Is it normal once you come out to everyone and that you have accepted it yourself that, when you are open and willing to take that risk of vulnerability with a new potential friend that if they then give the same back to you about them self's, does it feel weird. That's been happening to me recently and it feels like if this (which it can only be) is a friendship, and that I have never in my life had a friend before. Were they just acquaintances and not ever friends (before all this and I came out)? Is this now more than friendship but only platonic? I just feel so emotionally attached and close to this person that I myself is questioning where does this fit. Is it a best friendship or QPR (Queer Platonic Relationship). The last time I have ever been anywhere near this feeling was to a person who I was "friends" with, this older guy who after a 1.5 years I came out to him (when I was just beginning to come out) and he abused me and that friendship. But during that 1.5 years I felt this attachment that when he went away with work my heart ached/yearned for him to come back. Maybe it was because I was so vulnerable and isolated and he was the only person in my life that I spoke to or saw on a daily basis (we were friends only). I asked family at the time what was this aching feeling of my heart and they kept saying that I was in love with him. Was this right, was this wrong? Can anyone please help as my mind is so messed up right now. I need to understand what this new connection is and where to place it, that's all.
Should the question if its a QPR or not is, could you wake up next them every morning and have that feel good factor and that makes you smile and enjoy life, do you want to bring up children together and have a happy and enjoyable family like that? Or does ANY of that make you feel in anyway, uncomfatable, uneasy, scared, that you are doing in to only make them feel happy and good and not you? If any of the concerns are there is it not just a very very very good friendship?
Hi HIMYM, I don't know if I have any answers, but I think I can pose some questions, for you to try to sort through your thoughts and questions... You said that you are now willing to take the risk and vulnerability with a new friend - is this something new for you, do you feel like you're not usually willing to be vulnerable and open up? And when you say it feels weird, what feels weird? The feeling of vulnerability? The feeling of closeness? And can you describe what you meant by "feeling weird"? You said it can only be a friendship - why is that? You don't want more? Your new friend doesn't want more? There is some other limitation? Are you wondering if this new friendship is actually more than friendship? What do you feel when you think about your new friend? What are your friend's expectations? You said you were friends with an older guy after coming out and that other people suggested that maybe you were in love with him... What did you feel when you thought about him? Did your relationship develop beyond friendship? And you mentioned something in your follow up post about whether you are doing things to make the other person happy versus doing it for your own happiness (am I understanding that correctly?) - do you feel like you sometimes do things just to make others happy at the cost of your own needs? If so why? You don't need to answer all of these in this space if you don't feel comfortable, this is just to give you some things to think about. I hope that helps.
Thank you for taking the time to read my post and the even respond to a newbie like me here Baristajedi. Me taking the risk and being vulnerable with someone whom I have just met only about 3 weeks ago, for the very first time, is still very new to me, like only from the beginning of June this has stared happening. I have never in my life been anywhere near this open and honest about how I feel as I am terrified of being judged and them to make me feel at least that I am wrong in how I feel. This is compounded but the fact that if I say a close to the heart ting about me to someone I am acutely aware never to say anything else to them for them to judge my whole life from that. So if anybody wants to know me I have always been in my head thinking that if you want to get to know me truly then you will all have to get together an say your part even if they seem to contradict each other as both side are true. But I seem to make a great effort to keep everyone that I know separated from ever talking to each other as much as possible so they don't find out who I truly am, and punish me in some way as if I had done something terribly wrong. Here is where you are asking me to dissect "feel weird". Wow, this is hard but here goes as I try. When I said weird, weird that I its a balanced connection, not just one sided, that I am the submissive weakling and they are the dominant predator, as this is the first time that has happened to me. Thats what I meant by weird. I think you actually said it, closeness to someone else, and what that really means is I think the vast majority of what I mean by the word weird. I feel closer to this person than I have ever felt in my life for anyone and the at the same time I don't feel or I am not able to have a relationship with them. (I can now hear you asking the word "why") and I don't fully know. I feel bad for saying this sorry, but if they were a different gender I would not think twice about this. I feel so emotionally connected as if one mind, in many ways as if they totally get me, I am always thinking about them, how they are getting on, what are they up to, have they messaged me back yet always checking my phone if I have missed something really important,stay up talking to the until the early hours of the morning with time flying by at lightning space, but if I woke up next to them the next morning that something was wrong as if I had done something wrong I would freak out that it happened, I would feel uncomfortable about the whole thing. I don't know how to explain this feeling properly sorry. If we couldn't speak ever again I don't know how I would cope to get through it. I feel to be honest closer to this person than I ever did to that older guy. With that it was all about him and his time what he wanted to do and when and even when I tried to do other things he ignored that fact that I was a person too who has feelings. This is why I am asking for help and advice on what am I feeling and thought the best place would be here and not just hold on to it hoping that it will solve itself, and seeing that its the internet there could be a little more help/advice than just my little old