Scoping out dates, counselling session, and other things in my mind

This became a wall of text...I'm going to break it into sections so you can read or skip whatever you want:


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So....my husband and I are finally officially starting our open marriage! :icon_bigg I was feeling anxious and scared about it a couple of days ago, but now feeling very happy. I've started messaging women on a dating site, and I already got 1 response from a very cute girl who seems like lots of fun. So I'm hoping that starts moving forward. I have to exercise some balance of patience and proactive persistence, which I find hard to do in some sense - because the momentum I have to move forward makes me feel so many feelings, and I feel over eager and very emotionally invested in the next step. I just want so bad to get to that point where I'm kissing a woman, if that makes sense.


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In the meantime I spend a lot of time thinking about how gay I feel and wondering how I will end up labelling myself in the end, and that leads to all the implications of how it impacts my life, what decisions I'll make. And that's where it gets messy. I talked about the labelling confusion in counselling yesterday.

That reminds me- I won't have counselling next week because she's away, and that really bums me out. Anyway, I talked about this with her and it felt so good to say a lot of these things out loud. How gay I feel. How I want so much at this point in some ways to just say I'm gay, be gay and get on with it. Gay, I even just love finding s chance to use the word, it's a word that makes me happy. Anyway, I talked also about how I'm wrestling still with the labels. How as clear as I am on what I feel, how damn confused I am and how that weird paradox of clarity and confusion has always been an issue with my understanding of my sexuality. There's something about the fact that I'm pretty fucking gay, but more than just a little bit not (the not gay feelings can sometimes be strong), that has always made it difficult for me to find and feel confident in the path I want to take to live out my sexuality authentically.

I'm not sure if any of that makes sense. I love being able to use the word gay to describe myself, especially out loud. That was such a nice feeling. But I still feel like something stands in the way of feeling like I've found my home in that label.


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I'm wanting to be out doing stuff in the world right now, seeing how my feelings play out during the day as I interact with others, but I'm home with my daughter today and yesterday (she's not feeling well). It's been a nice break to be with her actually. And I've slept in a bit. But I'm wanting to see what I feel when I see my crush, wondering if I can behave like a human around her, rather than feel so much everytime we look at eachother or pass eachother in the office.

So.... Anyway that's just a bunch of random stuff I'm feeling today. How are you guys all doing??

 

Thanks Rosepetals! I feel really good about this step. It's funny because I was thinking today, the ups are so nice but the downs, even if there's no real reason for them, can be so emotional and intense. Do you feel that sometimes too?

---------- Post added 7th Jul 2016 at 04:25 PM ----------

Thanks Jjanon! I can't wait for things to really move forward...

---------- Post added 7th Jul 2016 at 04:30 PM ----------

Thanks OTH, this is such a helpful bit of advice, I'm so focused on me and my journey, but of course dating is so much about learning about new people. I have to keep that in mind, to be a good listener and to focus not so much on my experience.

I'll try to keep your insight in mind as well in terms of not getting too disappointed or hurt as I go along. I'm so emotionally invested in all of this, it's hard to keep a clear perspective.

 

This is good to hear that I'm "normal".

Case in point, today, i was a bit surprised by my crush getting off of the bus behind me. the shock and just loveliness of seeing her face in the morning put me in a great mood. We chatted as we walked into the office and since then all morning my feelings just keep going up and down, all related to the way it feels to talk to her, like the loveliness and warmth, but also the, I just want, I don't even know how to articulate exactly what, maybe the word 'want' is enough. And that 'wanting' feeling leaves me with a painful twist to it all. Like I just want so much to be closer to her. She's so lovely.

How am I going to contain myself on my first date? I don't mean that I will "jump" my date, I just mean all that energy, that wanting.... it aches sometimes so much.

 

Thanks for the encouragement Katchoo

---------- Post added 8th Jul 2016 at 06:05 AM ----------

Oh, I feel your pain, and I'm saying that literally, not as a figure of speech. I can just imagine how difficult that would be. I'm concerned about the same issue with finding a place to be alone. I'm not going to do well with not moving forward in that area...

 

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So how do you manage to do this in practice, the balance between sharing and listening?

I feel like I'm sort of lately becoming more and more of an open book, where as before I was very private and closed off.