I don't really know where to start. because this has been the most emotional experience I've ever gone through in my life. after setting a date to come out to her 4 weeks ago I barely got the courage to tell her last Sunday. and it's been nothing short of a roller coaster since. I guess ill start with the initial conversation first which went something like this. I had a speech planned out and knew what I wanted to say, and as I was starting to give it I could tell her anxiety was going nuts, because she started yelling things at me during the conversation. like YOU WANT TO DIVORCE!!!, I said no. YOUR CHEATING!!!, again no. as it was obvious she was upset she kept pushing me saying, what is it? get to the point! as I got to the end of my speech it went like this. ME: so you know I've been seeing this therapist for a while, but there is something you don't know about her she specializes in something specific WIFE: what is it tell me!!! ME: ughhhh (I was really having a hard time getting the words out) WIFE: tell me now or ill leave!!! ME: ughhhh she specializes in LGBT issues... WIFE: YOUR GAY!!! ARNT YOU? ME: yeah I am...:icon_sad: WIFE: I f***ing knew it!!! ME: so you knew I was gay? WIFE: no but I had a hunch. I even thought you were gay before I got with you, but you reassured me you weren't. After that it was kinda a blur. things got real emotional real quick, and I really don't know how to handle it. she continued to be angry with me which I expected. saying things to me like you f**ked up my life, how could you do this to me, if your gay you should have known the whole time and told me sooner, I don't know what I'm going to do anymore people are going to think I'm an idiot, I just want to die, just kill me I cant live like this anymore you might have well just killed me ill never be the same you ruined me. After hearing the things she was saying to me I instantly started feeling guilty, she definitely made it a point to let me know it was my fault I messed up her life. the next day however was a little different. when we woke up she decided she wanted to go see her best friend 2 hours away, and that she was going to be there all day. but 30 min after she leaves she calls me and says she doesn't want to leave the kids on fourth of July and she's on her way home but be prepared to spend money. I'm like ok? she wanted to go to the mall and shop. which I assumed was a coping method to make her happy. I was surprised to have a casual conversation on the way there, she even asked who my celebrity crush was (Gus kenworthy shout out lol.) we were doing ok at that point but later she really started to question weather I was even gay. and preceded to convince myself and her that I was bisexual and that things are going to work out between us. It got messy and complicated with the questions, and I was starting to question myself and my motives again. (but looking back now I was just trying to sympathize with her because I felt guilty for causing this pain to her) when we got home later she started making moves on me and we just ended up having sex like we were teenagers again, and afterward she would basically ask me questions like. if you were gay then how could you get excited about having sex with me? I made a big mistake by lying to her and telling her I enjoyed every minute of it. (I couldn't help but pretend she was a guy during sex to get off.) I kinda fessed up to it the following day but not fully. by the 3rd day things were still messy but I felt like we were making progress. I had told her about straight spouse network, and even showed her a ted talk video about "the other side of the closet". but she was still pretty depressed all day and didn't get out of bed much, but I was surprised she was being resourceful by herself by talking to people online about her situation and what she can do about it. she told me that day she didn't want help from me at all and that I was the problem in her life. but she did reach out to a therapist which I was happy about. and at least for the rest of the day we were able to communicate about what the future was going to hold for us. were we going to have an open marriage? or was divorce our only option? and we talked, and talked , and talked. our biggest problem was that we still love each other. and we didn't want our marriage to fail. by the fourth day I really thought we were making progress. my wife found a support group for straight spouses, which I was happy about, and we had both agreed to separate, but no divorce at this point. because I was her "everything" she has no job, no home, and the cars are in my name. so she still needs me to support her for a while. so I told her I would transfer the family car into her name. and ill keep her on our joint bank account for the time being until she can get things figured out. but she has decided to stay at her parents house with the kids. which I believe is best for now. I just wanted to make this transition as easy as possible for her. but that evening she had called me and said something to me that made me feel wonderful. she told me that she loves me and wants to support me in anyway she can, and that I deserve to be loved the way I'm supposed to be, she wanted me to go explore myself and do what I need to, to be happy. she told me that she knows what gay people have to go through she's grown up with gay people her whole life and has seen the struggles they face, and that she really sympathizes what I'm going through and hopes we can still be friends at the end of this. I couldn't help but cry at the end of the conversation she made me feel so good. at that point I couldn't have hoped for a better outcome. but then today happened, and all the good vibes from the night before went