1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

A letter

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, Jul 8, 2016.

  1. baristajedi

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2015
    Messages:
    2,838
    Likes Received:
    828
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    My counsellor made a suggestion to me at my last counselling session, to write a letter to my younger self, to talk to myself at an age when I was going through the trauma of abuse. I decided to do that and a little more. I have decided to start by writing a letter to myself at an age before all of that. And I plan to continue to write a series of letters to myself at ages when I went through particularly hard times.

    This first letter, even though it's mostly positive, actually moved me a lot, brought tears to my eyes, to focus on the things I feel I may have lost at some points in my life.

    Here is my first letter, to myself before things started to really change in my life:


    ---------

    Hi 4 year old me - I'm really proud of who you are. And I'm so glad that you are too. There are some things about you I want you to take note of: first, your bravery - you want to do it all and you don' t care if it's scary or seems insurmountable. It's why you've already got so many bumps and bruises and scars. There's going to be more of those! It's why you stood up for your brother against M, tackled him to the ground, when he was being a bully, without giving it much thought. That's not the last time you'll do that either.


    I also want you to remember, second, your sense of self: you know you, and you don't give much thought to what others think of that. You want to look "like a boy", as you always put it, and you don't feel much concern that you are a bit different from other girls. You are proud of being sporty, that you like to play rough. You are happy to be exactly who you are.

    I want you to remember, third, your confidence - for one thing, you love your body. It's strong and flexible and you love the way it feels to run and jump and push your body to try new things. You like your arms, your belly, your skin. You especially like your long legs, you know you're going to be tall, like your brother and your Dad. You're also proud of other things, you think you're clever and strong and fun and funny. And you know what, all of that is true. And you'll find through the years that you're also kind and compassionate and loving.


    And that's another thing I want you to remember, you're lovable, and beautiful and wonderful.


    I want you to remember all of these beautiful things about you, because not long from now, and for many of the years ahead, you're going to forget those things about yourself. And you're going to question so much about yourself.

    You're going to at times, hate yourself, hate your own skin and your own body. And you will think your inner thoughts and the person you are is broken. You're going to go through a lot of dark thoughts and feelings.

    And one day, well now, you will look back and think about exactly who you were before all of these things started crashing down and before your sense of self became warped and you started to make decisions and to choose paths that feel instinctively wrong, but somehow safer. And on the other hand, there will be other paths you choose that feel just as instinctively wrong and feel very much *unsafe*, and you will wonder what the hell you are doing. And you will feel lost, and you will be drifting, and you will feel at many points like you've lost yourself and you don't even know who you are anymore.

    So for now, I just want you to think about these things I've mentioned about who you are, this is a person you should be proud of. I want you to love that person, to love you, and to be proud of who you are.
     
    #1 baristajedi, Jul 8, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2016
  2. baristajedi

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2015
    Messages:
    2,838
    Likes Received:
    828
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I meant to ask - would you find this helpful to do this for yourself? What would you write in your letter?
     
  3. Katchoo

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2016
    Messages:
    836
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Georgia, USA
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Jedi,

    I dont have time right now to read your whole letter, but it looks wonderful, and I'm so proud of you for doing it. I can imagine that would be really emotional. I want to do that sometime. I think it would be really helpful, help me feel like I love myself, help me feel less fragmented and more whole.
     
  4. baristajedi

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2015
    Messages:
    2,838
    Likes Received:
    828
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    It felt really powerful to write it. I am trying to get in touch with these moments and learn to forgive myself and understand my choices and the paths I have taken with more compassion.
     
  5. yuanzi

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 17, 2015
    Messages:
    251
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Upstate NY
    I read it and I am glad it is helping you deal with what you have been through. Like you said, learning to forgive oneself is one of the most important lessons many of us are learning or have yet to learn. Forgiving does not equal forgetting. We can still learn from our experience and not repeat the same mistakes without forever indulging in self blame or self pity.

    Would I write a letter to my younger self? I am not sure. As far as my memory goes back, I have never had an 'innocent and happy' period in my life. I was never physically abused but I have always been extremely cynical of most things. I do wish I was braver though. There are things that I should have done 10-15 years ago that I am just starting to do in the past 5 years. Better late than never right...

    Hugs to you(&&&)
     
  6. QuestionMark99

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 15, 2016
    Messages:
    84
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Nope
    Gender:
    Male
    I read once that people who struggle with self-esteem or self-hate should try directing all the negative things they think and say about themselves toward their childhood self. Most people will see how cruel and unfair this is, as if they are talking to another person/child entirely, and realize how mean you treat yourself as an adult. Why doesn't grown-up YOU deserve the same respect & compassion that childhood YOU deserves? It is the same person after all, right?

    I think what you're doing baristajedi, is a similar type thing and can be very helpful for all of us - even if we just do it privately. I read what you wrote and found it quite touching and sweet myself. I'm just a random internet stranger but I wish you the best!
     
  7. baristajedi

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2015
    Messages:
    2,838
    Likes Received:
    828
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks for the hugs yuanzi. :slight_smile: my counsellor actually suggested that I write the letter to myself at the age I experienced trauma, so perhaps writing a letter to yourself at a difficult time in your life could help you. I'm going to write more letters to me at the difficult points as well. There's stuff in my past I've not even brought here; even more personal I suppose than my closet and the sexual abuse. I suppose that surprises me to realise that there are things I'm even too ashamed still to talk about here.

    Better late than never is certainly right! We all have different paths, some of us windier than others. We're working towards living our truth now. You're doing great!

    ---------- Post added 9th Jul 2016 at 02:45 AM ----------

    Thanks question mark, there is so much truth to what you say, that we deserve the compassion we would give our younger selves. It's hard to really take in that truth though sometimes. I am not, for instance so easy on 7 year old me. I'm trying to wrap my head around the idea that 7 really is so young, and so vulnerable. It sounds simple but I've had so much trouble over the years with that.
     
  8. LostInDaydreams

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2016
    Messages:
    4,300
    Likes Received:
    2,096
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    This is an interesting idea. Thank you for sharing. It's good to hear that's it's helped you.

    I'm not sure that I'd have the patience to write a whole letter. :slight_smile: I'd probably just tell myself not worry so much about everything, and live a bit more in the now, rather than focusing so much on the future. If only I could take my own advice!
     
  9. baristajedi

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2015
    Messages:
    2,838
    Likes Received:
    828
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks NotMyName! And that sounds like great advice. Something I need to tell myself at many points as well.