When you were questioning, did you reach a point where you felt that you'd exhausted all possible avenues and doubts? If so, what did that feel like? I don't mean in terms of narrowing down a specific label, doubting yourself when coming out to others, or feeling like you might have made it all up, but in terms of your own experiences and feelings. I feel like I've covered every possible 'against' argument now, but I still don't know. Without the intense doubts and questioning, I'm feeling a bit of a void, and I am thinking maybe I did make it all up. I feel almost like I the constant questioning was proof, and without it, I feel almost like I dreamt it. Does that make sense? Can anyone relate? It's not that I'm not thinking about it, rather it's just not so much at the front of my mind, and I'm thinking about it other ways. But, I just feel so normal that I want to call myself straight.
I know what it feels like to have those doubts, and it can be very frustrating. For me the doubts just sort of dissipated rather than being logically resolved. Part of this was simply changing my perspective. I realised st some point that it didn't matter whether I'm gay, straight, queer, etc., but that I have a *need* to be with a woman. And I thought, who cares what the need is called, and perhaps its best to put aside all the concerns of how my long term life is impacted, and focus on this need. That's just my personal experience, I'm not sure if that helps.
Yeah at one point my mind would automatically look for ways to prove I wasn't trans but I thought there's no way I'm cis and it just drove me insane at times. Sometimes I'd even slam my head in the wall out of confusion.
I have been trying to address it as logically as I can (good luck with that with all the emotions that are tied up in there!) I'm trying to think of it almost like a lawyer, ive been going back through my memories and taking singular events and instances, things when taken alone were at the time easily dismissed, and basically cataloging them. Almost making a case for myself as to all the signs that I am really trans. When I look at that catalogue the evidence seems really strong. Too hard to ignore. Of course then my emotions come in a d jumble everything up, but I'm still pushing on.
Yes, this is what meant; a distinctive end point of sorts. For me, I feel that I have been taking a more logical approach, but that's probably down to personality. There are some things that I've just had to let go, though. I've felt for a while that an attraction to women is there, and that whatever I call myself it is going to be there. However, I feel that I can't focus on this need until the long term consequences are resolved. I almost want to put it on the back burner, keep busy, and sort everything else out. I can't stand the overwhelming feeling of being trapped and frustrated. Yes, I've often wanted to slam my head against a wall! I did wonder whether my mind had shut off the questioning just to save my sanity. ---------- Post added 9th Jul 2016 at 03:43 PM ---------- Me too! I can relate to this. But I studied history, so it's an historical investigation, putting an argument together. Keep pushing on!
I'm not sure I ever tried to argue myself out of believing I was gay. I remember wondering why I hadn't been with women, and trying to think of a reason. And I remember asking myself if I thought I could be happy with a woman, without missing being with men. But I don't think I ever tried to fight it, just trying to figure out why I hadn't been. Then when I was, the feelings were so in my face obvious, I switched labels very quickly. I went from thinking I was bi, since I was 15 or so, to deciding to date women this February, to realizing I am full out lesbian by April. After that, it was more a flood emotions and dealing with coming out and such, but never really a fight. Sorry, that's probably not helpful to you. Maybe try asking why it's worth fighting it?
Just a thought: I also went through all the logical arguments and spun my wheels endlessly for a long time (many on EC can attest to this!) I just simply had to change my perspective because it wasn't helping me. And another thing, I also felt the same as you about needing to first resolve the long term consequences. My way of resolving it might not work for you, its such a personal process! but I know what you're feeling.(*hug*)
It is helpful, thank you, and a good question. I don't think I've been fighting it, rather I have a need for it to make sense and to know beyond all doubt. I suppose I'm feeling that, in my current situation, there's no point in thinking about my sexuality any further. I feel a bit torn, I suppose. There's part of me that wants to, and there's part of me that knows day-to-day life is easier if I don't dwell on it. I think I'm (mostly) happier not thinking about it. I have thought that perhaps my current situation is what's caused me question over and over, because it's easier to live with if I'm still unsure. I don't really want to face the realities of making changes.
This statement really resonates with me. Personally, one of the things that has caused me the most angst and stress is trying to imagine changing and the effects to the entirety of my life. What will it do to my kids when they're older, what about my wife if I transition, what about my career and on and on. It's too overwhelming when I think of it like that, it just makes me want to curl up and go away. But I think taking it in smaller chunks is going to help me. I can think about this one tiny aspect, that doesn't seem so scary. And then I can move on to another. just a thought.
Glad I'm not the only one who likes to bury my head in the sand! Baristajedi, gave me some good advice about breaking everything down in very small steps not that long ago. It's on one of my threads. I do listen, really. For me, things are progressing in terms of going back to work, so I suppose I'm just focused on other things.