completely out the window, I honestly cannot say what happened but my wife flipped a switch today, she woke up massively depressed and angry at me, and it never went away all day, she blamed me for everything that was wrong with her life even if I had nothing to do with it. she called me a POS, the worst human on the planet. and told me I f***ed up everyone in my entire family's life, especially my kids. because I was a selfish d*ck. basically she wanted me to burn in hell. and on top of the anger she told me multiple times how much she wanted to kill herself. it got so bad I was having basically an anxiety attack and was on the verge of calling to suicide hotline for her. but after talking to her mom who was with her all day she reassured me she had it under control so I believed her. even though it still leaves me kinda uneasy. there isn't to much I can do from here. but she has definitely made me feel like the lowest piece of s*it ever today, using everything she could against me verbally. I'm trying to sympathize with her because I know these reactions are part of the 5 stages of loss. and what I put her through has to hurt. but today has left me feeling extremely depressed and tired. I'm glad she has a support group of friends and family where she's at. but for me I have no real friends my wife was honestly my only friend, and the one "friend" who knows I'm gay lives 3 states away. as I sit here alone in this empty house writing this, I just want to thank the wonderful people of EC who understand what its like to go through this. without you guys I don't know what I would do. tomorrow is a new day and I hope it gets better, because I have felt nothing but worse off since coming out to my wife.
Hi Bluesteel, Wow, first, I'm so sorry for the pain and struggle of how things have been unfolding for you in coming out. But I also want to say, congratulations on making his huge, difficult and brave step! Your wife is obviously going through a lot of raw emotions and saying and doing hurtful things as a response. I'm so sorry you feel you don't have anyone to talk to. I know how isolating this can feel! I want to write more and i probably will a bit later. I just want to give you a hug, and a bit of support. (*hug*) Keep writing and sharing your feelings here, we're all here to support you.
thank you so much. I know its early in the morning but I cant sleep right now, as I'm siting here crying over my computer. your words mean so much to me right now, thank you for the hug. it means a lot to me.
Here's another, bigger one (&&&) I'm in the uk so it's actually a bit later here and I will be around to listen to whatever's on your mind if you feel like saying what you're feeling right now. By the way, I appreciate you mentioning the Ted talk, I just watched, it was excellent.
thank you, baristajedi your the best. I honestly don't know how I feel right now, im just kinda emotionally numb from all the pain I've felt from the past few days, it has really hurt me all the things she has said to me. at one point I really thought she understood, and idk maybe she does. but she is obviously trying to make me feel as much pain as she can. and im just letting her because of the guilt I feel from doing this to her. your welcome the ted talk really gave me insight as to what the straight spouse is going through as well.
I know how painful this can be, especially at this point when you feel so alone. Do you have any LGBT support systems to reach out to? I just realised yesterday, that now going on about 9 or 10 months since coming out, I finally feel like I have a group of "real" LGBT friends, and when I'm at the centre, I know all the faces, and make small talk with everyone. Going to my LGBT centre and coming on here got me through the most painful part of this process, it really has, I can't say that strongly enough. Your wife is certainly being hurtful to you and I know how that feels. My husband expressed it differently but he has and still is hurtful towards me about it. Just keep reminding yourself, you're doing your best, and you didn't create this painful situation, you were in the closet for a lot of reasons, much as a response to the hateful messages you'd likely taken to heart about being gay. You are moving forward now, and your wife will heal and you will be able to live authentically and true to you.
The closest LGBT center to me is in Los Angeles, but that's 2 hours away from me. But I have most definitely thought about driving down there. Actually now that I am out to my wife it will be easier for me. I do try my best to keep my head up during this. It's definitely not easy. But I know I have to do it for my sake. Thank you for the encouragement.
Hey Bluesteel. So sorry for you now. You did do the only thing you really could do. Your sexuality is part of you and not your fault. Hopefully, your wife will come around. She needs some time to process. You may feel that you need to be trying to take care of everyone now. But, remember to take care of yourself. If there is some thing where you find some "zen", try and get there for a bit. Take care.
Hi, Bluesteel. I'm so happy for you coming out to her. It's a major step, and you being brave enough to make it is awesome. Your wife is in a grief process right now as she's lost the "perfect" marriage in her eyes. Even if you stayed together, knowing you're gay would be a loss in some ways, even if it helps gain in others. Because it's a grief process, it will follow all the normal steps of one: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. She will alternate back and forth between them for a while. I understand how hard that is to go through, but it will lead both of you to a better place. Keep your head up and keep moving forward.
