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I want to change but don't want the life that comes with it?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Jjanon, Jul 10, 2016.

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  1. Jjanon

    Jjanon
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    I'm having some serious cognitive dissonance today. The more I think about myself as a woman, the calmer and happier it makes me. When j this k about it in a void, I want the things that come with those thoughts. I want people to see me as a woman. I want breasts. I want to wear pretty things and not feel like a freak.

    But outside of that void, I don't know that I want the life that that leads to. I haven't told my wife yet but even best case scenario it leads to a much different life than I envisioned. I see myself as an outcast among friends and in my industry. I am afraid that I will be making life harder for my kids. I'm opening up another avenue for them to be bullied, like they need any more to start with. Partially I don't know any trans people personally so I am having a hard time envisioning what life can be.

    I know life isn't fair and we don't get to choose the hand we are dealt. But this just doesn't seem fair. Not to me and not to my wife.

    Sorry for the pity party. The downs seem to be getting deeper to match some of the highs. I have been trying to take it little by little and not focus on the big things, but those big things are so important Im having a hard time. I felt like my family would have an easier go of things if I just stopped existing and didn't have to put them through this.
     
    #1 Jjanon, Jul 10, 2016
  2. HappyGirlLucky

    HappyGirlLucky
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    I am sorry you have so much to deal with! (*hug*)

    I can't even imagine what you are going through right now, but I am certain your family would much rather have you as your genuine self even if they need to adapt a bit than not have you at all.
     
    #2 HappyGirlLucky, Jul 10, 2016
  3. SiennaFire

    SiennaFire
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    I recently came out as gay, and I certainly understand both a) the need to live an authentic life and b) uncertainty about the future once we start down the path of authenticity. Based on my experience, going through the pain of coming out is worth it once you are on the other side of authenticity. I'm such a happier and more content person now. Coming out and living authentically frees up so much energy that was previously used to hide and protect our secrets. That energy is redeployed to constructive ends. For the first time in my life I'm optimistic about the future and am eager to do the things I procrastinated before. Life is so much better now that I don't have to hide something as fundamental as my sexuality.

    Breaking big things down in baby steps is very important. You will also gain momentum and confidence as you tackle increasing bigger steps. I'm much stronger and more confident than when I started coming out.

    HTH
    (&&&)
     
    #3 SiennaFire, Jul 10, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2016
  4. HIMYM

    HIMYM
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    I can identiy with some of what you are going through as I haven't yet got married or had children but I am a trans women. Those feelings of wanting others to see you as a women and not see you as a freak or for everyone to take a second glance or stare at you (from my personal experience at least), I underatand. You have to get to the point that you are strong enough to fight for you the women that you are and fight for her. Know that it is where you need to be in life, and you will get to that point where you are forced to make the personal decision of being happy or being repressed and trapped and in a bit of a robotic life. If you are happy enough where you are then from what you have said stay where you are, if you can't or don't feel that you can cope anymore with the life that you are leading then look at starting to open up I n real life. To anyone best friend therapist wife and move from there.
    What held me back from coming out any sooner than I did was that I could just about survive where I was emotionally, but there came the point for me to die hating me and my life right now or die trying to make things better. And wanting to feel pretty and wear pretty things is the stage that I am at right now, trying to find things that are pretty but I also feel comfortable in. It's really hard pre op.
    I would recommend if you can, trying to talk to your wife about what is going on. Shw is bound to ask things like do you still love me what about our sex life, she may even ask you how far do you want to go down the transgender path do you want hormones do you want surgery if at all? You have to know all this ahead of the conversation or even in a letter to her if that would make things any easier.
    Also the reason that I had to come out was that I was still everyday all day cross dressing fully wearing makeup painting my nails but still wearing trousers for about 12 months, at a which point I legally changed my name and came out to everyone in real life. During the 12 months I did change my name on Facebook which got me use to my new name.
     
    #4 HIMYM, Jul 10, 2016
  5. LostInDaydreams

    LostInDaydreams
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    Sorry you're feeling this way. (*hug*)

    I can relate to what you're feeling, in the sense that I'll happily imagine myself in a relationship with a woman, but I don't want any of other stuff that comes with getting there. I don't want to tell people, I don't want to break up my family and I worry about what my daughter will think in years to come, I don't really want to live on my own, etc.

    Don't worry about posting anything you're feeling.
     
    #5 LostInDaydreams, Jul 11, 2016
  6. Jjanon

    Jjanon
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    Thank you all for the support. I had another conversation with the only person I've told again last night. It was about an hour and a half of crying and I actually feel better today then I have the past couple days. All the big issues are still obviously but being able to release these pent up emotions felt good. It's strange for me since as a man I have been so used to burying my emotions, it's hard for me to express them. But it felt really good to cry and talk about my fears.

    Thanks everyone. You've all been so helpful to me. (&&&)
     
    #6 Jjanon, Jul 11, 2016
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