Some days I'm fine, feeling comfortable with accepting myself. Others, like last night and today, I really struggle. I feel like I'm not accepted by anyone else, and I don't fit in anywhere. Nobody has said anything in particular, but I feel like they blow me off when I'm trying to talk about how I'm feeling. I think it's because I don't have friends that understand the whole coming out and finding acceptance process. I really need some lesbian friends. I do have friends that are bi and pan, but they never were in the closet, and are in hetero relationships, so I still feel like they don't get it. When it comes to the few lesbians I know (women I tried to date), I don't feel accepted as being lesbIan enough. I can't talk to them about dating problems because of my relationship with them. I'm just feeling so isolated right now, even though I'm surrounded by people. Anyone else ever feel this way? ---------- Post added 12th Jul 2016 at 10:32 AM ---------- I think part of the problem is that my friend have seen me as this strong, independent woman who is okay with being single for so long, that they don't realize how much my feelings have changed. When I was trying to date men, I would go years without trying to date because I wasn't interested. Now that I've had something wonderful with a woman, I know what I'm missing, and it hurts so much more to be alone than it ever did before. And I don't think anyone ever thinks I'm a lesbian, so my chances of funding someone feels really low.
Rose, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I can't address the first portion of your post because I'm so new to this as well, but I get you when you feel the chances of finding someone are very low. I feel that way, too, and have to remember to try and change my perspective. I try and work on myself, inside and out. I try and exude sexiness and that always makes me feel good. Can you do anything to make yourself feel good right now? That sounded funny. LOL.
you don't necessarily have to accept yourself, or be accepted by yourself. having a strong idea of what you want to be and a plan for how to become it is what I believe is more productive in the long run. Setting and meeting goals is pretty good for one's self-esteem.
I don't know what I can do. I don't want to change into a stereotype just so people realize I'm an avaliable lesbian, nor do I think really could. I just want to be seen for being myself. I occasionally find someone online, but it's always one of us is interested and the other isn't. I don't know how to change that.
Perhaps you feel a bit lonely and desiring some form of intimacy? I certainly feel that way. There was an ache in me yesterday that I just couldn't describe. Just gnawing at me. Today, I worked out, meditated, worked from home, and will go sunbathe and then have lunch. I try to think about the traits I'd like in a female partner and embody them myself. Just food for thought. Hugs!
Hi! I think it's natural when people around us, and they arent gay/lesbian, seems like they dont care. Maybe they just dont know how to andle this... Ist a new, strange feeling and, sometimes, everyone just need some time. When i came out to some close friends i felt the same. But with time and by just talking about the new feelings and day to day struggles ( they are equal to every one of us) we are back to our friendship like it was before. But it takes time.. Time to accept our true self so the others around us can do it too.
if you think you need to turn into a stereotype to broadcast this, you might want to reassess what you think a lesbian acts like, what people think lesbians act like, and what you think people think lesbians act like. there's some missing nuance here. the first step in setting goals is defining them.
Is it Pride time in your area? Are there events you could go to? Maybe it would help to meet more people. I know it's not always easy but if you went to a handful of events, people might start to recognize you as someone they've seen around and be inclined to strike up a conversation with you. Or you them. You know that line about how insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results; I think that applies to us here. Not that you're insane, of course, but you get the idea.
I am not a lesbian, but I am a 5 on the Kinsey scale, so I understand the desire that you have for women. I've been on many dating sites with some luck, but I decided to take a hiatus, so that I could figure out what I truly wanted from someone else. I'm sure we want a lot of the same things and sometimes that is really difficult to find, so it might take some time. Perhaps, you should, if you find someone attractive approach them. There's a 50/50 chance that they are bisexual at least or even gay and hey, it never hurts to venture out and try something new. I work in a place where I'm constantly meeting new people, men and women and I've since plenty of attractive people. However, it is slightly nerve wracking to be bold and hit on someone. The thing that's helped me the most is just giving someone a compliment which is a huge ice breaker and then I go from there. It really does work, so give it a try.
Reflect, the idea that I should be more stereotypical came from some women I've met that have pretty well said I'm not lesbian enough because I don't fit those stereotypes. Really, no its not Pride here until September. I was supposed to go to Chicago for theirs, but I got ditched and didn't want to go alone, especially since it's a 3 hour drive. And I don't feel like I've been doing the same thing repeatedly, I came out in April after starting to date women in March. Pink, I wish I had an opportunity to meet more people. Unfortunately, I only ever see the same 3 or 4 people at work every day, and end up home taking care of kids the rest of the time. I just feel stuck. And isolated. And longing for a good woman. Ugh.
