So this example of vulnerability may not be for everyone's liking, but given the experience and following confidence boost, I wanted to share it: After dinner one night last week, my partner asked if I would be open to going to an all naked party at a local bar. I looked at him and laughed assuming he was joking. He then showed me the event on his phone browser and I realized he was serious. He had been himself once before about three years ago, told me how nervous he was when he went, and wanted to check it out again. I was extremely nervous, hesitant and anxious, but the first thing that came to mind was the notion of vulnerability that we have all been discussing. And so I decided to make myself vulnerable and go. I should also mentioned how I never really did feel great about my body, but figured maybe this will help. We got there, went to the coat check room and proceeded to get undressed. There were already a bunch of people there, all naked! After we undressed, I immediately went to the bar and for a drink with my partner. Before long, we were both relaxing, laughing and started talking to other people. There definitely were some hot guys there; but, most of the guys turned out to be very similar to me. Mid aged men with average bodies. We mingled and had a few drinks. Met other guys while we were there, and had a great time. By the time we left, I actually had a new appreciation for how I looked compared with others; and it was a massive boost of confidence. Well, it's a week later, and I am still feeling the euphoria from the night. Not only do I feel better about my physical appearance, but I feel as if I experienced a part of gay culture that I otherwise would have never done on my own (and thought no longer existed). This is obviously a rather extreme case of vulnerability, but wow was it completely worthwhile; and wanted to share it.
That sounds like an insanely liberating experience! Also very scary though haha. Well done for going through with it and it's cool that you got so much out of it. I think a bit of shyness and nervousness is just our brain anticipating that something awful might happen in a vulnerable situation, so when you make yourself so entirely vulnerable and nothing bad happens, in fact you actually have a great time, it makes sense that it would boost your confidence profoundly. It's probably something people should do more, but you have to get over jumping into that sort of situation in the first place I suppose. Nice one.
Good for you, OTH! You may be surprised to learn that your friendly neighourhood greatwhale is a member, in good standing (which is all you can do, except sit), of a Meetup group for naturist gay guys. We have tons of fun, and get together around the holidays, Halloween, and well just because. We come in all shapes, colours and sizes, and once you shed the textiles (in naturist parlance) you very quickly realize that beneath our finery, we all pretty much look the same...With Montreal being rather multi-cultural, there are quite a few languages spoken as well, and the people who participate range from highly paid professionals (doctors, lawyers, architects), to part-time labourers. In that context, none of that matters (which is a great thing about vulnerability, it can be shared!). So glad you found the courage to be vulnerable (and there are few things more vulnerable that displaying our less-than-perfect bodies for all to see)!
One of my problems (of which i have several) with Brené Brown's work in shame and vulnerability is that she doesn't really address (except in very brief, glancing statements) certain topics that are still big issues for her. One of the biggest, *especially* for gay men, is body image. The event you went to sounds like a blast. What people who have never been to clothing-optional or nudist events don't seem to realize is... nudity and sex aren't inherently related. Nor are touch and sex inherently related. Events like this are non-sexual. And both nudity and appropriate, nonsexual touch (hugs, etc) can happen within bounds of safety, mutual respect, and trust. For most people, once you get past the first 15 minutes or so, you really don't even notice that you aren't wearing clothes. The interesting thing is... these sorts of activities are things that most people tell themselves they'd be absolutely mortified to go to, and could never do, for exactly the reasons that OnTheHighway describes. Concern about their own body image. For men, fear of getting an erection (which, actually, almost never happens.) Fear of being judged. And yet, for those who can actually push beyond their fears... the response is nearly always exactly what OnTheHighway describes. I taught a semester-long class in therapeutic massage for a number of years at a small college. (Among other things, I hold national and state certifications in massage therapy.) And one of the things I figured out pretty early was that these issues -- the intertwining in the mind of the association between sex and nudity, or touch and nudity -- got in the way of the therapist's ability to be comfortable working with the client. So we did a lot of exercises that pushed people's boundaries in a safe way and helped them to develop more comfort with body image. Many students said that the improved comfort with their own bodies was one of the single most important things they got out of their college education. But... nobody wants to talk about it. Look at OnTheHighway's first statement... "May not be to everyone's liking"... it is that fear that we'll offend others, or that they will judge us, because we choose to deconstruct society's shame surrounding body, nudity, and body image, that creates enormous shame for those who choose to confront their body image issues. Of course, one has to be sensitive to others who may be shocked or offended. One can't just wander around their neighborhood naked (at least, not in most places...) But when you really deconstruct and look at why society views nudity the way it does... you find that it's basically for an outmoded, judgmental reason that really has no reason for being. OnTheHighway, this sounds like it was an awesome step for you. I applaud anyone for taking these sorts of risks. And I think, for those that do, the impact that comes out of it can be long-lasting and powerful.