head. My new friend want to be in a full relationship from what I understand its just me that is stopping it and I feel really awful that I am upsetting them as they have strong feelings and more towards me. I have this kind of feeling that I am making the situation worse for them by still being friends as they now have to cope and come to terms with not being able to express all their feelings but work a way round to dampen those feelings and its all my fault. What compounds the issue is that I am the the first women they have ever expressed their true feeling for and I am saying that I can't give you everything that that would entail. this could set them back for life and if not years to get back to that stage ever again. I want to help them find what they need to help them through this time, so yes I cant but I will help you find the right person who will say yes so the awful situation and feelings of this for them are put to a beautiful and perfect end for them. I hope that at least some of this makes sense, but I will finish off the questions later on today, I will be back . ---------- Post added 11th Jul 2016 at 12:20 PM ---------- I was friends with the older guy for 1.5 years before I came out then once I told I'm him wa when he hurt me. Sorry for that confusion. ---------- Post added 11th Jul 2016 at 12:24 PM ---------- ---------- Post added 11th Jul 2016 at 12:20 PM ---------- [/COLOR]I was friends with the older guy for 1.5 years before I came out then once I told I'm him that was when he hurt me. Sorry for that confusion.[/QUOTE]
We were all newbies on here once HIMYM, it's good to have you here on the site. It sounds like you've struggled a lot and have come to feel isolated, am I understanding that correctly? (*hug*) I can imagine it is a bit scary to enter into a friendship and to be vulnerable when you feel you are not usually able to do so. Do you feel like you have been judged harshly in the past? I'm not sure I'm understanding what you mean here. Are you saying that you keep friends at a distance? (*hug*) Why do you worry about this in particular? Why would others punish you? It's ok to simply build a strictly platonic relationship, if that's what you feel you want from it. It sounds like you feel very positive about this friendship, and that's wonderful in itself. Is there a reason that you suspect you are feeling something beyond platonic feelings? Or are you simply pondering your feelings because your friend expressed interest in you (you mention below). That's ok! You don't have to have all of the answers. perhaps you can think about this more and sort out why you're feeling this. why feel bad for being attracted to a particular gender? That sounds like you are expressing your sexual orientation. Are you questioning your orientation? Do you feel like you *do* like your friend, and that's making you wonder about your orientation? What do you feel when you think about your friend? Does it trigger any specific emotional or physical response? (I know when I like someone, I feel warm and fuzzy in my chest, I'm distracted with thoughts about that person...but you know you - what do you feel?) I can see why you think maybe you like your friend. Have you ever felt this way about anyone else? What do these feelings mean to you? Is this related to your friend's gender? Or something else? It sounds like this person in the past really hurt you, and wasn't kind to you. I'm sorry. I think you have to operate under the assumption that your friend knows what risks they are willing to take, and knows their own level of comfort in terms of being friends and having feelings for you. In other words, if your friend likely understands that taking a risk can entail getting hurt. And perhaps they felt it was worth the risk to see whether the feelings were reciprocated. Does your friend want to remain friends? You have to let your friend be in charge of how well they safeguard their own feelings. But at the same time, you seem like a very caring individual, and from your side, you can maintain a positive friendship by being open, clear and kind to your friend in terms of where the boundaries lie. It sounds perhaps like you are maybe feeling guilty for not reciprocating feelings for your friend. There's no need to feel guilty for feeling whatever you feel for your friend. You do not owe anyone else any kind of romantic feelings or relationship. Just be true to you. You can encourage your friend to date others and to move forward in their own path. But do not feel indebted to give something you do not feel to them.
I think there's a relatively simple way to look at this. When we're in the closet, we're inherently being inauthentic to the world. There's a wall up, and with the wall there, we can never truly be vulnerable with anyone, because an important part of who we are, and what is bothering us, must stay safely hidden behind that wall. The wall serves as a security blanket, or as Brené Brown sometimes refers to it (in a different context), "the 50 ton shield". When we come out, we take down that wall that protects our vulnerability. And when we do that, suddenly, we're experiencing a level of connection and vulnerability that we aren't familiar with. It feels odd and sometimes somewhat unsafe. Often, when we are first open with someone, we will experience, the next day, what Brené refers to as a "vulnerability hangover"... a sense of dread, of "oh, god, what have I done? What made me think that was a good idea?" But this is part of learning to live openly, authentically, vulnerably. And to answer your question, yes, this is a much deeper, more authentic layer of friendship and connection than someone who has always had a wall up would have experienced before. So in that way, it's quite likely that your previous friendships never had this level of vulnerability. Does that mean the previous friendships weren't friendships? I don't think so. Plenty of people, for one reason or another, never learn to live vulnerably and so never have the opportunity to experience this level of friendship. In fact, many never even experience that in relationships or marriages with their married partner... which is really sad. But those who do get to experience a deeper sense of connection that, fundamentally, is something that all of us deserve. The key is recognizing the difference between an emotionally intimate friendship and a relationship. One can have both, and sometimes a friendship turns into a relationship, but more often, the deep friendship remains something that is a powerful sense of connection and enrichment that stands by itself from relationships. I hope that helps a bit.