If you're stuck in your routine, how about changing it up by going to a different grocery store, trying a different bank branch, or anything where there are multiple choices for the same things you're already doing? New locations mean new people. Ok, I've got a question about this. What the H is up with these people? I mean, come on. Just because someone doesn't look the way you expect them to look, does that disqualify them as being exactly what they are?! I think it would be a joy to find someone wasn't exactly as they appeared. I thought the only defining feature of a lesbian is that she's attracted to women. Everything else is just wrapping. Anyone who says you're not lesbian enough or should change how you present is an idiot. Narrow minded and controlling. You're well shot of them. Do you want to be an oyster or a pearl? I know what I'd rather get.
You can fund me! Lol jk. I know that was a typo... anyway. Alright. Do not feel discouraged! I know it's easier said than done, but don't. Is it hard to fully indulge in your scene where you are? I know the Midwest can be difficult when it comes to that. Have you checked out all of your options for meet ups and other things? If I have some down time tomorrow, I'll try to do a little digging for you. In the mean time, what are you doing to immerse yourself in an LGBTQ atmosphere? Do you have a hobby or specific interest? I'm trying to think of what Illinois is by without looking at a map -- I drove through it not too long ago! You're sorta close to Ohio and Iowa I presume? Or more toward Iowa. Or neither. Not sure how big the LGBT scene is over there. Lots of corn. I know how you feel about the invisibility thing. I'm going to presume you're femme. It's harder that way, but don't feel like you need to change yourself just so you appear more "gay." Whatever that means. I don't look gay. Some men probably think I'm an evil lesbian because I can be a bit...assertive, but otherwise, I'm long curly haired girl who sometimes wears make up and compares herself to Taylor Swift (because I wish). Also, people compare me to her (not because of looks, I'm not sure why...probably low key being called a dumb blonde) how straight is that? No one thinks of Taylor and thinks "gay." Except for lesbians who pray she is. I wouldn't change. I have at times felt like I need to les it up a little, but the most extreme thing I've thought about is buying some flannel, which I did. Just be yourself! There is no need to do something unnatural to make yourself an easy marker for people. Isn't that what you were doing before a little? Get yourself on some dating apps in the mean time to look for friends in your area and ask them if there are things to do around that will connect you with others. If you've already done all of this stuff, ignore me. **just read that you've got kids. Have you looked into a lesbian mom/parent meet up?
Yeah, think Iowa side, I'm right on the border. The only LGBT scene here is what's known as "The Rainbow District". It seriously consists of 2 small bars, one that has a pool table, and the other that does drag shows. Last time I went down there I was the only woman. I found a lesbian book club, but haven't been able to make it to that yet. Not sure if I'd have time to read for it. Grad school sucks up most my reading time. Other than that, I haven't seen any meet up groups anywhere I look. It's weird because just this year our area was said to be one of the most LGBT friendly cities, but there's no real LGBT scene. Where are they all hiding? (Funny enough, I even read an article stating the same thing I was thinking.)
RosePetals76, everything you said is so true... My city is supposed to be one of the most lgbt friendly cities in the states yet there is almost nothing going on. I actually met up with the director of the lgbt resource center at my uni and he basically said the same thing (not much going on here). I know I could be more active in online dating but graduate school is draining and I have a lot of important decisions to make in the next year or two so it is really not time for me to start dating..... I also feel that sometimes my friends (they are all straight) don't get it. I am grateful that they have all been supportive and non-judgemental. But sometimes they would imply that I should just 'find a cute girl and move on'. hmm...
I've got to agree here. Gatekeepers are such annoying people. I joined an online chat room for crossdressers and trans girls about a year ago. I was promptly told that I wasn't a "real crossdresser" and that I "just have a panty fetish." Why? Because I hadn't been crossdressing since I was a kid. Sorry, nobody told me the rules! Or even that there were rules... :rolle: You define yourself, not others. If you say you're a lesbian, that should be enough and it usually is except for those people who have set themselves up as the keepers of the keys. Them, you can safely ignore. As Really said, the only defining feature of a lesbian is that she's attracted to women. To expand on that, only you can make that decision. On the other matters, I do sympathize. I have trouble finding dates as well. I don't have kids (at home at least, four grown kids), so that's a plus, but then again, I'm 54 and not exactly the body of the year here, ya know? Add to that I'm both picky and fairly shy when it comes to dating, and the dating pool seems to be kinda dry. I keep trying, though.. I refuse to give up! Hugs, Morgana
Thanks for the support, everyone. I feel like I should be able to be just plain old me and not have to follow any other stereotypes or anything. I define myself as lesbian, therefore I am one. I have a more stereotypical mom or maybe tomboy style, likely some combination of the two. I would never consider myself femme, likely more chapstick or tomboy, or halfway between? Who even knows, and does it even matter? Probably not.
I think you have to do what makes you feel good/comfortable because that's the only way the best you is going to come across. Over the years, I've hated having to dress up for occasions because it never felt like me and I never ever had a truly enjoyable time at any of these events. Now I wear exactly what I want and always feel much much better about myself. And it's not like it's all that much different from before it's just that I dress for me and not how I think I should for different situations. I swear I'm taller than I was before.
