In college, I was in love with my roommate. I just barely let myself admit it towards the end of college. But, it was true basically from day one. And it was true for years after even though we didn't live near each other any more. When Iwas finally actually coming out to myself, Iwas doing the super concervative Christian thing and trying to be celebate and squelch as many of the gay feelings as I could, and I cut her off pretty abruptly. I wasn't good about it, but it was me trying to do the right thing at the time. If I had been out to myself in college, and if I had followed her around, I think I would still be really disfunctional and emotionally screwed up, because Iwould not have done the work that I have done since. I would be a lot more mentally and emotionally ill. And I'm sure our relationship would have been really dramatic. But, I loved her..... And I miss her.... And I would not have been alone... Maybe she would have been my wife or my girlfriend or continued to be my best friend.... A Boston Marriage, at least. I don't know how things would be. She probably wouldn't be married to her now husband. I would probably be an emotional mess and doing some kind of environmental work. Idon't know..... It's a very strange mix of regrets. She contacts me every once in a while. She did this week. Almost nothing tanks me so fast. Someday, I think I will write her back and tell her truthfully what happened, why I dissappeared and stayed gone so long. (I cut her off in, like, 2010.) I wonder when Iwill do that. I think it will happen when I feel ready. I don't think Ihave to push it. I can feel that at some point, I will be ready. I can also feel I'm not ready right now. Maybe towards the end of the year, but Ihave no idea. When I cut her off, I thought it would take me like six months. That was foolish. Be in love with someone for like 8 years, then just barely come out to myself, and try the Jesus thing, and then of course in six months it would be wrapped up and "fixed"? No. Not how things worked out. Too many feelz. Grinding my teeth tonight. Gonna drink cammomile tea and hug a cat. Cuz, I'm a stereotype.
I feel similar about my grade school thought high school best friend. And I completely irrationally dislike her husband. We don't talk anymore, although she's still a Facebook friend, and I still deeply miss her. I hope you get closure, the open ended what ifs, and maybes from the past are not the funnest thing to deal with. Hugs.
Thanks, friends. I've been trying to talk to irl friends about this, too, with varying degrees of success. Glad I'm trying, though. ---------- Post added 14th Jul 2016 at 10:29 AM ---------- I did a tarot spread last night about this. It was kind of eerie.
My set of cards is not the standard set. When I was confused on the major arcana, though, I asked a friend who uses the regular one to help me interpret. So, First card, my current relationship is Mourning. "The process of recovery after failure or bereavement." Second card, who is my ex. 8. The Stag (should be gay-funny, but it isn't quite). She's a strong person who cares about justice and tries to change things. Inadvertantly, she does not always change things for the better. Third card, how my ex affects me. Fulfilment. "Nourishment from a spiritual source that gives inner security and joy." Yeah, that's pretty much what it was. And I cut her off. Blarg. Fourth card, why they still affect me. Attraction. Nuf said. Fifth card, what I should do to get over her. 1. Shaman (aka Magician). From the Shaman card, it seemed to be about doing my own work and meditating to find who I really am and also try studying or becoming involved in new things. My friend's book straight up said about The Magician, "Go after someone you have had your eye on."
The Wild Wood Tarot. I like it a lot, though I dont really have other points of comparison. It resonates with me.
