a position to try out anything. What I'm feeling isn't compatible with my current situation, which I don't like. I can relate to all of this, and I think I've probably asked myself all these questions at some point. For me, (poss. TMI) in fantasies men are part of a scenario, it's never about them directly. I don't find men's bodies attractive, so I don't focus on them. I've tried, it doesn't work. My only real life experience has been with men, and it's OK, I guess, but I wouldn't miss it. I don't initiate it either. Sorry for any confusion. I wasn't trying to make observations and comments about how fantasies work for everyone. For me, there are some that I wouldn't want to experience in real life, and I know that. There are others that I would want to experience in real life, and I know that too. That's the different I meant, and I wasn't trying to imply everyone is the same. Sorry, if I've offended you. I wasn't aiming to upset anyone. To be honest, I'm just clutching at straws. Sort of, but not completely. See my response to Katchoo; that's what I was referring to in my opening post.
Trigger warning: rape fantasy I understand the difference between wanting something in real life fantasies vs fantasies you would never actually want to experience. I think even a fantasy you wouldn't want irl (like being raped obv.) can have an element that might appeal (like a loss of control). That said, I had a dream the other night that my husband opened up our marriage for my 40th bday two years away. Wishful thinking? :lol:
