I am a 49 year old man and have identified as heterosexual all my life. At about the age of 10 I had some same sex experiences, but I understand that this is generally normal. My parents divorced when I was 10 yrs old. I remember getting upset when I was 15 yrs thinking about the thought of being gay, however this soon passed. In my teenage years I was excited by girls and together with my friends enjoyed the chase and subsequent dating. I struggled to make a commitment and chose to date numerous girls which I put down to witnessing my parents’ divorce. My twenties were full of angst, my thirties were much more enjoyable and had several relationships that were loving and satisfying. Yet, I had not met the one who I would settle down with. Moving into my forties I came across Esther Hicks ‘Law of Attraction’, and really embraced it. So much so I imagined my perfect partner and through expectation met her! We fell in love lived together for seven years and eventually married in June 2015. The happiest day of my life. Three months after getting married, my wife and I attended a friend’s wedding which was a great event. Later on in the day I was introduced to a particular boyfriend of one of my wife’s friends and it was then I had a strange very strong feeling of attraction, so much so it made me step back………….. (I had experienced these type of feelings before in a much lesser way and was happy in myself that I am able to appreciate attractive people.) However the next day I pondered on the event and as I had done on very few occasions in my life, I asked myself if I could seriously be gay. The previous reaction would be to reach a short backstop that this would be unappealing and not me…… this didn’t happen. It escalated and escalated and resulted in several weeks of high anxiety with me entering an internal conflict with myself. Unbelievably, it appeared that from deep inside me, feeling were arising that were unstoppable. I clearly recall lying in bed telling myself ‘no more guy thing’ whilst a raw doughnut grew and grew in my solar-plexus. I eventually cracked and broke down to my wife, who was very understanding (she is an amazing woman, very calm, caring and collected). She told me that she loves me no matter what and that if I am gay/bi or other she is ok with it. That was 9 months ago and we are still together. Unfortunately I am struggling to come to terms with some of the changes I have gone through. After several months of fighting feeling with all my might, I realise its futility, it just makes you feel so bad. So I have, with my wife’s blessing, surrendered to the feelings and I am trying to manage the situation as best I can so the quality of our life can improve. We do still make love and I am still attracted to her. Plus I do still notice women and find them attractive but it’s a more dulled than it was before. My attraction to men seems to be to a certain specific type plus I have a range of fantasies that were extremely strong at first but have calmed down to a certain level now. I love my wife more than anything else in the world and I want to make sure that I do the right thing for both of us. I think it would be great to find someone who perhaps has gone through a similar thing, even though I know it’s unusual. Some support would be gratefully received. Thanks for reading. x
Hi Herushi Welcome to EC. I am similar. I am married for 30 years and just recently told my wife I was bisexual. I have known my whole life but have kept it hidden but did not act on it as an adult and have been monogamous. My wife, too, is very accepting. Instead of fighting this, I am embracing my sexuality as a good thing. It is part of what makes me what I am. My wife understands this. Accepting your sexuality is important in feeling good about yourself. There is nothing wrong with being bi or gay. My wife and I are integrating my gay into our marriage. I share my gay fantasies, we attended pride events together and do guy watching and flirting. She has encouraged me to meet other gay and bi men. I am as open and honest with her as I can be and I think that is important in maintaining trust. It sounds like you have been honest too. Are you desiring relationships with men while staying married?
Hi Nick, Thanks for your reply its really good to converse with someone who has an understanding. Tbh right now I'm just trying to feel good about myself as I have taken this very hard. My internal homophobia is very high and this is causing a high level of anxiety, plus this is very new to me. I really thought I knew myself.... I would really like to learn from people like yourself how I can embrace this emerging side of me and also how best to make our marriage work I have no plans to look for a relationship with a man.
Welcome to EC. You'll find a lot of support here. It's good to see you are opening up to your feelings.
Herushi I took a look in the mirror and decided I was a pretty good guy and liked myself. Then I got to thinking about the parts I liked...my sense of humor, caring and generosity. I wondered if I hid part of me (my gay side)...if those traits were because of that...that I would lose some of me. I decided I couldn't pick and choose what parts of me are acceptable. It really is what you are attracted to. That's all. There is nothing wrong with what you feel. I felt my first gay feelings when I was about 12 years old. I was totally innocent. How could these feelings be wrong?
Nick, I agree with your sentiments, as I have always aspired to be authentic. Ironically, prior to this I had been listening/reading to Esther Hicks concerning being who you really are.....Jeez, I guess I'm starting to find out Naturally I am a fixer, whats driven me insane about this is it cant be fixed. I know for my peace of mind it needs to be embraced and my wife and family(brother,mum, step dad - they have all been living the guess my sexuality dream with me!) are all supportive. Making this post today and your response (& Rosepetals) has given me a real lift.
Herushi While I have known my gay feelings for my whole life, I have only recently been really accepting of it. I think I am happier now than I have ever been. Strange...the acceptance of my sexuality and my openness with my wife has improved our intimacy between us. Our sex life is the best it has ever been because I allow my full sexuality to be a part of it. If you are bisexual, as I am, you may find the same. That this could improve your relationships with your wife and with your family.