Congratulations on coming out to your wife. It takes a huge amount of courage to plan and follow through on that very difficult conversation. You should be very proud of yourself for taking this very important step in your journey towards living authentically. Her reactions are very normal and typical. Please understand that you dropped a bomb on her. The reality is that you will continue to experience a roller coaster of emotions from her as she processes the news, which will take time. Try to immunize yourself against the guilt that she's trying to fling your way. You are as much a victim as she is because you grew up in a homophobic environment which generated internalized homophobia that made it difficult for you to accept yourself earlier in life. You did the best you could growing up in that environment. Please don't let her anger and guilt make you feel bad about yourself. You are not breaking up the family; you will still be the dad of your children. The family will transition to a different structure. As for friends, try to find some LGBT meetups or support groups. Right now it's best to associate with other gay dads who have done through a similar experience (IRL or EC). The next few months are not going to be fun, as you work through your wife's hurt and anger. The good news is that if you can push through it, there will be a handsome reward for you on the other side! I was in a similar situation myself (angry wife spewing guilt and homophobic remarks), and after we worked through it I eventually got a to a place where life started to get better as I began to live more authentically. This won't happen overnight; it took me about a year to get to a place where life starts to be amazing and all the pain of coming out is worth it. Another thing to keep in mind is that you will become a stronger person as you progress along your journey, so things will get easier as you become a stronger person. Hang in there and keep on posting to EC. (&&&) #sfpost
I can totally relate to the hurtful comments coming your way. The same came my way a few months back. She's hurt and angry and lashing out as her world has been turned upside down. It will get better though and you will sort things out and settle into a new normal in time. Keep strong and hang around here where you will find some allies. Mayen think about some friends to talk to to lean on? ---------- Post added 8th Jul 2016 at 09:07 AM ---------- Maybe no Mayen!
Blue, I'm so sorry for your struggles!! That must be so difficult. Her comments do not reflect who you are and she's speaking from being in her own pain. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I believe it is the first time I'm replying to you, so I just wanted to say it's nice to meet another Southern Californian. LOL. Please take this hour by hour, knowing her words say nothing about you as a person. You are fine man who is just having a bit of struggle at the moment, but it will pass, as easy as that sounds. Hugs to you, friend!!
Hi Bluesteel, Sorry to hear that you're going through a difficult time. I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to say, that what you've done is so, so brave. I hope things get better for you soon.
I would just amplify what Sienna said: there will continue to be wild mood swings, but they will modify over time until your lives become more "normal" (the new normal). Since you have children, it's important that you try your utmost to emerge from this as friends. Congratulations on coming out, and rest assured, it will get better.
Bluesteel, Congrats on coming out to your wife. I am going through the same things right now, as I recently came out to my wife as gay. While my wife hasn't gotten outwardly angry, she has internalized her anger and had swings from acceptance, to sadness, to placing guilt on herself for not addressing her suspicions earlier, to empty accusations of infidelity. We have recently begun seeing a therapist and are exploring all possible scenarios for our marriage. Also, I have contacted a lawyer to discuss possibilities should we decide to divorce, which I feel that we will eventually. I have two children in their teens and they are aware that something is "going on" but not sure what. I know that I am feeling that me living out as a gay man will be the best for us all in the long run. Know that you have massive support here at EC and know that contact with a gay and married/ gay dad support group is helpful. I have recently made contact with one and will be going to meetings soon (two hour drive). Best of luck!
Hi, Bluesteel. I'll echo the comments of everyone else: You're incredibly courageous in taking this step, and what you're experiencing is entirely normal. In reading about your wife's reaction, it is pretty much textbook classic, all the way through, with the five stages of loss: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. And the moving back and forth between stages is also textbook classic. In other words, as difficult as it is, this is pretty much the experience that most people go through in processing loss. There's one piece you mentioned that I want to amplify and want you to think about, and that's the part where she said "I suspected, I even thought you were gay before I got with you". Therapist Joe Kort has written about this, and nis experience, in nearly all cases, the wife knew or suspected long before the husband told her. I suspect that there were other signs and other questions throughout the marriage. And this is important because it means this isn't all your fault. She was complicit in ignoring the warning signs and pretending they weren't there. Of course, there's no need to tell her any of this... but for you, being aware of that and thinking about it as she rants about how you've ruined her life will perhaps help you to understand that this really was something for which both of you must take some responsibility. It does sound like, on the whole, she is taking it rather well and is going to be willing to be reasonable. I think the best thing you can do is simply honor the difficulties she's having, let her vent, and be as supportive as you can be. I think things will get better given time, you'll just have to weather the storm in the mean time. Sharing your experience here will definitely help as well.
