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Guys, it aches, it hurts

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, Jul 8, 2016.

  1. baristajedi

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    This need, this feeling I have, just to hold a woman, kiss, feel her skin on mine. I'm not talking about the need for sex. It's so much stronger, so much more than that. I know I'm so close to this, but the feelings, why are they so strong?
     
  2. Katchoo

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    (*hug*)
     
    #2 Katchoo, Jul 8, 2016
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  3. caliwoman

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    Barista,

    I get you!! And feel the same way. The other day, for some reason I had a vision of being intimate with a woman, and my body tensed up, I kinda leaned forward and made a moaning noise, but it wasn't a moaning noise you'd identify with being horny...actually my husband looked at me, grabbed my hand, and asked, "Are you okay?" and I told him of course I was and I asked him why was he concerned. He said, "Because you look like you're in a lot of pain."
    And that was me fantasizing about something I want.

    I dunno why it's so painful that it's palpable and I don't know how you feel about this, but I worry I'm going to rush into something too quick with the first decent woman I talk to. I haven't dated in over 15 years, so most of us married chicks on here are sooooooo new to this.

    I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, friend. It will be okay. It will happen soon enough, in the blink of an eye and you won't know what has hit you...it will be that wonderful for you!

    Hugs, love.
     
    #3 caliwoman, Jul 8, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2016
  4. SiennaFire

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    How exactly do you feel? Are you feeling sexual/romantic attraction or something else?
     
  5. brainwashed

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    Very interesting post. Our life and culture in the West derives it's values from Christianity. One man partners with one women and now days one man to one man or one women to one women. Magnanimous relationships.

    Deep down I feel this is wrong. This is not the way we humans evolved so deep down we crave more. My theory comes from observations on ECs and the book, Sex at Dawn.....

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sex_at_Dawn
     
  6. HappyGirlLucky

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    It is not even attraction, at least not to any woman in particular, it is just the thought of being that close with another woman. It feels so right when you have been wrong all this time, and you finally want to experience what you have been craving deep down all your life. It goes anywhere from goosebumps to painful longing.

    I get like this from time to time but I can usually make it go away by distracting myself with hobbies and simply convincing myself that there is no rush. I have a feeling this may be easier for me since I am single and have never had to suppress it to the extent the married women here have, because when I figured it out I was free to start exploring my thoughts without guilt right away.

    I also remind myself that this longing is a good thing, it gives me such a passion for life and I look to the future and wonder what it holds for me. I just know we are all in for a very interesting time, one many of us here in the later in life section had never thought we would actually experience.

    It will get better, baristajedi! (*hug*)
     
  7. caliwoman

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    Maybe it's what a 30+ year old married vampire, living in a vegan household, would feel after realizing she was into blood after all. That sh-t would be painful, craving that blood! Lol
     
  8. baristajedi

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    Thanks for the encouragement and hugs, guys. Caliwoman and Happygirllucky, you guys are really describing my feelings to a t. It's such an enormous and painful aching sense of longing and need. Lol about the vampire analogy.

    ---------- Post added 8th Jul 2016 at 09:04 AM ----------

    Siennafire-

    I'm feeling *all* of those feelings - everything is mixed in, desire, sex, intimacy, just pure physical closeness, holding a woman's gaze. But it's hard to put it down to one feeling. It's like every feeling I've ever had for a woman which has gone unexpressed is bubbling to the surface.

    ---------- Post added 8th Jul 2016 at 09:06 AM ----------

    Brainwashed-

    I think about this same thing a lot.
     
    #8 baristajedi, Jul 8, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2016
  9. Justasking100

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    Patience barista, easy to say but difficult for you to have I'm sure. Keep going. Do you meditate? It may help.
     
  10. SiennaFire

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    My attraction to guys is way stronger than I felt with women, so part of this is acclimation to your authentic self. There's probably also an element of longing in the mix as well. When this sort of thing happens, I surrender myself to the feelings and let them flow through and nourish me.
     
    #10 SiennaFire, Jul 8, 2016
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  11. Garm147

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    Hi!
    This post made me remember the first time i've been with my love, with my woman, with my other half. I felt complete like all i've ever needed was in that moment, in that touch. Until then i've never realize what love, happiness and realization was. Keep on going and you will get there!

    :slight_smile:
     
  12. bi2me

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  13. brainwashed

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    The first half of the book Sex at Dawn reviews historical facts. It's kind of boring. But the second half more than makes up for the first half. The second half is a home run.
     
  14. baristajedi

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    Thanks justasking (*hug*) I really should meditate, but I don't do it enough. This is a good reminder to do it more often.

    ---------- Post added 9th Jul 2016 at 03:17 AM ----------

    Ok this sounds encouraging, perhaps I'm just sort of getting flooded with emotions that I've until now built a wall against.

    How do you surrender to the feelings? That sounds really calming, but I feel like the emotions are overwhelming and I'm a bit afraid to surrender to them in a sense.

    ---------- Post added 9th Jul 2016 at 03:19 AM ----------

    Thank you garm! That sounds lovely, I hope to have that one day. I'm so happy for you that you've found that :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 9th Jul 2016 at 03:27 AM ----------

    I'm definitely going to get that book! I want to read it with my husband but right now we're starting with Opening Up.
     
  15. SiennaFire

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    Just to be terribly clear, these emotions are all constructive and an important part of your journey of discovery and acceptance. It's really hard for me to tell you what you are feeling. My guess is that they are all related to the wall: releasing your denial (tearing down the wall), lamenting the loss of the status quo and marriage, acclimating to your more powerful sexual attractions, longing to act on them, uncertainty about the future, etc. Anxiety is a call to action. It sounds like your body is telling you what I've been telling you as well - it's time to start acting on your attractions to women :slight_smile:

    The surrender is a form of meditation at some level - you simply stop fighting your emotions. You stop telling yourself that you don't want to feel these overwhelming emotions and that you don't want to be gay. At some level this is a cathartic exit from the closet where you stop trying to control how you should feel, I should be attracted to men and get married to a man and have a normal life, and just accept how you do feel, you long for the company of another woman.

    To surrender drop your guard and experience the emotions. Another way to look at this is that you allow yourself to be vulnerable (to your feelings). Learning to drop your guard will be useful practice for when you have your first serious GF.
     
    #15 SiennaFire, Jul 9, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2016
  16. Katchoo

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    About meditation, I just discovered the app Buddhify, which has lots of guided mindfulness meditations. Super approachable, way more than most meditation attempts I have made in the past. I like that the philosophy behind it is so much about accepting yourself where you are, not judging yourself. :slight_smile:
     
  17. baristajedi

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    Thanks for this Siennafire, this is all very encouraging. All of the things you say about my wall coming down, that does feel exactly like what's happening to me. And I'm already discovering so many feelings. And they are scary snd overwhelming but I do see them as a positive, necessary part of crossing some sort of threshold into really living as a gay (queer?) woman.

    I'm going to try to keep your words and insight in mind each time I get a wave of these feelings and surrender to them. I think I really am sort of defaulting to being vulnerable, taking emotional risks, so I know I can do this.

    One thing to note...I have gotten to a point with a girl on OK Cupid where we're discussing which day we'll meet up, sometime a couple of weeks from now.....so first date is really soon :icon_bigg:icon_redf:slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 9th Jul 2016 at 12:21 PM ----------

    Thanks Katchoo! I'm definitely going to try this app!!
     
    #17 baristajedi, Jul 9, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2016
  18. gravechild

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    I know that feeling (well, instead substitute a guy).
     
  19. baristajedi

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    It's such an intense feeling, isn't it??
     
  20. n3ko

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    ugh this is my life.