Nick, I would aspire to this, just need time to readjust. My feelings have always been strong for women, however I turned the ardor off somewhat when I met my wife as I desired monogamy. I wouldn't have thought previously I had gay feelings, however thinking back certain thinks would make me uncomfortable and I would be able to appreciate attractive people. Interestingly, one of my previous girlfriends suggested I could be gay (ironic as I thought she was) which made me pause and reflect introspectively and the overwhelming feeling/answer at the time (2006) was no.... So some context is missing for me and I am trying to gauge what I am. At the moment when I awake in the mornings, its an overwhelmingly crushing feeling that I am gay. Then by lunchtime its subsided to a mixture of both, then in the evening its a more relaxed balance. Needless to say this is all exhausting.... Having said all this my wife and I have just been on holiday for 10 days and had the best time ever, so there is hope. What I need to find is peace of mind as I am constantly grinding the gears on this.
I'm so happy your wife is so supportive to you. I think that if you have internalised homophobia you must first work through this in order to become at peace with yourself.
Heroshi If you are continuing to struggle with accepting your sexuality, it may be worthwhile to get some therapy from someone experience in LGBT issues to guide you a bit.
Welcome! I went through a fairly similar circumstance 2 years ago. My husband is generally accepting and ok with my bisexuality, but doesn't seem to get the impact my realization had on me. (I had experiences in high school with female friends, but never integrated bisexual into my identity, and it was a major shock to me, if not to him - he knew about my history.) I'm trying to make this quick, but we are trying to work through what I need as a bisexual woman, and what he's ok with. I love him, am attracted to him, and want to stay married to him. I also want to be with women again emotionally as close friends and sexually if the relationship goes that way. For now, the sexual part is off the table. He tries to make up for it ... We are having more satisfying sex, but it's not the same thing.
Hi Herushi! Welcome to EC. I am bisexual, married, and monogamous. It is possible, and it is working for me and my wife. I've been attracted to both men and women for a long time. Interestingly, I also had a prior girlfriend tell me she thought I was bisexual, before I even said anything to her. I saw a lot of myself in your post. My guess is that your orientation is bisexual. I'd encourage you to read and learn more, to zero in on it yourself. I have decided to embrace my bi orientation and come out publicly. I've had a sincere desire to be my true self for a long time, and now I'm making it happen... coming out, participating in PrideFest, being a part of the LGBT world. My wife is very supportive. She does want monogamy, as do I, so this, for me, is about identity and truth. Monogamy is not for everyone, but it is working for us, and I'm happy. Keep posting, and good luck on your journey!
Thank you for all the supportive posts, really helps. I am really struggling with all of this can anyone recommend a therapist in the UK/London/anywhere who can help with these issues? Feeling totally lost and very scared.... ---------- Post added 8th Jul 2016 at 10:26 AM ---------- Hi Bi2me, I think I understand the scale of the impact on you as I too am really struggling with the changes I have experienced. I am 9 months in and trying to feel better, as if I fight the feeling its is awful. I am concerned over my marriage as the feeling are strong and I am not sure I can resolve this staying with my wife... Do you have any advice regarding coping and feeling better, I wish I could offer you some support also.. Herushi x ---------- Post added 8th Jul 2016 at 10:29 AM ---------- Hi Adray Thanks for your reply I really wish I could feel OK with my situation as you do but this is all so new for me at the moment. I am struggling to reconcile the gay feelings and staying with my wife.....does it get better or I guess its different for everyone, we are unique.
you can get access to a therapist or counsellor via the nhs by visiting your gp and asking for a referral. you do not have to discuss how you are feeling with your gp, if you don't feel comfortable.but it would help if you did and it is totally confidential. there is also a resource on this website with regard to counsellors etc per location,and I can't find it so I hope that someone will be able to provide that. if you get in touch with a moderator they will surely be able to provide this for you however I found this in the meantime; Pink Therapy | We are the UK's largest independent therapy organisation working with gender and sexual diversity clients.
Hey Herushi, Have you ever read through this website: Mixed-Orientation Marriage Pathways to Success? I find it to be helpful, especially because I'm choosing to stay with my wife despite coming out to her five months ago. There are many things I want to do to explore my gay side and reading this has helped me figure out how to do so in a way that protects the relationship I want with my wife. To me this is about not jumping into the deep end of the gay pool. I had this gay pressure building inside me for years so by the time I cracked like you did it's because all I could think about was being with a guy 24/7. But this website asks to slow down and take baby steps. Have I considered open marriages and such? Absolutely, but I know things are still too raw. I haven't even joined any gay / bi groups yet because I want to make sure my wife and I are secure in our own relationship first. Is this ideal for everyone? Absolutely not, but based on the fact that you're still with your wife and continue to enjoy making love I thought I'd throw this out there.
Hi, Big thanks to HereWeGo as I followed the link and it was truly helpful. Big thanks to N3Ko ive now found a therapist and see them tomorrow for the first time I had a better day today and I am learning to appreciate who I am. Also big thanks to my wife as she is not only beautiful but my best friend x
Hey Herushi, Good luck on the therapy. It has helped me tremendously to put things in perspective. You may ask your therapist if there are any support groups for you to join. Hearing first hand similar stories can be helpful.
