Craving intimacy as I begin the process of coming out

While I have known I was bi for years, I didn't really begin to "accept" that part of me or "let my gay out" (if that makes sense), until about a month or so ago when I understood what internalised homophobia was, and I came out to a couple of close gay friends. Our friendships have gotten much closer and this has helped me to begin to feel much more comfortable about who I am.

Thing is, I'm now just craving intimacy. Not in a completely sexual way, but just craving affection, i.e. cuddles and kisses.

It's possible that this is due to a number of things going on in my life at the moment - being in drug and alcohol recovery (close to a year sober, but that's still "early recovery" in the grand scheme of things), beginning to recover from depression and anxiety, and having broken up with my wife about six months ago (not due to my sexuality, though she did know I was bi, and I think she accepted it better than I did!). Or perhaps because I'm now allowing all these same-sex-attracted feelings and authenticity to slowly rise to the surface.

Thing is, I know it's not a good time for me to go on the hunt for anything that might end up becoming a relationship. Until I am more accepting fof myself, and have a stronger sense of inner peace, happiness and self a assuredness, it would not lead to a healthy dynamic.

And it's not *only* men I crave intimacy from, it's anyone. Today I sat in a 12 step meeting, and although I knew it wasn't "real", I couldn't help but fantisise/think that every hot guy or gal who made eye contact with me, was checking me out.

I also have one bi friend in particular, who I haven't really spoken to much about my sexuality, but has got the gist that I'm more self-accepting. Accepting myself has meant I feel more comfortable greeting gay & bi friends with hugs AND kisses (when i was pretending to be simply hetero, I'd hug, I've always been a hugger, but much more " manly" if that sorta makes sense - less tenderness). So this one guy and I have been *really* tender and touchy with our greetings, or at least that's how I'm interpreting it. Aside from me not being in a place to consider dating or anything, and him being one of the crew, I could never imagine anything working out between us. Not relationship material, to me at least. And yet, I have this overwhelming urge to embrace him and kiss passionately. In my late thirties, I feel like a teenager with a huge crush!

I'm not really sure what to make of any of this, or what to do about it. I didn't really post looking for advice as such, just thought that by expressing all this it might help me to somehow come to terms with it, and get it off my mind a bit. If you do have an urge to offer advice however, that's fine too. Thanks for being there EC, and thanks for listening!

 

Thanks Jjanon