Sorry I haven't posted for a day or so, my life has been in chaos and I really haven't had time. since my wife found out the ball has been rolling quite fast. I knew it would because both our family's are close with each other, she has told most of her family members and I had to tell my aunt today which she was really supportive and I'm so thankful for. even though I have my moments I'm doing ok today. my wife hasn't been mean to me today either. I'm actually quit relieved to hear what she is going through is normal I was starting to get worried. and I'm fortunate that when she's having ok moments she is able to communicate well with me. she asked me if it was ok to out me to some of her family members. I told her absolutely my whole goal here was to get out of this stupid closet. and she has respected my will to not tell certain members of my family (mom, step dad, brother ect). except one moment yesterday when she was upset she threatened to call my mom. (not cool). The biggest support honestly came from my in laws. my father in law has 4 gay siblings. and my mother in law has gay nieces and nephews. so they have always been pro LGBT, they both called me to let me know how much they still love me and care about me, and just to let me know that they are there for me with whatever I need. I actually saw my mother in law yesterday and she hugged me for a minute straight and cried with me. it was such a bitter/sweet moment. there is no way I could have asked for "parents" then them. CHIP: thank you for your words of wisdom. to note what you said about her "Knowing" since me and my wife have been talking there was red flags for her throughout our marriage. but she didn't talk about them, so I'm sure she has to be blaming some of it on herself as well. funny side note me and my wife have known each other since high school I was actually best friends with her sister. so to say the least I knew a lot of her family for quite some time. but in the process of telling her family Half of the people she told including her sister all said one thing. "wow, I totally thought he was gay back in the day to". I was actually kind of upset, because how could all of these people seen me as gay and I couldn't see it myself. :bang: Teach1: congrats on coming out to your wife as well. I'm sorry your going thru this process as well. it sucks but I'm still very hopeful it will get better. actually today I had another brief moment where I could "breathe". and it felt good. I'm glad you found a support group. and I hope everything goes well telling your kids. mine are still to young to fully understand what's happening. even though my oldest has been saying things. ill have to eventually explain to him in simple terms. caliwoman: thank you for your support, it is nice to meet another so cal person on here. at least your in LA and have access to tons of LGBT friendly groups, I wont give away exactly where I live, but it is in a region to say the least is pretty conservative. and not very friendly to people like us. so I can assure you I will be driving to LA a lot more now that I'm coming out. Weston, NotMyName, Justasking100, SiennaFire, RosePetals76, Nickw: from the bottom of my heart I just want to say thank you for your Insight, understanding , and support. I cant express how much it means to me. this is the toughest thing I've ever gone through in my life, and just knowing you care enough to take time out of your day, means the world to me. thank you.
I'm glad you've posted back. I'm not in the same situation as you with a wife and children, but I am totally lost & alone and your honesty & bravery has been really helpful to me. I'm worried about the mess it might make if I were to come out to my family, and the fact that you're moving through things so fast and have gained support from some of your family has me thinking I might be able to do the same - someday. Thank you for sharing!
Bluesteel, I don't have much new to offer than what's already been said, but I want you to know you have someone else rooting for you. Reading your post struck a chord because it mirrored my situation five months ago. As everyone here says, what you're going through is part of the process (as painful as it is) and as cliché as it is to say: it gets so much better. Couple things to consider: Couples counseling. It really helped to have a mediator present as we both expressed our emotions. The therapist was really great at validating both our emotions and getting us to comprehend each others' feelings. Meditation: I was really against doing it, but finally relented. It's so important to give yourself that space to free yourself from all the chaos around you. There's a great app called HeadSpace. The first ten days are free and it only takes 10-15 minutes a day. Both my wife and I started at the same time and we both raved about how it helped. Coming out to your spouse is like giving birth. It can be excruciatingly painful in the moment (or so I've been told), but when the pain goes away, a new more authentic person will be born. You're on the right path. Stay the course and know that there are a whole bunch of people here on EC to listen and give lots of e-hugs. Best of luck! (*hug*)
