So my 3 year old daughter asked me to paint her nails which I did. She was very enthusiastic that we were doing it. She asked if her twin brother wanted his nails painted which he did (we've often painted his nails). She made the comment that boys can paint their nails if they want and asked if I wanted to paint my nails (swoon) and I said yes. I sent pictures to my wife and what she saw was a dedicated father indulging his daughter in some fun playtime. She commented that I am such a great father. What I saw was me openly experiencing one of the most wonderful feelings on my hands I've had. Despite their huge size and hairy nuckles, they look and move more femininely. Ugh. These feelings. This is shitty, I cant even try something without feeling guilty and shame like I'm letting everyone down ??:bang:
This is a beautiful and heart-warming story. You are a wonderful parent (*hug*) Can you help me understand how the guilt and shame come into play?
The feeling that I am participating with my daughter just so I have an acceptable way to feel slightly feminine, like I'm using her instead of enjoying her company. The deception of my wife. Etc, etc.
Based on what you wrote, it seems to me that you had a genuine moment with your daughter and son, and that your daughter asked you if you wanted to have your nails painted. As an outside observer, I don't feel that you were using her. You were living in the moment and being genuine. As for your wife, perhaps the guilt is telling you that it's time to come out? The love and support here on EC was instrumental in my coming out as gay, and I'm sure you'll find the same as you prepare to come out as well. (&&&)
Jjanon, First, what a lovely moment with your kids. You've done nothing wrong and this was a special and wonderful moment. It's hard to know when it's the right time to come out to your wife, but what SF said rings true, the guilt could be an indicator that you believe/feel that this is something that you have to do sooner than later. I still think that you would benefit from having a stronger sense of self and that would help you to approach this subject with your wife; through counselling, through some experimenting with this kind of self expression, through building a supportive group of LGBT friends. I know we've talked about the obstacles for you in doing a lot of those things. Is it possible to start broaching the subject slowly to your wife? Through incremental gestures like this?
You're both right. Of course you're right. I'm not sure why its so hard to see things in yourself while its much easier to see things in other people. Human nature I guess. I do think it is guilt about not coming out to my wife that is causing me so much strife. And I also agree with you BaristaJedi that it will probably be easier for me in talking to my wife if I have a more developed sense of self. Given that I've been with my wife so long there really isn't anything (besides the obvious) that I don't talk with my wife about. She has been my rock through all kinds of strife and I'm so used to talking to her about everything. It feels like being rudderless. I want to tell her, I just need to find the right time. I think in a month there will be an opportunity to come out to her where we can have time to discuss. In the meantime I will keep meeting with my counselor.
And a further back fire. I kept the polish on for the 4th of July party we were hosting, since I liked it and as a test. Some people thought it was cute since I had done it with my daughter. But the majority of the people just laughed because it was so ridiculous having this manly guy wearing purple nail polish. Kind of a bummer.
Jeanine, not sure there ever is a right time to express what you need to express. In another month, will you still feel it's not right? If you have such an open communication as you express, I would suggest to speak to her sooner than later. This will start the real healing and enable you to move on from the guilt and shame your feeling.
I advised Jjanon to wait earlier (in the Coming Out section) because her wife is really busy with work etc, but now I am beginning to reconsider that advice since they won't have time together until mid-August and this seems to be eating her up inside. Jjanon, perhaps you should try to find a good time to come out sooner anyway? I also agree with what everyone else already said that you were just being a good parent to your kids. I thought that was really brave of you to wear the nail polish at the 4th of July party and I hope you don't let people get you down. There is a good chance they thought they were laughing with you thinking you were just joking around, because they did not realize that it actually meant something to you. I would honestly just assume you are an open-minded person who doesn't care what people think, and were just indulging your kids. I hope you are feeling better today!