I wondered for years what the big deal with nudity is. Through the years, I have been nude with many of my close friends...male and female. Maybe it is the activities...rafting, skiing, biking and surfing where it can be a real hassle to try to remain modest while changing clothes or bathing. I do notice that my generation (mid-fifties now) was less worried about the nudity than the younger friends I hang out with now. Are we becoming more concerned with body image these days?
In reference to spontaneous erections, I have a funny anecdote... There was a guy during one of our get-togethers that I didn't recognize, he was new. I was later told that he was straight...and yet, he was the only one among us with a ramrod straight erection, I'm sure it went down from time to time, but every time I looked (which is an art in such situations: looking without seeming to look), his flagpole was in the upright position...
...and thinking about this further, I also continue to ask myself, will the continued practice of making myself vulnerable help me resolve all of my shame challenges once and for all? At a minimum, I know how it has helped me build confidence and self esteem while significantly diminishing shame. And while I appreciate how shame may never be completely resolved, it sure would be great if it could be! Well, no harm in continuing to challenge myself. As a friend once told me, I certainly never hesitate to take on a challenge and take the punches. And if the best it gets is where I am at now, I am sure I can be satisfied with that. But I am a self admitted perfectionist. And that would otherwise suggest reaching complete resolution to shame. My partner continues to tell me there is no such thing as perfection. And at this point, I should start to take that advice.
Overcoming shame is definitely a practice. When I was at the professional training learning to facilitate The Daring Way (Brené's curriculum to take people through the process of confronting and overcoming shame, and learning to understand your own reactions to it), one of the pieces that she and the faculty kept reiterating is that we never completely rid ourselves of shame... but we learn to identify, understand, and handle it so that it no longer affects us. And that's what shame resilience work is all about. Here's a piece that you might not want to hear (if you haven't already)... perfection is shame. Perfection is the 50 ton shield that attempts to protect us from vulnerability. We think "Oh, next time, I can do it perfectly"... except that we can't, and don't, and it becomes a downward spiral of further shame. There's a difference between shame and healthy striving, and it's complex and nuanced... I've asked Brené about it and she's talked about it at length in some of her presentations... but in short, healthy striving is accepting and loving ourselves exactly where we are, and still allowing the possibility that we can continue to strive to be better. Not perfect, but better. But the key is in being happy with where we are at that moment (which also feeds into Kristin Neff's work on self-compassion.) Since you're in London, you may want to check out the wonderful workshops put on by the TheQuestAwaitsYou.com people. We've promoted their events in the past. They work with gay men, have been trained in Brené's Daring Way, and their workshops are powerful and life-changing. I think you'd find them a great "next step" when you're ready.
My 8 year old is in therapy for his perfectionism/anxiety/what I perceive as shame (for G only knows what - he's 8!)... pretty much exactly what I've been working through most of my life. The upside, is that I get to work through some of my issues (at least the non LGBT ones - we haven't gotten there yet) with his therapist during the last few minutes of his sessions
Wow, OTH, what a powerful experience! I've never heard of these kinds of events, and I'd love to challenge myself to something like this. There's something so symbolic and also, of course, tangibly powerful in being completely naked. I can imagine as well, that it allows for a sense of openness and a freedom in simply being yourself. I do think that continuing this on occasion would only strengthen the experience, so I'd say go for it. But I think your partner is right, in that there is no such thing as perfection. Still there's no harm in continuously pushing yourself in shedding shame and to become ever more comfortable in yourself .
Actually, it's exactly what I need to continue to hear. Chip, your not the first one to express this to me, and you definitely will not be the last! Whether it's a counselor, my partner, others, repeatedly I am told that perfection is not the answer. Now it's time for me to believe in myself enough so it does not need to be! Interestingly, you are the first to have help me actually make the connection between shame and perfectionism; where the concept just might register in my head. Yes, I have been advised about this before as well, but it never really seemed to sink in - until now. Greatwhale mentioned Quest to me some time ago. I had been hesitant to try it out after reading up on it given other resources I had been utilizing. But It might seem to be the right program at the right time for me now; so worthy of me checking it out. Thanks for bringing it up again. ---------- Post added 8th Jul 2016 at 03:09 AM ---------- He is a smart man indeed!
