I'm gay. And it all makes sense now.

So I suppose there are various labels that do fit me. I can say queer, even bi or pan, homoflexible, etc.

But guys, I'm gay. I mean, if we really want to describe the label that tells the story of where my heart feels fullest, richest, at its full potential, that's what I am. And really, that's why the label feels warm, calming and comforting. No, it doesn't encompass my whole sexuality perfectly. It doesn't tell the whole story of my life experience either. But it tells the story of what makes my heart feel like it's really living. And I think that's the story I really want to tell.

I'm realising, through all of the experiences in my life, why my sexuality has been so hard to pin down, why labels are so elusive. But I'm also realising that I need a label and a life that gives expression to what makes me feel most full. And that's why I can say - I'm gay.


Guys, I love being gay, because it's me. It's who I am. I am only just starting to really live out some parts of who I am as a gay woman, but the instinctively "right"' feeling of it is what tells me - this is me, this is my identity.

My thread yesterday (which I will come back to), the questions in that thread and my own feelings and experiences, are starting to solidify this new fuller understanding of myself.

Some background

Today I was thinking back to my old experiences, and thinking about what I felt with others.

It's really hard to be like "I'm gay!" With a chorus in the background, and glitter and lights and other fabulous gay fanfare (sorry getting carried away with the imagery)

Because my experiences with men have always been good and moderate in strength of feelings.

And then because my history with women is bury feelings, hide, run away, deny, I never let those feelings sort of grow and flourish if that makes sense.

Some new stuff

And recently, I've met a girl, who I'm starting to really like (OTH -don't worry, I'm still thinking about what you said)

When I talk to her I find myself just saying what I feel about her without really censoring or hedging. And those words come out and I look at them and I go - omg that's the dialogue that has always happened in all my straight relationships (the guy initiating, me reciprocating)

But ....now I get it, I get what those words *actually mean*.


It's not like I've lied to men when I said I'm looking forward to seeing you or I want to be with you etc, it's just that the feelings associated with those words were tepid compared to when I say them now to her.

I should note that there was one guy in my past who breaks all of those rules in my straight experiences, I felt lots of fulfilment and intense feelings with him....but isn't it interesting that he was very very pan, also liked me to play with my gender when we were together, liked that I was sort of like a boy, wanted me to feel more comfortable in my feelings for women, encouraged me to experience those things that I needed. In short he let me be kind of gay and he shared his gayness with me

And about my marriage

I suppose that's why it's hard to answer the question "do you love your husband?" It's not like - "nope", but it's like "not exactly".

It's like imagine you had cider all of your life and liked it fine, but you always heard of this thing called beer and you thought I think I might actually like that much more, but then you had beer and you were like - yes, that's what I've always wanted. Not the greatest analogy but I think you guys get what I'm saying.


I just wanted to share this with you guys....so that's me. I'm gay. And that's why it resonates so much with me to say it.

 

Thanks NotMyName and Plaidglove. (*hug*)


ride:

 

Thanks justasking. This concern about my daughter and husband is the last piece I'm struggling with. I realised that I can't form or accept a label based on my marriage status or my indecision with how this all impacts my marriage. I just simply have to accept who I am and then let the pieces fall together. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do, and I a suppose I'm trying to take a break from that decision for a bit.

I don't see my marriage as totally and utterly unsurvivable based on everything but ending it certainly is a huge possibility. I just have to take a breath right now.

---------- Post added 13th Jul 2016 at 04:53 AM ----------

Thanks Rosepetals, this does bring me some peace, some sense of everything is clearer, all the puzzle pieces sort of fit.

 

Thanks Jjannon, I'm feeling good about it right now. Feeling so calm and content at the moment.

---------- Post added 13th Jul 2016 at 04:56 AM ----------

Thanks well she was questioning, and I'm not sure she's settled on a label, but seems to be thinking maybe she's gay. Anyway....going to see her tonight, and I'm *so* psyched! (!)

 

Thanks!!! :icon_bigg

 

Thanks Nickw, I am exploring and taking time to make decisions. But this understanding of my orientation is one of those "it's all so clear now" things. I'm not making any decisions about the marriage just yet. I have to think about what this all means for us. But as for who I am, this fits more than I could have ever really expected.

I understand your skepticism, it might be because some of the nuances in our sexual orientation are different and our partners are different, and you're coming from that perspective. But I feel this is beyond a label, it's an understanding of myself and I think I'm finally getting it.

---------- Post added 13th Jul 2016 at 06:06 AM ----------

Thanks SF ride:

What you're saying really resonates with me. And I've had that instinct as well in terms of what you're saying about how identifying as gay gives you permission to embrace and explore being gay.

Time will tell....

---------- Post added 13th Jul 2016 at 06:10 AM ----------

I'm so happy to get to this point of my journey. I feel like a fuller person already.

 

Thanks Nick