I suppose it's more than just today, but in the last few days or maybe even a little more, I've been feeing kind of weirdly. I'm trying to sort out exactly what it is I'm feeling and what I need to do to sort of feel more at ease. So I suppose what I'm feeling is something like this feeling of anxiety or unease, maybe a little panic. There's a random assortment of things that I think make me feel this way - I feel like my life has been changing so drastically so rapidly (and continues to); I feel like there are so many scary precipices ahead (real or imagined, tangible, intangible); I feel like I'm so vulnerable and exposed all the time, in so many different ways; I feel like I have overwhelming emotions all the time; I feel like I'm somewhere between still feeling that trapped feeling I have felt so much of my life especially during my marriage, and a feeling if freedom that seems so amazing and also so fucking scary at the same time; I feel like there's no chance to sit still and just take stock in all of these things, reflect, journal or maybe even simply just feel; I feel like I desperately need the comfort of others and that makes me feel silly, dependent and foolish; I feel also this deep longing for being with a woman which is still not yet fulfilled (I know I'm getting there soon)... I'm sure there's more but that's a good start to what's swirling around in my big bag of emotions. What. the. fuck, guys....? :help:
It's understandable that you'd be feeling so anxious with so much going on. It's bound to be a bit overwhelming. (*hug*) Do you generally handle change well? Do you feel that you're not in control of the pace of change?
You are not being foolish at all! I always thought of myself as independent and strong and was always really proud of that, but in reality I was just afraid. I was afraid of being vulnerable (a hot topic here lately) and judged so I pretended to have it all figured out, which only hurt me in the long run. Going to other people for comfort and support takes real strength and will help you deal with everything quicker too. Not at all silly or foolish. I think all the feelings you had buried deep within you are bubbling to the surface, I went through the same thing a couple of months ago. It almost made me want to run back into the closet! It is really rough, I know, but it will get better after a while. I promise! (*hug*)
This. Yes, ALL of this. It perfectly describes me and what I've been through this year. Still getting used to allowing myself to be vulnerable and to feel. I use to just box all those feelings away. Things have improved drastically since I've started learnin to feel them and cope with them, though.
Anxiety is a completely normal emotion that keeps us "in check". Unfortunately, sometimes it rears its ugly head and makes us a little crazy (or is it just me). I think the key is knowing that's what you're experiencing (which you seem to have down) and just work through it. Anxiety that debilitates you on a regular basis should be dealt with professionally, of course, but what you're going through sounds completely normal considering the circumstances.
Your journey is leading you towards some real fundamental life changes. You know those changes are ahead of you, yet you have not fully embraced or accepted them just yet. But you will. "Weirdly" is a light way of expressing what your really feeling.....
Maybe a good thing could be to slow down. Yes what you are feeling I feel all the time I do the same thing. I stopped moving forwards for a bit just so I could allow my head to catch up with reality and gain the strength to move on, (that took me 2 years) it looks like that you have got the strength so you are mist of the way there. Just right now take it slow but don't move backwards either and we are here if things are still difficult.
Thanks NotMyName. (*hug*) I do ok with change, but these changes are so much more all encompassing than what I'm used to. And I do feel there's some lack of control over it, maybe a little lack of control over the pace, but also lack of control over the emotions. ---------- Post added 10th Jul 2016 at 12:44 PM ---------- Thanks Happygirllucky, this is s really helpful perspective. I suppose I do think it's positive to reach out to others, and I'm feeling like I'm doing the right thing in being vulnerable. I just have to remind myself that this is positive and that it's helping me move forward. I know what you mean about wanting to run back into the closet. Sometimes I want to stop and become invisible again, if only for just a little bit. I don't want to be straight, and I don't really want to be in the closet, but sometimes I wish it would all just stop for a little bit and I would feel less exposed.
It really resonates with me the way you say you now allow yourself to feel. As overwhelming as this all is, it's actually like I'm really living for the first time. And that is truly liberating (and terrifying). ---------- Post added 10th Jul 2016 at 12:53 PM ---------- Thanks Afgirl. I do feel totally crazy sometimes, it's not just you. It's helpful to hear that I'm "normal"! ---------- Post added 10th Jul 2016 at 12:56 PM ---------- Thanks OTH, this does feel exactly like what I'm facing right now. I'm at a point where so much is coming to a head and I'm really going to have decisions to make and think about what this all really means for my life... it's quite daunting. ---------- Post added 10th Jul 2016 at 01:13 PM ---------- Thanks HIMYM, I think it might help me to slow my thoughts down, and maybe to stop every once in a while and take a break from all of my thoughts and just be still. I don't kniw how to get those days, being a mum. But I think I'd definitely benefit from those days.
