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Sex in long-term relationships

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by LostInDaydreams, Jul 11, 2016.

  1. LostInDaydreams

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    I know every relationship is different and I do feel bad for posting this, but I'm going to ask anyway.

    In a long term relationship is it normal for sex to become boring to point of nearly falling asleep quite often, and not really wanting to get involved because it's not worth getting out of the duvet for (i.e. getting cold)? And also trying to avoid sex where possible?

    I suppose those things could be down to state of the relationship though, and not sexuality.

    Any thoughts appreciated!
     
  2. OnTheHighway

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    I think it is important in a relationship to keep the sex life active and exciting. I do believe the intensity does change over time, and a proactive approach is needed to keep it from becoming routine.

    I do believe this is a common issue for couples gay or straight.

    Not sure if it is chemically driven, as I have heard some professionals discuss, or purely psychological; but the impact is the same.

    I also believe having a mutually satisfying sex life is extremely important for any relationship; however, how one defines satisfying is up to each couple themselves.
     
  3. greatwhale

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    There are ways to keep sex very interesting over the long term...I firmly believe that a long-term relationship need not be a sentence to the same-old, same-old. What it takes are a few things (while remembering the dictum that "familiarity breeds contempt"):

    1) Seeing your partner outside of the normal contexts in which you spend time together is very powerful. So try seeing them at work, or when volunteering, or when they are with their long-time friends, or family...you will find they are quite different people, which heightens their "otherness", diminishes your familiarity with them, and tends to bring back your desire for them. It really can be that falling in love all over again feeling that is so sought after.

    2) Treat the boudoir, bedroom or other "sacred" space as the intimate, only-for-the-both-of-you place where you let your fantasies thrive. What you may consider politically incorrect in your "normal" life, may, in the perverse universe of sex, be perfectly acceptable in that special place. This takes the courage to explore your deepest fantasies, and to come to terms with accepting that these things will turn you on...in other words, accepting these as part of who you are. It is an extremely vulnerable place for both people in an intimate partnership...but when both are accepting of each others kinks and fetishes, and when both are committed to exploring these, magic happens and a sweet complicity between both develops and strengthens the relationship.

    3) A caveat: do not think that exploring sexual fantasies will by themselves heal a broken relationship, it has to be strong to begin with (and by necessity a strong relationship is necessary for both to make themselves vulnerable by disclosing some pretty sensitive parts of their sexual psyches). But to be sure, it can make a beautiful relationship even more interesting over time. What is important is that each partner takes the others fantasies seriously, that they do not dismiss them, or worse, mock them.
     
    #3 greatwhale, Jul 11, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2016
  4. LostInDaydreams

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    Thanks, OTH.

    It was exciting-ish at the beginning as I'd never done it before. I've tried to be into it, I really have, but it takes a lot of conscious effort, a lot of thinking. It's not "mutually satisfying" very often.

    ---------- Post added 11th Jul 2016 at 04:47 PM ----------

    Thanks, greatwhale.

    We haven't discussed sex like that for years. We did at the beginning, but I honestly can't remember the last time we talked about it.
     
  5. greatwhale

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    You're welcome,

    I would bet with real money that there are unexplored areas within both of you that need some sunlight. It could be as simple as asking what their fantasies are (don't ask if they have any, take that for granted). You may both be surprised...
     
  6. OnTheHighway

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    If a relationship is working, I find couples in healthy relationships may actually evolve into fulfilling fantasies almost naturally, as if no real thought is needed for it to happen. And when it does, the sexual tension created definitely eliminates any monotony!
     
  7. greatwhale

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    What often happens is that actually a lot of thought goes into it, from exploring stuff on the net, to ordering certain, ahem, "items" from certain specialty stores online, to reading about techniques, etc. Then the partners surprise each other (which keeps each on their toes a little)! :grin:
     
    #7 greatwhale, Jul 11, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2016
  8. LostInDaydreams

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    At the beginning our relationship he asked me whether I'd ever fantasized about women because he'd never fantasized about men, so I just lied and said no. I don't think he'd accept that somebody straight would want to fantasize about the same sex, so it'd probably turn into a much bigger conversation.
     
    #8 LostInDaydreams, Jul 11, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2016
  9. RosePetals76

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    Sex in my marriage was like that. Never satisfying for me, I wasn't really into it, and he never could please me. I think me being lesbian had a lot to do with that. I really hope it won't be that way when I'm with a woman long term. So far my dating has only ended up with a few experiences, though, and not a long term relationship.
     
  10. greatwhale

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    It might indeed. This is the crux of the matter: trusting that the other will respond positively to our deepest wishes is not an easy matter. Fact is, nothing will happen unless you take that one crucial step into vulnerability. When you use terms like "I don't think" and "probably", you are putting your own thoughts and biases into his head.

    In all seriousness, you need to assess a lot of things about your current relationship, from the perspective of who you are and what (and who!) you desire...Set aside how you think he will react, how you react to your own desires is what is important now...
     
  11. OnTheHighway

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    well, that assumes your fantasies need 'ahem" "items" :roflmao:
     
  12. greatwhale

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    ...the best ones always do! :grin:
     
  13. LostInDaydreams

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    Yes, but it's not without foundation.

    Thank you. I'll try. :slight_smile: